Gender Issues, History, Men, The Cross, Transformation, Women

Modern Christian Woman: Repent of Feminism Today

If you were born in the 20th century then you grew up in feminism. Most people recall the Second Wave of the Women’s Movement or Second Wave Feminism in the 1960s and 1970s. Media made Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan popular. That era was marked by much upheaval including to Civil Rights, the draft for Vietnam. The No Fault Divorce Law, Roe V. Wade. I know I’m missing a lot more. I enjoy history but I’m not a historian.
Hulu has a short series called Mrs. America following the lives of influencers of the 1970s. Centered on the political activity of Phyllis Schlafly, a leader of conservative women and conservative values. While watching the first few episodes I remembered reading a brief article on her in the last year. I realized while I took Women’s Studies classes during college [more than 10 years ago] I never learned about Phyllis Schlafly. Steinem and Friedan’s names were saturated in the material. Women’s Studies was built on *their movement, not the Women’s Movement as a whole. I will continue to watch Mrs. America but I wonder how she will continue to be portrayed. I strongly encourage you to read, “Subverted: How the Sexual Revolution Hijacked Feminism” by Sue Ellen Browder. I’m sure the tv series will leave out key pieces of meetings with the names mentioned above and other influences.

You might be wondering why I claim that we have all grown up in feminism because the media and many nagging women declare we are owed more “rights.” I challenge the idea that we don’t have any rights or that they are under threat of being taken away. This is the argument of the most privilege class of women known to man [I mean people-hood] [no, no I don’t]. When we cross over into demanding the right to bring about destruction and harm to one another then we cross over into madness. To rationalize yourself into illogical oblivion should scare someone. Matthew 15:19 tells us, “For out of the heart [also soul or mind] come evil thoughts–murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”

The other night I was thinking (a practice many could benefit from). I was thinking of where racism and sexism started and why some many people choose to remain divided and hostile towards one another. When you look throughout history, people hurt people. Yes, many men abused their role and authority, they used it to bring harm to women. They disobeyed God and did not love their wives as Christ loved the church –Ephesians 5:25. Many men went in the name of God and religion to usher in their own power without instructions from God to do so. Many wars fought, won and lost. Many people groups maimed by the horrors of war, literal war and wars on ideology. Read Genesis 5:2 and you will learn – He created them male and female and blessed them. And he named them “Mankind” when they were created. We were created equal in the eyes of God as male and female were both called mankind, which means human being. When we disobeyed God sin entered in to the human being and would then be a natural human experience. What is sin? It can be defined as missing the mark. There was a goal there in the Garden of Eden and we dropped the ball, we didn’t score a point. We actually ran the ball and scored for the opposing team. Both the man and the woman were guilty of this. Man and Woman brought about harm to themselves and generations to come.

As time progresses from the Garden, the man and woman became fruitful and so on. In Genesis 5 we get a rundown of genealogy from Adam to Noah. By the time Noah was on the scene in Genesis 6, the Bible tells us that:
The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. 6 The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled. 7 So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.” 8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.

Here we see in the days of Noah, people went back into choosing sin and wickedness causing God to be deeply troubled.

To make a long story short, Noah made an ark at the command of God. God sent flood waters from above and below flooding the plane of the earth. Noah and his family settled in after the flood and just as one could expect his descendants continued into a path of sin against God. God watched as they decided to build a monumental tower to Heaven thinking they would no longer need God. God decided enough was enough and changed their languages from one to many. They were confused and could not collectively finish their project and God scattered them from the city. Before that, the Bible tells us that everyone spoke one language. With one swift move, God created diversity where there had been none.

As the people scattered with their differing languages and settled in different lands, their new language led to new a culture. One can argue language is culture and without it, a culture dies. Although it seems that God was reactive in scattering these people it would have been under his sovereignty.

As you move from Genesis throughout the New Testament and the Old Testament you will find a common theme. God’s people (Israelites-Hebrews-Jews) disobey God, God rescues them from themselves and their enemies, they praise and worship God- then the cycle starts again and again. The New Testament tells the story of Jesus, God’s only son whom he sent to earth to testify to the Truth and sacrifice himself for the world’s sins offering salvation. The theme of disobedience continues to run into the introduction of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Although we are granted salvation Sole Fide “by faith alone,” Jesus’ teachings call us to a much higher standard than just following the law of the Old Testament. We are die to ourselves, lose our life, take up our cross and follow him fully.

Matthew 16:2- For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.

Matthew 16:24- Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.

Romans 8:13 – For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.

Because of Jesus’ teaching and the generosity of God, we lowly human beings have the opportunity to receive the free gift of salvation when we believe the Jesus was Divine and Human; our Lord and Savior; my human nature is wicked and there is no good in me, except Jesus.

Romans 7:18- For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.

Now I ask you, Modern Christian Woman…do you believe this Gospel of Jesus Christ? Do you believe there is no good in you and you must have Jesus to just have taste of what Goodness really is?

