Transformation

Save your Sorry- a true confession

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Save your sorry for some other girl. Save your sorry I don’t wana hear it. Maybe don’t do things that you will have to be sorry about.

After a guy would hurt me, I did not want to hear sorry. Don’t even apologize. You did what you did, there’s no room for you in my heart anymore. I’ve shut the door and locked it. Things will never be the same again. I know you now. You’re not who you said you were. You’re not who I believed you to be. You’re the opposite of all the good things I had liked about you. I must leave. I must stay away. “it’s too dangerous to be the vicinity of where you are.” You are dangerous to me now. I must protect myself. I must build walls higher and stronger. You will not hurt me again. This will not happen again. I will know next time. I will see the signs. I will stay away. I knew I didn’t need anyone anyway. I knew it would end up like this. I knew I’d be the one to hurt. They are all the same.
Proceed to the Bitterness Parade. The I Don’t Need a Man Clan. Omarion’s “Icebox” on repeat. Goes to closet. I’m going out. I’m going out tonight. Puts on short shorts, cutest top. I’m gona be the S***. I’ll show him. Puts on heels. He’ll see what he’s lost. He’ll see he is replaceable. Re-apply makeup. “Boys just come and go like seasons.” Mascara layer 1 &2. “You must not know ’bout me, I can have another you by tomorrow, so don’t you ever for a second get to thinkin.’” Mascara layers 3 &4. “The best way to get over someone old, is to get under someone new.” Apply glossiest lip gloss so it almost drips. “I’m single again, back on the prowl, I thought he was perfect, I don’t know how.” Head to the club. Bar. Party. After Party. Kickback. I need to find someone to make out with. I won’t do anything else.
Approached by a guy. Act like I don’t care. Tease him about something. Be flirty, coy, sarcastic, and maybe a bit mean. He wouldn’t know what to do with me if I was naked sitting on his lap! He’s not on my level. He had an umbrella in his drink! Are you serious? Like, if I wanted him, I’d have him. If I wanted him to come and talk to me, I woulda let him know. Like what makes you think you can just come up and talk to *me*? Yea I saw him lookin since I got here. LAME. Oh look at her. Honey, if I wanted your man, it would already done and happened.
That was me at 20…21….22….23…24? Those years are blurry ones. Dark club lights, tipsy walks to bathrooms, walks of shame, 3am tacos/breakfasts, intoxicated driving, and lots of “plans” gone awry. Regret. Some say they don’t have regrets because it was a lesson they learned, it lead them to where they are today, because it was once something they wanted. I do not feel the same. I have regrets. I have memories, that I wish I could go back in time and erase them from ever happening. I have memories that I hope others do not remember. Guys that I hope they don’t remember kissing me, touching my body, sleeping with me. I hope I have faded away that they wouldn’t recognize me on the street. Remembering such situations, makes me feel gross. I can’t believe I did some things I have done. It feels like so long ago, like someone else’s life. Like a story you heard one time from someone else. Like a movie you have seen once.
I began to show some growth though. Visualize that Keanu Reeves meme: So if no one is on my level, then that means I am alone, because there is no one on my level. I am on the level by myself. DEEP. Go ahead, laugh. Some scholars now say the brain doesn’t reach full development until age 25. So yea, that happened.
At about 25 I entered a serious relationship with someone. I moved cities and we lived together. I thought I was grown then. We played house and I’ll admit, I enjoyed certain aspects of it. Having someone to come home to after work. Having a man brush off snow from my car in the morning. Okay, maybe just two. It all came to end exactly to the day I had moved there the previous year. It ended in me crying. Me moving out. Me having to remain in that city because I was about to start my final class for my degree in two days. I wanted to jump in my car and come back Home. Circumstances wouldn’t permit me to do so. I had to tough it out.
[part of my testimony]
My mantra was “it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want me, GOD wants me.” My feelings were hurt but I coped appropriately. I didn’t turn to alcohol, partying, depression, other guys like I had once envisioned if that day ever came. I worked, and studied night and day, walked a little over 3miles up to 5 days a week. I stayed in contact with supportive friends and family. My friends and family didn’t understand how I was doing so well in light of what had just happened. I didn’t quite understand either but I didn’t doubt it. I knew my proper place was not in that city, with that guy. God was calling me back home, to Omaha, to my family, to my friends, back to Life Church and onto another kind of life.
I have always believed in God, even as a child. I had always prayed to God and talked to Him. My faith in Him did get me through trying times as a young person. However I was not actively and outwardly pursuing God and being obedient to Him until 2012. That May, after participating in a 5k in Omaha with a close friend, we found ourselves at Life Church (at Westside). There the sermon was about letting go of the things God wants for you to let go of and trusting Him. It was compelling due to my current circumstances and at the alter call, a woman asked how she could pray for me. I told her to pray that I be able to make a certain decision when the time came and to not hesitate doing what I have to do. She prayed for me and I returned home (3 hours west of Omaha) later that day. Within 2 weeks my boyfriend and I dramatically confronted the crossroads we were at and it was very clear our relationship was over.

wpid-20141210_200108-1.jpg[From Wild at Heart by John Eldredge; God will shatter your false self, so that you may become who is designed you to be, for you to turn toward Him and nothing else]

As you know now, I have been on a long journey. It hasn’t always made sense and I couldn’t see in the dark. My eyes are open now and I no longer walk around blind. My heart is open and I do not refuse to love anyone. Even if you hurt me. I still care for you and pray for you. I have forgiven the guys that have hurt me and have received heart felt apologies from them through the years. You may be stuck in old patterns, old habits, addictions, unhealthy habits. You may be sick of the same outcomes, the same hurts. The same heartbreak just different faces to attach it to. You may think things aren’t so bad. Really examine your life. Are you accepting things just as they are because you don’t believe you are Worthy of more? Of a life better than one you are living now? I chose to follow God, and so many things changed. If you liked this story, there is a story waiting for you.  Jesus died so you don’t have to be chained to an old-outdated-broken version of yourself.
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Related: Invite More Love: http://youtu.be/LGVDYgUPqEI

http://en.gravatar.com/that1liana

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