I’m no stranger to heartbreak. I’m no stranger to disappointment. I’m no stranger to not being chosen by someone.
Just because I’m familiar, though, doesn’t mean I am those things. I will not bond with those things anymore. We are acquaintances but we dont have to be friends.
Yes, they are things that have happened but its not who I am.
Up until this month, my narrative had always been: they [guys] never stay, they always leave, they never choose me, I’m the one left with all the feelings.
On October 1st, I couldn’t fall asleep. I sat up in bed and began talking with God. I wrote in my journal my narrative. That old script. I also wrote down a prayer that I’ve always prayed. My old life revolved around whatever guy I was pining for at the moment and when things weren’t working out I would always pray:
Please God, take him away if he’s not from you.
I would most often be crying out to God, literally crying and in the middle of the physical manifestation of my heart breaking. I would even make the gesture with my hands and arms giving something away, lifting it up toward heaven.
Take this away if its not from you. Take it. Take it away. I dont want it if its not from you.
I cannot count how many times I’ve prayed that. Each time in depth and sincerity. I didn’t see it as God ever answering my prayer when “they always left” until that night.
God spoke to me and said, “You asked me to take them away… I DID.”
I’m still digesting that.
It feels good to be in my flesh and be sad. It satifies, in a sick way, to be the one thats broken hearted. A pain that satifies the flesh. It feels good to be justified that I’m the one that always hurts.
This is what happens to me.
I’m the one with the broken heart when the other person just nonchalantly walks away like I’ve always been no one and nothingness.
They always leave me. They always choose someone else. They never choose me.
We eventually dry our tears and the narratives so entrenched within us lie dormant. Things seem well until we meet someone new. Or are they new? A different face with a different name but the same injury waits for us up ahead.
I’m telling you today the wounds dont have to be the same.
When God told me, “I DID,” it was also him saying, I AM THAT I AM – Exodus 3:14.
I AM and I DID.
That sentence is a whole sermon by iteself.
My God is Supreme.
Revelation 4 says,
That Someone sitting on a throne of what could only be described as *like jewels, rainbows, lightning and thunder with creatures saying Holy, holy, holy day and night is the same person that spoke to me in the dark, “I DID.”