In the Old Testament, God assigned prophets and sent them to his people to declare they must repent or face the consequences. These were harsh words for sure. In the New Testament, God sends us all to preach the Gospel and make disciples. The underlining consequences are still there. Hell is at stake.

Acts 1:8- But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

John 14:6- Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.

I ask you Modern Christian Woman to repent of your feminism and the feminism of the generations before you.

As you can see since the beginning of time, humans have been sinning against one another. Men have harmed women. Tribe has pillaged tribe. Kingdoms brutalized kingdoms. Parents have hurt their children. The human experience will never be a stranger to sin, crime, or evil. Not one of us is innocent. With unjust kingdoms and governments comes revolts. Revolutions. Some were righteous and some are indefensible as they are founded upon even more false idols and godless ideologies. That is feminism.

Mark 10:18- Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good–except God alone.

If you are a Christ follower we are to seek God’s will. What feminism did was seek its own will. Because of the disobedience of men that did not love their wives as Christ loved the church, this created pain and resentment in women generation after generation. Instead of crying out to God women began to covet the role of the man. Feminism was birthed from godless women and the envy of men is their DNA. The Bible tells us not to covet in the Old Testament and the New Testament.

Romans 13:9- The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Any woman pursuing righteousness should do her part and intercede and repent of the godless worldview of feminism.

How might history be different had dissatisfied and hurting women sought God’s will?

What if generations of women prayed something along the lines of Psalm 119?

Psalm 119:25-32- My soul cleaves to the dust;
revive me according to Your word.
I recounted my ways, and You answered me;
teach me Your statutes.
Make clear to me the way of Your precepts;
then I will meditate on Your wonders.
My soul melts with sorrow;
strengthen me according to Your word.
Remove me from the path of deceit
and graciously grant me Your law.
I have chosen the way of truth;
I have set Your ordinances before me.
I cling to Your testimonies, O LORD;
let me not be put to shame.
I run in the path of Your commandments,
for You will enlarge my heart.

I’m sure there were godly women that prayed powerful righteous prayers for their generation, but those did not get the media attention that feminism did. Think critically about the messages and worldviews you subscribe to. Feminism floods our culture with ungodliness and we must remain set apart.

What if the women before us actually pressed in to God and cried out,

“God what would you have me do? God, men have abused their position to be a slave to their own desires and the order and role of the family are a stake! You are the God of justice, how can I help? I desire your original design for the man and woman, I do not covet the man nor desire to replace him. Above all things, I desire to respect him and his assignment from you. I desire the pure love of his heart as Jesus loves us all. May I be like Esther- for such a time as this! May I be just a humble servant of the Lord God!”

I implore you to pray this prayer in 2020! Repent of feminism today!

Recommended Video:

The Nazarite Vow- Lou Engle

Recommended Reading:

“Female Chauvinist Pigs” by Ariel Levy

“Subverted: How the Sexual Revolution Hijacked Feminism” by Sue Ellen Browder

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The Cross, Transformation

My First Mission Trip

Last week on Wednesday, I boarded a plane at about 6am for Phoenix with people from my church, most of whom I didn’t know well. I didn’t have many expectations only to work hard and sacrifice my introvert time! We arrived in Phoenix safely and were off to the Phoenix Dream Center in no time! Once we arrived, we were greeted and put to work right away.

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Myself and roommates were given the task to deep clean the Hacienda, a room used for children’s church and women’s morning devotions. A bit later we put together discipleship binders that the men use for their program. I can’t tell you how many times we tried to create a smooth process to put the right forms behind the right tabs just like the example binder. There were seven of us (4 missionaries, 3 female program leaders) and just as it was turning into a lunch break we finally found an efficient process! Now I can put together those binders in my sleep! The rest of the day is a blur as we were kept busy until 9pm, cleaning and painting rooms.

Thursday morning we woke up around 4am for a 5am hike at The Phoenix Mountain Reserve. I was not enthusiastic and chose the “easier” path when offered. Soon I renamed the “easier” path as the “actually moderate for me” path. It was a mental challenge because I did not know the path or where it was leading or when it would be over! I kept my negative thoughts to myself and continued on like everyone else. Maybe it was my short attention span taking over, my untrained body shocked or my stubborn will deciding “so what’s the point?” We came to another crossroads our leaders told us: we could hike up a very steep hill to see a beautiful view or walk back towards the parking lot. I said PARKING LOT immediately, but as most of my peers decided to take the challenge, I succumbed to their lead. Guess what? It was a very beautiful view and yes I did feel accomplished having done the harder thing. After that I did look forward to our Saturday morning hike at another location but the night before it got cancelled and we were scheduled to do a different project.

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A task we were given on Friday afternoon was to clean the 3rd floor railings with rags and a bucket of cleaning solution water. I never imagined I would be cleaning the railings of re-purposed hotel but there I was. The rooms of The Phoenix Dream Center all face an open courtyard where birds are free to fly so there’s no lack of bird droppings on the railings. Cleaning the railings gave plenty of time for people to talk and share their stories with one another. This was my view looking up from the 3rd floor.

