Journaling, sex, Transformation

A Lonely Girl’s Cry

I’ve been pursuing deeper things with the Lord lately and examining the issue of soul ties. Soul ties are the bonds we make with others. They can be healthy or toxic, Kingdom building or Kingdom breaking, holy or unholy.

Recently I looked through a workbook from a transformative conference my church calls, All Access. In the conference we cover the deeper topics of Identity, Generational Inequity, Father & Mother Wounds, Inner Vows, Soul Ties and more. I’ve participated a few times in the past couple of years. Each time new issues in my heart and mind are brought to light. Soul ties are always on the forefront of my quest. I have on multiple occassions prayed prayers breaking soul ties to people of my past, specifically sexual in nature. Honestly, each time I do I haven’t felt much happening after that. I’ve prayed but the pull in my soul still persists.

During one of the sessions at All Access, a deep intricate thought came to me but I didnt jot it down in my notes. I assumed it was such an epiphany that I’d remember later…but…I didn’t remember! Grrr! About a week later I reviewed my notes and tried desperately to remember that great thought. I searched the internet for more information on soul ties and watched a teaching video from Jennifer LeClaire. The link to the video is at the bottom of this post.

Everything I read included the steps to breaking soul ties. One of the steps was always to get rid of mementos or gifts, anything that could link you back to the soul tie. I kept thinking I don’t have any objects at all, nothing. I have gotten rid of things like that. But the Holy Spirit reminded me I had journals in boxes in my closet. He told me to get rid of them. Its true, I had journals and journals of documentation of the past, exploits with men and all kinds of unrighteous and spiritually dead themes.

Amongst these journals I had been holding onto a photograph of myself and my “first love” from 2002. He was my first sexual partner and yes first love. He died in 2011 of alcohol poisoning. Sad & Alone. We hadn’t been a couple since 2004. There were some brief sexual encounters years later. I hesitated putting the picture in the throw away box. It was the last item that would link us together.

There were many more stories I threw away in between all those pages.

Included was a play by play of the unrequited love that defined my life. Someone I wanted to be with since I first slept with him. Talk about a Stage 5 clinger! He NEVER wanted me more than to sleep with and I wanted it all from him. To this day I’ve still wanted him. This person has always been the object of my soul tie prayers. I’ve *always* been conflicted about it.

At All Access, our Pastor’s wife (oversees all counseling needs at our church) said something about being Bonded to Loneliness. Those pages were filled with a lonely girl’s cry, confusion, rejection, insecurity etc. Thats been the theme of my heart for decades, and I’m only 32! On that day, March 12th, I threw away all the old scripts and memories. I know I have to cling to the New Life Jesus gave me.

Did magic happen on that day? No. God is not a magician. I’m unaware of what all took place in the spirit realm when I followed through with the Holy Spirit’s directive to throw away those journals. I’m unaware of all the unholy doors that were slammed and bolted shut that day. Im unaware of what Heaven is is now able to do on my behalf because of my obedience. I dont know everything but I know it was a move I had to make to get closer to Jesus and the Father.

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Quick Read

Reflection: 28 Days of Single


I’ll be honest it was challenging to commit to making a post every day. I tried not to judge each post harshly like “that’s boring” or “will people think its lame?” I am just Me. The point wasn’t to impress anyone but to show that being single isn’t what think it is and it is what you think it is. It’s just you, being you each day. Going to work, spending time with friends and family, enjoying many Snickerdoodle lattes – okay that’s just me!

What do you think will change once you are in a relationship? You and you’re boo thang will spend countless hours staring in each other eyes while suns set continuously, and your bills pay themselves? Often times we catch ourselves idolizing relationships or our crushes. Yes, I’m in 7th grade because I have crushes. But who are they besides regular everyday people, just like us? Often times having our eyes set on someone distracts us from our everyday pains of life. Like, my smoke detector that beeps for no reason every so often. Yes I just put in a new battery last month. And no, there’s no fire anywhere! I have been home for hours now, and you start beeping at 11pm, at 4 minute intervals? Are you serious right now? If I had a boyfriend, he would fix it. So I find myself standing on my tallest chair, on my tippy toes, reaching, stretching, using push pins to pin a winter scarf to the ceiling in hopes to muffle the excruciating sound. I just don’t want to deal with this! If I had a husband he would deal with this so I don’t have to.

I really hope I’m not the only who has thoughts like that. I also think a shared income would be awesome. Using all your own money for things just really sucks. Yes, I said that. You can quote me on it too.

Moving on, through the years I realized just how easy it is to get wrapped up in someone else. It’s fun getting messages, texts, phone calls from someone. Someone that looks at you and thinks you’re awesome. Maybe they don’t see what a mess your bedroom is, or the dysfunction in your family, or how you’re late to work every day. They see all the fun things about you and you like that. Often times, we try to minimize those Other things. Actually, your parent pays your phone bill, or you can’t drive because your license was taken away, or that time you really did try to kill yourself. We all have those Other things we don’t want people to know. Idolizing the perfect relationship keeps you from making peace with who you are.

You have to be at peace with who you are. Otherwise, you enter into a relationship in a fearful state. You’re attaching yourself to someone because you are afraid. Afraid to be alone. After all, when will another person come around? We often feel that being single is a reflection of our worth or lack of. If I am single it means no one wanted me. As a woman, no one has asked me to marry them, so I guess no one has ever wanted to marry me. *insert Bridget Jones singing “All By Myself”*

8257468072_4813c4bf0eI work daily to stop negative thoughts, lying thoughts. Someone will like you “just as you are.” You’re going to have to get real comfortable with yourself before you get cozy with someone else. After spending enough time with someone, they will see all those Other things anyway. Instead of feeling comfortable, you’ll feel insecure. I don’t think I need to tell you what happens when Insecurities take over. Instead of building a foundation of trust, you’ll build a mud pie.

jnI truly want someone I can be myself with. If you feel like there are parts of your life you have to hide or parts that aren’t interesting enough, fun enough- then you’re likely going about relationships in the wrong way.