Quick Read, satire

10 #ChristianLife Hacks

The last few years have been my Christ following years and I have learned a few things here and there. Some lessons came easier than others but God has taught me so much and I would like to share some pointers.

This is also my first attempt at *satire*…

1. First of all, you don’t have to change. God loves you, just as you are and wants to leave you like that. He made you and He doesn’t make mistakes. So things like sin, generational curses and inequities – He loves them! God’s grace covers all things especially unrepentant, cold hearts. By all means, go to the club and at a drunken IHOP pit stop is the optimal time to invite your unsaved friends to church in just a few hours! They will definitely take you up on the offer. Another sure fire way to advance the Kingdom is to continue to see every rated R movie there is as well as spend time worshipping worldly musicians and bands. 

2. Don’t devote your time to “duties” like studying the Word, prayer, worship, serving others. Be a Mary not a Martha!

3. There’s nothing better than showing off God’s handiwork by posting provocative selfies. Pouty lips? Cleavage? Abdominal V? How might others ever know there is a God if they never see your lust provoking hot bod? 

4. Live in your feelings. Make large decisions based on your feelings. God wants us to follow our hearts even if we follow them into sin, strife, judgment, uncontrolled anger or bitterness. 

5. Pursue relationships with unsaved people that don’t encourage you spiritually. Its even better if you can develop a deep connectedness (often called a soul tie) to someone that is hostile to the Word of God. How else can we welcome suffering like the those persecuted in Hebrews 11?

6. Overzealously champion politicians and gluttonous corporations that are contrary to the Word of God. We must love our enemies so much that we become them.

7. When refering to God use key phrases like: The Universe, good vibes, mindfulness, patriarchy, outdated traditions and barbaric gender roles. This bridges the gap between Christ followers and everyone else. God wants us to go into all the nations and assimilate.

8. It is also important to divide people racially. After all, Egyptians are slave owners and Romans are elitists. Neither of which ever made it to Heaven. God only loves the oppressed not the oppressors.

9. Date many many many Christians. Always remember to #blessed all of you & Bae’s kissing pics.

10. If I could sum up all of these into one main point it would be, as a Christian you have all of the rights and none of the responsibility to feed yourself. Why eat filet mignon when you can have all of the milk and honey you want?

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