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Friday evening, we went to an outreach to a neighborhood park to play with the neighborhood kids. Every Friday program students facilitate this outreach, they bring food and clothing, music and usually share the Gospel. A boy named, Nick, who was about 10 years old asked us if a certain woman was with us but we told him she did not come with us, he opened a pocket size bible and showed us that she signed her name in it. He explained that he had been waiting to see her again. He also asked if she had sent the bags of clothes she promised, which she had. I was amazed at the relationships that were being built there in the park on Friday nights.

Friday night, we gathered as a very large group to pray before we headed out onto the bar district of Tempe, AZ. It is an outreach they do every Friday night. We broke into smaller groups to walk around and pass out bible tracts or pray. I held a sign that read, “Jesus Forgives.” It was something I wouldn’t ever do at home. We walked by a lot of people enjoying themselves at the bars or restaurants, most ignored us. However, some did not ignore us. They mocked us or mocked our signs, someone from a balcony shouted “hail satan” repeatedly as we crossed a street. The Discipleship students that were with us did a great job of initiating conversations or just greeting passersby. They asked if they could pray for them and accepted whatever response they got back. Although this was all new to me, the students do this outreach every Friday night. I wondered if what I was feeling was what the Apostle Paul felt when he spent time preaching and writing letters to the believers in cities like Corinth. He knew the believers would need encouragement as they lived in a place known for lasciviousness. Most of us do live in a Christian bubble. Most of us don’t spend our Friday nights getting drunk at clubs anymore and so we are removed from the people that never left. I realized it is going to be an important part of ministry to put myself in places I would usually stick my nose up at. The night ended at their traditional spot, Jack in the Box. The only complaint I had that day was Jack in the Box was all out of chicken salads! Seriously, all I wanted was a salad.

Saturday was the day we went to the Gila River Reservation. We were part of a similar style outreach for the kids there. Hot dogs were grilled, basketball was played [ not by me LOL], there was bible trivia and candy. I had my first experience with “rez” dogs, dogs I’ve only heard about on the internet.

In the afternoon, we gathered again for another outreach in an apartment complex parking lot. Discipleship students and some of our group members walked through the apartment buildings to gather the kids. We served hot dogs and cookies, sorted through donated produces to make take home boxes for the kids. Some little girls got their face painted. I played Connect 4 with a 8 year old boy until it was time for the bible story and quiz. There was a water fight. There was am irate man that threatened to call the police on us if we didn’t leave, although the group had permission from the property owner to have the outreach every Saturday. The man took a few food items but eventually left and the outreach went on smoothly. One little girl around 4 years old didn’t leave the Leader’s side. She went wherever he went and always wanted to sit with him. I could only imagine she was desperate for a father and this may have been the only positive consistent male figure in her young life.

We gathered back at the Dream Center afterwards. Soon after, someone in our group quickly came up with a plan to ambush another mission team from South Carolina with a water fight. This was done to us by our mission coordinator earlier in the week. The South Carolina team had arrived at the Dream Center early Saturday after some had pulled all-nighters for their flight. After the water fight, we circled up and both teams prayed for one another. Later that night, our mission team met together one last time to debrief. We shared our highlights for the week which most of us talked about how we did things we don’t normally do, we stepped out of our comfort zones, we appreciated all the hard work The Phoenix Dream Center does daily, and how much we enjoyed getting to know other people from our own church.

DCC

The next morning we woke up and prayed together one last night before heading to Dream City Church Phoenix. The church campus was beautiful! We got a quick tour before going into service. I posted the following on my social media accounts: “Sunday morning concluded my first mission trip. As I sat 3 rows centered from the stage in a reserved section I waited to hear special guest @drcarolineleaf speak, I began to simply take in the moment. I thought WoW, I get to be here in Arizona – serve at the Phoenix Dream Center- attend service at the main @dreamcitychurch – hear the author of Switch on Your Brain speak! During worship I began to repeat these experiences and as I said in my mind, “Im front & center here…” – God said “yes, you are front & center to me, you’re my Shining Star and I like it when you are outgoing.” I thought in my mind “I always feel on the back burner”….God instantly said “You Are Not on The Back Burner.” I began to cry, almost weep. I cried for a whole song. Even throughout the next 20min if I replayed the conversation in my head I began to tear up. I hadn’t ever articulated that I felt on the back burner before that very moment. It was a real conversation from Heaven down to my ears! God speaks to me when I least expect it and tells me things I didnt know I needed to know! He’s so so kind to me♫”

I know I’m leaving a lot details out because there are so many things I could write about. I appreciated that I had a team that didn’t complain and just went to work when given any task.

