hookup culture, Men, Transformation, Women

Single Flamingle

 

lets-flamingle

What’s a Christian girl to do these days? I’m sure I’m not the only one that follows different Christian social media accounts that offer relationship advice related to marriage, dating and singleness. I really do appreciate sites likes these but sometimes, I pass by an article that seems to be offering the same information just recycled by another eye catching headline.

Much of the advice for single people (women) is written by a 28 year old woman who’s explaining how she waited so long to finally getting married. Then she goes into to tell us single women on how to spend our single years serving God (because we have so much more free time compared to someone that is married). This involves improving your financial situation, eating well, spending time with your family and friends, serving in ministry and combating lust and exercising purity. Practical advice is staying away from Rom-Coms or movies that get you hot and bothered or hosting dinner parties with your friends!

No need to read further because I just compiled all the Christian single girl advice on the entire internet!

Please feel free to click out of this if you literally haven’t heard that advice and it is news to you. It is good advice. It really is! BUT… it falls flat on an almost 34 year old woman who has literally been working on those talking points. I did the Dave Ramsey class. I’m not a big spender but I do pay bills late. I knows this already. I try to make healthy food choices but I don’t always succeed. I bought a stationary bike that I have yet to use. Last year I bought workout clothes which also haven’t been used. I spend time with friends and family. I serve at my church and work in a ministry in my community. I don’t like Rom-Coms and I try to be careful with what shows or movies I watch. I’ve been celibate for almost 6 years now. Not a kiss, not a cuddle, not a THING! I have to invite Jesus into moments between myself and a nice set of biceps and traps.

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Aside from throwing dinner parties for your friends and trying to curb your lust, you’re also supposed to be letting yourself be found.

He who finds a wife finds what is good
    and receives favor from the Lord. Proverbs 18:22

I’m guilty of using this scripture as my soapbox. The scripture says he who finds a wife, which means I’m already someone’s wife and I need to act as such. This scripture also highlights the manner in which the man meets his wife, he finds her not the other way around. I’m sure through millennia, young women [and old] have been told to not pursue men. Generations have taken this advice and either been successful or not. Generations of women have also been manipulative and conniving in how they got their man. Most of us ladies know both types of women. Perhaps we’ve been both types usually unsuccessfully. If you’re reading this I’m guessing you’re a woman that is following Christ and wanting to do things His way. Your way didn’t work. If you’re like me, you were once convicted of behavior that was not honoring to God and so you stopped doing those things.

When I began my obedience journey with Jesus, I bought a book that caught my eye- Girls Gone Wise by Mary Kassian. This book opened my eyes to a lot of unHoly behavior that I was doing. Putting a lot of work and wiliness in getting a guy to look at me. Putting on lip gloss slowly and seductively while I know he’s looking, positioning my body as I stand to draw attention to specific attributes and more. I strongly encourage any woman to read it. So after reading the book, I changed a lot of my ways. I stopped doing a lot things. I did this because I wanted to honor God and do His will, not lead men further from it.

I said goodbye to flirting, sex and situationships.

But what exactly did I say yes to? Courting? Dating? Letting God write my love story?

I guess so. But what is courting and how is it different than dating? How do I let God write my love story when it feels like He doesn’t even if have a pen and notebook to start?

When the response to, “I just feel invisible” is “God sees you.” It’s a fantastic revelation but I want to stare back into human eyes to feel connected.

Jesus “should be enough” but all I want is to hold a human man’s hand.

This is where Christian dating advice makes me roll my eyes. I can cook dinner, pay bills, read my Bible, go on a walk, get a massage, volunteer in the community and still feel the supernatural pull of Something More.

Some advice tells us to be content in the singleness season. Other advice uses Ruth and Boaz as some blueprint for how to get a man. Let him now you’re interested just like Ruth did. This is the least practical advice because I have no idea what the modern day equivalent of the threshing floor is. Most of us agree dating someone at the workplace is not a good idea. Other than that, do I sneak into a man’s bedroom while he sleeps after he’s had a few drinks and a big meal, lay at the bottom of this bed? I better have a good lawyer if I choose option B.

