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Vulnerability

Recently God allowed me to see that although I have been esteemed for being able to remain objective in many situations in my life it has come as a detriment in matters of the heart. I’ve been called diplomatic by friends and coworkers. I’m most often level headed and keep my cool in intense moments. For the most part, this way of being has proven successful in work and interpersonal relationships. I can be counted on for sound advice and am able to see things from all angles. I’m very good at helping others talk through their own troubles, offering a non-judging and safe atmosphere in my presence. How could this be a detriment to my own life?

I’m unsure if I’m naturally objective or if events in early childhood molded me to remain on the outside, looking in. Growing up, I always felt that way. As if I were looking at everyone through a window. Even the songs, “Looking In” and “Outside” by Mariah Carey were so on point when I heard them as a teenager. As I have grown older, I suppose I honed this feeling into a skill that became very useful to me.

Except for defining moments in my life when remaining objective wasn’t what the moment called for. Showing up as my personal self was what I should have done but didn’t know how. Instead I shut down at a psychological crossroads. Unable to break through the window to the other side. I felt strapped down by own hands unable to show up and let myself be known.

It wasn’t until the past few months that I was able to make this connection. I see now that although remaining objective is a valuable skill, there are times where I will not be able to remain objective. There are moments that involve the personal self, which will have its own bias and narratives. Expressing them will be equal in value.

During the past few years, God and I have talked about vulnerability. I’ve asked “what does it look like to be vulnerable?” I told God that He would have to reveal to me what vulnerability would look like in a particular moment. I often think it must mean crying in front of someone, which I don’t ever want to do. I see though, it may look like disclosing information to someone that I normally wouldn’t share. It could be sharing my opinion when I normally would back down. It could be reaching out and asking a friend to pray for me when I feel overwhelmed. It can look like sharing my dreams and articulating me fears. It can and will look like many different things. I just know that I’m ready now. I know I cannot remain detached and objective at all times. The things I want out of life require me to not be who I am today. I have to step into a new version of me each day. These daily decisions require me to trust a Loving God.

10 This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Jeremiah 29:11 is often quoted by itself but it is not a stand alone verse. This was spoken by Jeremiah and behalf of the Lord regarding those in exile in Babylon. I’m sure it didn’t feel good to be in Babylon and would’ve been hard to see God had plans to prosper them. Being out of your comfort zone doesn’t feel good. It can be hard to see the good plans that God has for you when you feel so uncomfortable. The past few months I have been out of my comfort zone in a number of ways. I’m sure and unsure of what the future holds. Whether I feel comfortable or not, God is sovereign.

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