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The Phoenix Dream Center: https://www.phxdreamcenter.org/

Dream City Church Phoenix: https://dreamcitychurch.us/

Dream City Church Omaha: https://dreamcitychurch.us/campuses/omaha-nebraska/

Church on the Street: https://www.cotsphoenix.org/

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hookup culture, Men, Transformation, Women

Single Flamingle

 

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What’s a Christian girl to do these days? I’m sure I’m not the only one that follows different Christian social media accounts that offer relationship advice related to marriage, dating and singleness. I really do appreciate sites likes these but sometimes, I pass by an article that seems to be offering the same information just recycled by another eye catching headline.

Much of the advice for single people (women) is written by a 28 year old woman who’s explaining how she waited so long to finally getting married. Then she goes into to tell us single women on how to spend our single years serving God (because we have so much more free time compared to someone that is married). This involves improving your financial situation, eating well, spending time with your family and friends, serving in ministry and combating lust and exercising purity. Practical advice is staying away from Rom-Coms or movies that get you hot and bothered or hosting dinner parties with your friends!

No need to read further because I just compiled all the Christian single girl advice on the entire internet!

Please feel free to click out of this if you literally haven’t heard that advice and it is news to you. It is good advice. It really is! BUT… it falls flat on an almost 34 year old woman who has literally been working on those talking points. I did the Dave Ramsey class. I’m not a big spender but I do pay bills late. I knows this already. I try to make healthy food choices but I don’t always succeed. I bought a stationary bike that I have yet to use. Last year I bought workout clothes which also haven’t been used. I spend time with friends and family. I serve at my church and work in a ministry in my community. I don’t like Rom-Coms and I try to be careful with what shows or movies I watch. I’ve been celibate for almost 6 years now. Not a kiss, not a cuddle, not a THING! I have to invite Jesus into moments between myself and a nice set of biceps and traps.

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Aside from throwing dinner parties for your friends and trying to curb your lust, you’re also supposed to be letting yourself be found.

He who finds a wife finds what is good
    and receives favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

I’m guilty of using this scripture as my soapbox. The scripture says he who finds a wife, which means I’m already someone’s wife and I need to act as such. This scripture also highlights the manner in which the man meets his wife, he finds her not the other way around. I’m sure through millennia, young women [and old] have been told to not pursue men. Generations have taken this advice and either been successful or not. Generations of women have also been manipulative and conniving in how they got their man. Most of us ladies know both types of women. Perhaps we’ve been both types usually unsuccessfully. If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re a woman that is following Christ and wanting to do things His way. Your way didn’t work. If you’re like me, you were once convicted of behavior that was not honoring to God and so you stopped doing those things.

When I began my obedience journey with Jesus, I bought a book that caught my eye- Girls Gone Wise by Mary Kassian. This book opened my eyes to a lot of unHoly behavior that I was doing. Putting a lot of work and wiliness in getting a guy to look at me. Putting on lip gloss slowly and seductively while I know he’s looking, positioning my body as I stand to draw attention to specific attributes and more. I strongly encourage any woman to read it. So after reading the book, I changed a lot of my ways. I stopped doing a lot things. I did this because I wanted to honor God and do His will, not lead men further from it.

I said goodbye to flirting, sex and situationships.

But what exactly did I say yes to? Courting? Dating? Letting God write my love story?

I guess so. But what is courting and how is it different than dating? How do I let God write my love story when it feels like He doesn’t even if have a pen and notebook to start?

When the response to, “I just feel invisible” is “God sees you.” It’s a fantastic revelation but I want to stare back into human eyes to feel connected.

Jesus “should be enough” but all I want is to hold a human man’s hand.

This is where Christian dating advice makes me roll my eyes. I can cook dinner, pay bills, read my Bible, go on a walk, get a massage, volunteer in the community and still feel the supernatural pull of Something More.

Some advice tells us to be content in the singleness season. Other advice uses Ruth and Boaz as some blueprint for how to get a man. Let him now you’re interested just like Ruth did. This is the least practical advice because I have no idea what the modern day equivalent of the threshing floor is. Most of us agree dating someone at the workplace is not a good idea. Other than that, do I sneak into a man’s bedroom while he sleeps after he’s had a few drinks and a big meal, lay at the bottom of this bed? I better have a good lawyer if I choose option B.

The point of Ruth and Boaz isn’t some cute Hallmark movie. It was to tell us about the good nature of Who was to come, Jesus. Aside from that, marriage throughout history was not of a Romantic value. Marriage was to bring security for families, property, and wealth. People grew to love one another out of service. Of course, people did have moving love stories. If you were lucky, you got to marry someone that you were excited to marry.

Fast forward to 2019: My parents aren’t arranging any suitors for me. I get to be excited about the person I get to marry. But what about this in between time?

Do I wait to be found? Do I put myself out there?

What does putting yourself out there look like? How do I maintain a Holiness about it?

Where can I go to increase my chances of being found? Where do men go?

Dating Sites vs. Meeting organically?