The point of Ruth and Boaz isn’t some cute Hallmark movie. It was to tell us about the good nature of Who was to come, Jesus. Aside from that, marriage throughout history was not of a Romantic value. Marriage was to bring security for families, property, and wealth. People grew to love one another out of service. Of course, people did have moving love stories. If you were lucky, you got to marry someone that you were excited to marry.

Fast forward to 2019: My parents aren’t arranging any suitors for me. I get to be excited about the person I get to marry. But what about this in between time?

Do I wait to be found? Do I put myself out there?

What does putting yourself out there look like? How do I maintain a Holiness about it?

Where can I go to increase my chances of being found? Where do men go?

Dating Sites vs. Meeting organically?

math

I skip over more and more of these Christian and secular dating articles. No one has the perfect answer or the perfect solutions. I can do everything on their checklists and still go another year solo. I can be doing all the right things and still show up to another family holiday function with nothing in my arms aside from a hearty green bean casserole. To be honest, I’m pretty frumpy these days. Spring is coming, maybe the nicer weather will put me in a nicer mood. Probably not. I could wear more makeup more often. I could ease up a bit on the dry shampoo and actually wash and style my hair sometime. I could look people in the eye in the grocery store on occasion. I could smile more. I could do a lot things but if there’s no guy to be on the receiving end then whats the point?

God is going to have to be God.

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Journaling, sex, Transformation

A Lonely Girl’s Cry

I’ve been pursuing deeper things with the Lord lately and examining the issue of soul ties. Soul ties are the bonds we make with others. They can be healthy or toxic, Kingdom building or Kingdom breaking, holy or unholy.

Recently I looked through a workbook from a transformative conference my church calls, All Access. In the conference we cover the deeper topics of Identity, Generational Inequity, Father & Mother Wounds, Inner Vows, Soul Ties and more. I’ve participated a few times in the past couple of years. Each time new issues in my heart and mind are brought to light. Soul ties are always on the forefront of my quest. I have on multiple occassions prayed prayers breaking soul ties to people of my past, specifically sexual in nature. Honestly, each time I do I haven’t felt much happening after that. I’ve prayed but the pull in my soul still persists.

During one of the sessions at All Access, a deep intricate thought came to me but I didnt jot it down in my notes. I assumed it was such an epiphany that I’d remember later…but…I didn’t remember! Grrr! About a week later I reviewed my notes and tried desperately to remember that great thought. I searched the internet for more information on soul ties and watched a teaching video from Jennifer LeClaire. The link to the video is at the bottom of this post.

Everything I read included the steps to breaking soul ties. One of the steps was always to get rid of mementos or gifts, anything that could link you back to the soul tie. I kept thinking I don’t have any objects at all, nothing. I have gotten rid of things like that. But the Holy Spirit reminded me I had journals in boxes in my closet. He told me to get rid of them. Its true, I had journals and journals of documentation of the past, exploits with men and all kinds of unrighteous and spiritually dead themes.

Amongst these journals I had been holding onto a photograph of myself and my “first love” from 2002. He was my first sexual partner and yes first love. He died in 2011 of alcohol poisoning. Sad & Alone. We hadn’t been a couple since 2004. There were some brief sexual encounters years later. I hesitated putting the picture in the throw away box. It was the last item that would link us together.

There were many more stories I threw away in between all those pages.

Included was a play by play of the unrequited love that defined my life. Someone I wanted to be with since I first slept with him. Talk about a Stage 5 clinger! He NEVER wanted me more than to sleep with and I wanted it all from him. To this day I’ve still wanted him. This person has always been the object of my soul tie prayers. I’ve *always* been conflicted about it.

At All Access, our Pastor’s wife (oversees all counseling needs at our church) said something about being Bonded to Loneliness. Those pages were filled with a lonely girl’s cry, confusion, rejection, insecurity etc. Thats been the theme of my heart for decades, and I’m only 32! On that day, March 12th, I threw away all the old scripts and memories. I know I have to cling to the New Life Jesus gave me.