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I skip over more and more of these Christian and secular dating articles. No one has the perfect answer or the perfect solutions. I can do everything on their checklists and still go another year solo. I can be doing all the right things and still show up to another family holiday function with nothing in my arms aside from a hearty green bean casserole. To be honest, I’m pretty frumpy these days. Spring is coming, maybe the nicer weather will put me in a nicer mood. Probably not. I could wear more makeup more often. I could ease up a bit on the dry shampoo and actually wash and style my hair sometime. I could look people in the eye in the grocery store on occasion. I could smile more. I could do a lot things but if there’s no guy to be on the receiving end then whats the point?

God is going to have to be God.

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Journaling, sex, Transformation

A Lonely Girl’s Cry

I’ve been pursuing deeper things with the Lord lately and examining the issue of soul ties. Soul ties are the bonds we make with others. They can be healthy or toxic, Kingdom building or Kingdom breaking, holy or unholy.

Recently I looked through a workbook from a transformative conference my church calls, All Access. In the conference we cover the deeper topics of Identity, Generational Inequity, Father & Mother Wounds, Inner Vows, Soul Ties and more. I’ve participated a few times in the past couple of years. Each time new issues in my heart and mind are brought to light. Soul ties are always on the forefront of my quest. I have on multiple occassions prayed prayers breaking soul ties to people of my past, specifically sexual in nature. Honestly, each time I do I haven’t felt much happening after that. I’ve prayed but the pull in my soul still persists.

During one of the sessions at All Access, a deep intricate thought came to me but I didnt jot it down in my notes. I assumed it was such an epiphany that I’d remember later…but…I didn’t remember! Grrr! About a week later I reviewed my notes and tried desperately to remember that great thought. I searched the internet for more information on soul ties and watched a teaching video from Jennifer LeClaire. The link to the video is at the bottom of this post.

Everything I read included the steps to breaking soul ties. One of the steps was always to get rid of mementos or gifts, anything that could link you back to the soul tie. I kept thinking I don’t have any objects at all, nothing. I have gotten rid of things like that. But the Holy Spirit reminded me I had journals in boxes in my closet. He told me to get rid of them. Its true, I had journals and journals of documentation of the past, exploits with men and all kinds of unrighteous and spiritually dead themes.

Amongst these journals I had been holding onto a photograph of myself and my “first love” from 2002. He was my first sexual partner and yes first love. He died in 2011 of alcohol poisoning. Sad & Alone. We hadn’t been a couple since 2004. There were some brief sexual encounters years later. I hesitated putting the picture in the throw away box. It was the last item that would link us together.

There were many more stories I threw away in between all those pages.

Included was a play by play of the unrequited love that defined my life. Someone I wanted to be with since I first slept with him. Talk about a Stage 5 clinger! He NEVER wanted me more than to sleep with and I wanted it all from him. To this day I’ve still wanted him. This person has always been the object of my soul tie prayers. I’ve *always* been conflicted about it.

At All Access, our Pastor’s wife (oversees all counseling needs at our church) said something about being Bonded to Loneliness. Those pages were filled with a lonely girl’s cry, confusion, rejection, insecurity etc. Thats been the theme of my heart for decades, and I’m only 32! On that day, March 12th, I threw away all the old scripts and memories. I know I have to cling to the New Life Jesus gave me.

Did magic happen on that day? No. God is not a magician. I’m unaware of what all took place in the spirit realm when I followed through with the Holy Spirit’s directive to throw away those journals. I’m unaware of all the unholy doors that were slammed and bolted shut that day. Im unaware of what Heaven is is now able to do on my behalf because of my obedience. I dont know everything but I know it was a move I had to make to get closer to Jesus and the Father.

Related Videos:

Related Reading:

https://www.charismamag.com/spirit/spiritual-warfare/25853-7-signs-of-an-unhealthy-soul-tie

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Quick Read, Transformation

Still Me

           (circa ’08?’09? I  was Snookie before Snookie was Snookie…)

You’re right, I’m not who I used to be. I believe in different things now. The things we used to believe together. I no longer do the things I used to do. The things that made you feel comfortable. The things we did together.

I don’t drink.

I don’t go to bars or clubs.

I don’t sleep with guys.

I don’t flirt or seduce.

I don’t use foul language.

I rarely listen to secular music.

I’m not a feminist anymore.

I believe in traditional marriage.

I don’t try to be seen.

I don’t try to intimidate.

I don’t put my ego first.

I’m a patriot but I pledge allegiance to Jesus.

I don’t believe the color of my skin entitles me or makes me a victim.

I’m Pro-Life.

And I was never a democrat anyway.

There’s plenty more I can’t articulate at this moment.
I cashed in all my chips and ended up with zero. These things bankrupted my spirit. As I moved closer to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit I could no longer hold on to those things. They no longer served any purpose because they are not based on anything long withstanding. 

I admit, perhaps I never made it clear in years past of what I did stand for. Though in my defense, I never claimed to be For some of those things; my only fault-remaining silent in my disagreement. 

I gave up those things willingly and freely. I’ve never felt and thought more clearly. I’m doing great. 

I am still Me. Unapologetic and Resolute.

When you probably roll your eyes at the sight of my name and the things I stand for now, know that I’m fine with whatever reaction you have. The disagreements that permeate in your bones, you’re allowed to have.  But know this –

It was you that shut me out. 

So I continue on, always available for non-spontaneous coffee dates, froyo meet-ups and other such treats.

With Love,

Still Me 

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Journaling, Quick Read, Transformation

Creatures

“God take these chains off of me, take the chains off of my heart off my body off my brain. Take these chains Take these chains off of me. God take these chains. These chains of consequences.

he raped my heart now I’m dealing with the consequences of low self-esteem no confidence. I gave him full reign on my body & mind. It’s all over now, it’s gotta be over. Cuz there’s no other way.”                                                                                               July 7, 2010

 

I wrote that in a journal I found in a box in my closet, literally and figuratively. A box inside my closeted soul. I wrote in the Purge how there was a time in my life where I teetered the line of crazy. That post was centered on a particular individual and the merry-go-round I rode with him.

This post however, I want to focus on myself.

I sat on the floor in my room reading these excruciating types of entries, recalling the events or being shocked at events I never remembered. Texting him in the middle of the night “delete my number and forget about me” and “tell me to stop talking to you.” Most going unanswered, unacknowledged driving me even madder. Never in a million years would I have ever admitted to being that crazy girl. In fact, I had like most people remembered the past as I chose to. Glossing over my own poor behavior and over emphasizing the poor behavior in the other person. After a text was ignored I wrote how I cried “all night” or “until I feel asleep.” This scenario saturated my journal.

I began to cry myself. Six years later, I am 31 years old and so far removed from the person I once was. My heart broke for the young me. Someone so lost. Lost in someone else. Lost in reality. I cried and apologized to God for not knowing Him then. I know YOU now though. You came for me, you never stopped coming for me. I felt shaken to my core.

I never truly saw the cage I was in until the other night reading page of page of utter nonsense. Pages of illogical and immature behavior. I was caged up in insecurity and rejection. An embalmed cycle.

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I told God later, I forgive him [the guy] even though I already have. Just in case there is something still there and I don’t know it. I release him. I forgive myself.

As I continued to process my thoughts and raw emotions, I believe God told me that it was not him [the guy] – it was not flesh and blood but principalities at work.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”    Ephesians 6:12

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only LIGHT drives out darkness. I was in some of the darkest rooms stumbling around, trying to find my way, getting bumped and bruised. The enemy liked me in the dark. Falling down and grasping, hurting myself. My sense of self hanging on the whims of another person [the idea of the other person]. Clouds and storms of dysfunction in between us. Looking back, I now believe there was only a small fraction of our real selves that were present with one another. We came to the surface sporadically only to retreat in fear moments later. What a sad way to live your life.

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The old me died a while ago, specifically on May 31, 2015 when I was baptized. I am a NEW creature and NEW thing in Christ.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”   2 Corinthians 5:17

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”     Isaiah 43:19

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.”      Romans 6:4

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—“     Romans 6:6

“Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”     Romans 6:12-14

new_creature_in_christ_by_marlacalandradesigns-d3hnpdz.jpgRelated Music: 

Once and For All- Lauren Daigle


 

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The Cross, Transformation, video

Sevin of H.O.G.M.O.B.G.O.M.

 

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Sevin

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Transformation

The Time I Went to the Abortion Clinic

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness
-2 Corinthians 11:30image

It was around noon or 1:00pm, a sunny Saturday. My friend had thought she was leading us to a Planned Parenthood, but it turned out to be the “Abortion Clinic.” I know this because there was a giant sign facing me as I stared out of my window that read “Abortion Clinic.” I reluctantly turned left into the parking lot. We walked in the door, and into a second door. There was a glass window and on the other side was a medical receptionist. She asked how she could help us and I don’t remember what I said. She asked for our I.D.s and made copies of them. She returned and handed them to us through the open slot of the glass window. They allowed us through the door into the waiting room. I did not want to be there.

The night before, I had driven out of town to see someone. A guy I had been talking to for a month or so maybe two. I knew this person from high school, college affiliations, and mutual friends. Definitely not a Cat Fish situation besides, that tv show did not exist back then. We had made out at a party at some point before. Prior to driving there I decided that I wasn’t going to sleep with him. Fool around? Sure, but I wont go all the way. Just have fun and I’ll only stay for awhile not the whole night.