Did magic happen on that day? No. God is not a magician. I’m unaware of what all took place in the spirit realm when I followed through with the Holy Spirit’s directive to throw away those journals. I’m unaware of all the unholy doors that were slammed and bolted shut that day. Im unaware of what Heaven is is now able to do on my behalf because of my obedience. I dont know everything but I know it was a move I had to make to get closer to Jesus and the Father.

Related Videos:

Related Reading:

https://www.charismamag.com/spirit/spiritual-warfare/25853-7-signs-of-an-unhealthy-soul-tie

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Men, Quick Read, Women

3 Ways Sex is The Great Distraction

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I find it amusing just how God can teach you something through the conversations you have, the people you meet, the books you read and everything in between. I often see patterns where others don’t and can quickly correlate streaming information into one theme. Something that God has taught me and clearly highlighted for me recently, is that sex is a distraction. The Great Distraction. It runs interference through all areas of your life. Many don’t realize how focused they are on sex and how many of their decisions reflect its importance. Sex is often an imitator and distorter as well. I read The Wait

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Uncategorized

7 Reasons I’m a Hot Mess


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So I’ve been a hot mess trying to write about being a hot mess. I bought this mug over a month ago which quickly turned into me wanting it to be an inspiration for a blog post. I’ve started multiple times and dropped the pen each time. Many ideas have come but none of them withstanding. I’ve beaten myself up about it, pestered myself to get it done. My task oriented side competing with my artistic side. All the projects I’ve got to do.

Which brings us to my List.

7 Reasons I’m a Hot Mess (that Jesus loves)…

1. I’m halfway through many projects, tasks and ideas. The large mirror that’s been on my living room floor for probably a year? It’s supposed to hang above my couch but I don’t have the proper hardware. Like nails? Screws? Its large and heavy so I don’t want it crashing on me, cracking my head open one Wednesday evening. The two baby blankets I’ve been crocheting for my friend’s baby twins! I should have had those done months ago. The desk and dresser I no longer want. They are collecting dust and taking up space in my bedroom. Every weekend I declare to get rid of them. The DIY office-chest that’s just stuck on my Pinterest board. The few clothing items that need some mending. This list goes on and on.

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2. Monday through Friday my alarm is set for 6am. I snooze until 6:30am which gives me 30 minutes to get ready for work. Breakfast? No time. Coffee? If I’m lucky. Prayer? No time. Devotions? No time. Picking out my clothes? Barely. Preparing a lunch? Nope. Every week I vow to get it together. Just get up the first time and I wont have to rush.

3. I get obsessed with certain meals. Right now its a taco salad from Taco Bell. Don’t judge me. I rarely go to Taco Bell because my 30 year old gut cant always take it. So it was a surprise when I was there to discover such treasure. I think I’ve had 3 in a week. There is also the carne asada burrito on Mondays from a nearby drive-thru taqueria . The frozen margherita pizza in yellow box from the grocery store. I love it with Valentina hot sauce.

4. The gas light adventures. Anyone else wait for the gas light to come on before getting gas? I let my first car run out of gas three times! It doesn’t matter whether I have the money or not I just hate taking time to put gas in my car. I even bought a new (2015) car in the fall and told myself with this car it would be different, but its not.

5. I go MIA. I leave my friends confused especially after consistently hanging out and showing up to events. After awhile I just step back. I’ve always been this way, it comes and goes. I get texts asking where I’ve been and if I’m doing well. I get the “Don’t be a stranger” accompanied with a hug. I feel bad but I’m just me so I also don’t understand why its a big deal.

6. And… there’s always my LianaProblems. These are usually financial or vehicle related, sometimes & definitely intertwined. The time my car was impounded in the middle of the night due to super expired plates, the multiple days it sat in the impound lot because I didn’t have money to get it out nor pay for the new tags. The time my tire shredded on the highway because I never put air in it, days later the flat tire on the way home as a result of driving over a pot hole. The notices I receive in the mail for an old credit card I have yet to pay off. The gym membership that was set to auto-pay but couldnt charge my card when it expired. I never even went one time to that gym, but I owe them payment for a few months. The budget I created on a Dave Ramsey site that I don’t follow and now also avoid logging in.