Well…

I did sleep with him. I did stay the whole night though we didn’t sleep. That’s not innuendo, we didn’t sleep because we couldn’t find the condom afterwards. Lord, take me now- its already so embarrassing. We searched our immediate area and bodies. Nothing. He began to stress… a lot. Sitting there in the awkward uh-oh early morning hours. Perhaps this was a very edgy funny commercial somewhere in the world. Nope- it was real life. My life. Each heavy minute was another confirmation that I should have left a very long time ago. I should have already been home, but now I’m here, dealing with This. I wasn’t worried about what he was worried about. I new I wasn’t going to be pregnant. I just knew. The guy on the other hand, was already 9 months ahead of himself. He had no idea of what to do or what could be done. I suggested Plan B [I didn’t know much about it] but the words brought him relief. He rambled off a bunch of questions, I said I didn’t know. We drove to an ATM and he gave me some cash. How lovely. I drove home and got on the internet to look up Planned Parenthood. They didn’t open until 11am, it was only 7:30am. My logical brain told me to check for the condom one more time. It was exactly where you would imagine. An even bigger confirmation of my poor decision. If this was ever the sign to stop making stupid decisions. I rested until it was around 11am. I texted a friend earlier and asked if she would go with me, but she was busy now. I drove to Planned Parenthood and as I got closer I could see people in the parking lot. As I got even closer, I saw they were protesters with signs. Yet another sign. I did not stop but drove straight to another friend’s apartment near by. I called her and asked if she was busy. She said “No why?” I said because “I’m parked in front of your apartment.” I went inside and explained everything. She agreed to go with me. We went back to Planned Parenthood but everyone was gone and it seemed their front doors were locked. She said she knew of one in what is technically another city but more of an extension of our city.

That’s where this story started at the top. The Abortion Clinic. I sat in the waiting room trying to not look at the other women there. Were they all getting abortions today? Getting Plan B? Regular check-ups? One woman walked out of the hallway crying and straight out of the door. The self-righteous person I was was being humbled. I cant judge anyone in this clinic because I am here with them. I was called back and received Plan B, two pills now and two pills to take 12 hours from now [If I’m not mistaken, Plan B is one pill now]. They told me that if I started to throw up to call them immediately and come back. AHH, reassuring Thanks.

I went home and stayed home that day. I didn’t want to risk throwing up in public anywhere. I text him that I got the pills. After the incident, our friendship was never the same. I didn’t want it to end, I didn’t want to feel used. But it did end and I did feel used. I felt sad briefly but did not forget to place a large chip on my shoulder and add him to the list of guys I held in disdain.

Fast forward a couple of months later, he attempted to apologize to me at a house party. I was there with a boyfriend. I rolled my eyes and was superiorly annoyed. My boyfriend stepped in to tell him that he knew I was owed an apology and “whatever happened before us is whatever.” I enjoyed that but exited my way out of the immediate area. I turned around to find them taking some shots together and sharing some weird level of camaraderie. UGH AS IF! Guys will be guys.

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Fast forward some years later, he sent me a lengthy apology via Facebook. He was leading a program for young men teaching them how to be a man. He saw the irony. It truly was a legit apology. However, if you read my post Save your Sorry- you’ll see I don’t like apologies. I blew his apology off and didn’t respond for many months. When I did, all I said was “Thanks.” I can be a jerk.

Fast forward some even more years later, we ended up working in the same agency. I know right? Only God does things like that. I was so nervous just walking to the restroom or the lounge. Looking around every corner! A mutual friend relayed his fears as well. He told her, he still thought I hated him. I was shocked and disappointed. Disappointed in myself, at this point I had begun to live obediently to Christ. My heart was absolutely over those past events. I had no hate or negativity in my heart for him. It was more of a lets just laugh at all of this silliness between us type of feeling. One day he did see me in the lounge and we chatted as adults do. It was fine.image

Fast forward some months after that, to a Cinco de Mayo night at nightclub. It was his favorite style of Mexican music, music I only dance at Mexican weddings when a man insists I dance with him. Its imperative I roll my eyes first letting the man know I’m only going to dance to amuse him. Of course, we addressed our history. He said “I was just a boy,” — “I was just a girl.”

That story began 10 years ago. I learned a handful of lessons.

It’s a very good thing to let people know you don’t still hate them.

If someone legitimately apologizes, say more than “Thanks.”

Women sit in abortion clinics all the time, when technically they don’t really want to.

Sometime, sacrificing their comfort to appease some one else.

I’ve always had good friends that never judged me.

I’ve helped new friends by telling them this story.

Its made them understand I’ve definitely made stupid decisions.

We all have stories. Embarrassing, pitiful, shameful. Whatever word you use to describe them. God can come in, change your heart and give you confidence to share them.image


Related Reading:
http://wp.me/p5i4GL-ea
http://wp.me/p5i4GL-13

Related Music:

The Sex Buffet: How Availability Changes the Way Culture Sees Women

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Transformation, Uncategorized

21 Before 21

As the year comes to a close in just a few days,  I thought I’d share 21 things I wish I knew before I was 21. What would I tell my younger self?

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1. Cockiness is not Confidence. Humble yourself.

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2. Don’t spend money you don’t have (credit cards, buying things before paying bills).

3. Guys will use you,

4. If you let them.

5. The bad boy is not who you want to marry and have kids with.

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6. You will need your friends.

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7. Trust God, not the world.

8. You don’t have to try so hard [titles, status, guys].

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9. Don’t give away your power. The worst times in your life are a direct result of giving away your power.

10. Feminism is a lie. An imitation. True female empowerment comes from Heavenly places.

11. Living solo is great.

12. There is a plan. God’s plan. You’ll take many detours, but God will always redirect you.

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13. Stop hiding your feelings

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14. and Stop trying to play it cool.

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15. You can depend on others, it doesn’t mean that you’re incompetent. Ask for help.

16. You’re ENOUGH.

17. You do want to get married, stop lying.

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18. People like you for you. Stop thinking you’re weird.

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19. Don’t let anyone come between your peace and joy.

20. God is not afraid to hurt your feelings.

21. When it doubt call Mom or Dad.

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In case you forgot what 2005&2006 felt and sounded like, here’s are some of my jams from back in the day! Proceed at your own risk LOL!





*Bonus* All you need to know about the old me can be experienced in these two albums!
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I could have saved this girl a lot of trouble… 5/15/06
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I’d love to hear from you! What would you tell your younger self?

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Men, Transformation, Women

Playing House

“Why Living Together Before Marriage is a Bad Idea”
By: Kristen Clark

via Girl Defined at http://www.girldefined.com/

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I’ll admit I went back and forth on this one. I read this post and fervently agreed with every word, I decided to answer the questions. Then I decided not to. I didn’t want to offend anyone. But again today, I have decided to answer the questions. I haven’t cared thus far if anyone out there is offended or not, so why start now? I take it as something I must do. I am after all, speaking from experience. Not from a place of judgment. I just won’t be at peace if I don’t speak on this. So here ya go.

What do you think about couples living together before marriage?
What do I think about couples living together before marriage? I think first this is an issue of whether or not each person believes (stands by) marriage. For a lengthy period in my life I did not believe in marriage. I thought just because you get married doesn’t guarantee you anything. Your partner can still leave you and desert your family. They could still cheat on you, lie to you, abuse you, and hurt you and a million other things. On the other hand, just because you are not married doesn’t mean you cannot build a home and family with someone. You can still love someone and be committed to them. I used to say “If someone comes along and *inspires* me to be married, then I would do that.” Now, it sounds like I was quite full of it! I believe this belief I was holding, influenced my last relationship. He and I lived together for exactly one year. Funny thing is, he is married now. But most definitely not to me. How could he want to marry someone that professed not to believe in marriage? We weren’t on the same page from the beginning. I had only moved to his city to continue building our relationship [my definition of temporary]. He envisioned me assimilating to small town life and living happily ever after, I guess. We were living together just because we had done long-distance for what seemed like forever but really it was about 6 or 7 months. We had grown tired of seeing each other once or so a month, for only a weekend at a time. I thought occasionally, “Would I marry him, if he asked?” I never knew the answer. I thought I knew a way to finding out the answer. I wrestled internally with wanting to move back to my home –city. Our two discussions lead to hurt feelings, confusion and fear. For me it was just awkward. I thought if he is willing to move with me, or move somewhere close by just on the outskirts then maybe, just maybe, he’s the one to marry. He chose not to be that one. My heart was broken. To add salt to the wound, I was the one to move out. I will always remember that Saturday morning waking and packing my things. Him asking if I needed any boxes. *No Thanks* Him asking when he could get the key back. *Um, when I get all my things out* Him leaving me a note in the mailbox with the math done for my share of the bills for those 19 days. *Mind.Blown.*

I realized we ended up like most couples that live together. We were not committed to one another like we thought we were. When we hit a crossroads in our relationship, someone bows out. They throw in the towel and say I didn’t sign up for this. They decide you’re holding me back, I can get much further in life without you. They cut you loose. I think I was both. I was ready to keep moving forward with him, and at the same time, I was ready to cut him loose. I wanted to move back to my home-city, find a decent paying job with my newly completed degree. I knew the time would come that I might have to let it go. I know this is not all couples that live together.

Do you know some Christian couples who think it’s okay?
I don’t think I know Christians couples that think it’s okay. I do know there are Christian couples that are having sex outside of marriage. I know at least one of them feels guilty. It’s usually kept a secret. I know that it’s hard to stop something, like sex, once you start. Once you have established that as the norm in your relationship it seems preposterous to stop. Especially, if you and your partner are not on the same page spiritually and in your walk with God.

What standard will you choose to live by?
After my own experience, I knew soon after that I would never just live with a guy again. The next man I lived with would be my husband. I have to really love you to not call it quits after you snore in my ear all night long. Or put my clean clothes in my dirty clothes basket. Or put my shoes that were next to the couch [the side you don’t even sit on] in the closet that we never use. Or wash the cup I was drinking out of just because it was on the counter. Or think when I say I’m going to bed-goodnight, that’s its an invitation. Or be disgusted at my long hair in the shower or sink, when your shaving cream globs sprinkled with millions of tiny hairs are stuck on the shower curtain. Or eat all my mini rice cakes.

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Related Reading:
http://www.girldefined.com/why-living-together-bad-idea

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