7. Lets get real here, “Dating.” I have unusual views of dating. I feel like an anomaly when it comes to this topic. Everyone seems okay with meeting strangers and spending time with them, sometimes alone. Really? I think its weird. Going on a date with someone is so odd to me. Especially if its someone you don’t know well at all. How do I know I want to be seen with you in public? How do I know I want to spend my time with you? How do I know that I want to share a meal with you? Spending my time and physical space with people is a big thing for me. I have to like you already, have to know your basic nature, have to be comfortable with you already. I have to have decided on my own (on my own time) that I genuinely like you and your presence. You cant convince me to like you or that I should “give you a chance to get to know” you. For me, the best way to get to know me is by a natural sequence of events. It must be very organic and not orchestrated. I know I’m complicated.

That’s me…and more. My list could be longer, but I want to keep this post as light to medium as I can. It could be darker because my list does get darker. My hot messness gets deeper because I’m not perfect. I’m messed up. I’m a wreck without Jesus. Okay, I’m still a wreck even with Him, but He holds me up.

In the last three years I’ve put down many things. I’ve given up, sacrificed, behaviors and beliefs. I’ve given up sex, flirting and “going out” to bars, clubs and drinking alcohol. I have had small amounts of alcohol few and far in between. I actively and intentionally choose not to drink even when I want to.

Sex and alcohol, by themselves, don’t seem like much. There are ideologies and a frame of mind that comes with them. The acts themselves plus all the thoughts, emotions and the string of other behaviors- are a package deal.

Leaving sex behind also means I’m leaving behind the following: flirting, seducing, lusting, manipulation, power, ego, obsessive behavior, envy, selfishness, pride etc.

Leaving alcohol behind also means I’m leaving behind the following: drunkenness, poor decision making, ego, power, wasted money, impulsiveness, drunk driving, drunk texting etc.

If you think you can be out having sex and drinking without all the baggage you’re wrong. If you take about 5 seconds to examine your behavior you’re going to have to acknowledge these leeches you welcome. You have to admit to the wounds you’re trying to patch up. Wounds like: insecurity, pain, trauma, rejection, inferiority, emptiness, stress, fear etc.

Any band-aids or glue we try to repair our own brokenness is a cheap, weak substitute for the Real Deal named Christ.

When you leave your “bad habits” you’re left with your real issues. Your holes feel like they’re gaping with the cold wind blowing through. When sex and alcohol (and whatever else you’ve been choosing or used to choose) are no longer options is when you’ll really start to grow.   When you aren’t able to run to other things, you end up having to look yourself in the mirror. The broken mirror. You have to answer all the Whys. Why do I do this? Why do I feel like that? When you’re only option is Jesus, you’re setting yourself up for success.

You truly begin to mature. You no longer run to hide behind those vices. Even Adam tried to hide in the Garden, but God saw him and sees us. He sees your heart breaking and ego shattering. If you are ready to mature, you need to take your hot mess to the feet of the Cross. To Jesus’ feet. Lay all your cards on the table. Speak out loud that you cannot do it all yourself. You can’t fix yourself. A broken pot cannot repair its cracks, a tree cannot shine light on itself.

You’re a hot mess and so am I. It’s okay. Jesus loves your hot mess and He wants to make it less hot and less of a mess. Let Him.

Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.                                                                                                                                       Matthew 11:29-30

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Related Music: If We’re Honest- Francesca Battistelli https://youtu.be/ySa3Vu4FUW8

You are God- Sevin https://youtu.be/ehwJpVO4UGY

Blow My High- Sevin https://youtu.be/FIAMYOypb5A

Related Reading: Real Men Don’t Text by Ruthie & Michael Dean (2013)
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