So I’ve been a hot mess trying to write about being a hot mess. I bought this mug over a month ago which quickly turned into me wanting it to be an inspiration for a blog post. I’ve started multiple times and dropped the pen each time. Many ideas have come but none of them withstanding. I’ve beaten myself up about it, pestered myself to get it done. My task oriented side competing with my artistic side. All the projects I’ve got to do.
Which brings us to my List.
7 Reasons I’m a Hot Mess (that Jesus loves)…
1. I’m halfway through many projects, tasks and ideas. The large mirror that’s been on my living room floor for probably a year? It’s supposed to hang above my couch but I don’t have the proper hardware. Like nails? Screws? Its large and heavy so I don’t want it crashing on me, cracking my head open one Wednesday evening. The two baby blankets I’ve been crocheting for my friend’s baby twins! I should have had those done months ago. The desk and dresser I no longer want. They are collecting dust and taking up space in my bedroom. Every weekend I declare to get rid of them. The DIY office-chest that’s just stuck on my Pinterest board. The few clothing items that need some mending. This list goes on and on.
2. Monday through Friday my alarm is set for 6am. I snooze until 6:30am which gives me 30 minutes to get ready for work. Breakfast? No time. Coffee? If I’m lucky. Prayer? No time. Devotions? No time. Picking out my clothes? Barely. Preparing a lunch? Nope. Every week I vow to get it together. Just get up the first time and I wont have to rush.
3. I get obsessed with certain meals. Right now its a taco salad from Taco Bell. Don’t judge me. I rarely go to Taco Bell because my 30 year old gut cant always take it. So it was a surprise when I was there to discover such treasure. I think I’ve had 3 in a week. There is also the carne asada burrito on Mondays from a nearby drive-thru taqueria . The frozen margherita pizza in yellow box from the grocery store. I love it with Valentina hot sauce.
4. The gas light adventures. Anyone else wait for the gas light to come on before getting gas? I let my first car run out of gas three times! It doesn’t matter whether I have the money or not I just hate taking time to put gas in my car. I even bought a new (2015) car in the fall and told myself with this car it would be different, but its not.
5. I go MIA. I leave my friends confused especially after consistently hanging out and showing up to events. After awhile I just step back. I’ve always been this way, it comes and goes. I get texts asking where I’ve been and if I’m doing well. I get the “Don’t be a stranger” accompanied with a hug. I feel bad but I’m just me so I also don’t understand why its a big deal.
6. And… there’s always my LianaProblems. These are usually financial or vehicle related, sometimes & definitely intertwined. The time my car was impounded in the middle of the night due to super expired plates, the multiple days it sat in the impound lot because I didn’t have money to get it out nor pay for the new tags. The time my tire shredded on the highway because I never put air in it, days later the flat tire on the way home as a result of driving over a pot hole. The notices I receive in the mail for an old credit card I have yet to pay off. The gym membership that was set to auto-pay but couldnt charge my card when it expired. I never even went one time to that gym, but I owe them payment for a few months. The budget I created on a Dave Ramsey site that I don’t follow and now also avoid logging in.
7. Lets get real here, “Dating.” I have unusual views of dating. I feel like an anomaly when it comes to this topic. Everyone seems okay with meeting strangers and spending time with them, sometimes alone. Really? I think its weird. Going on a date with someone is so odd to me. Especially if its someone you don’t know well at all. How do I know I want to be seen with you in public? How do I know I want to spend my time with you? How do I know that I want to share a meal with you? Spending my time and physical space with people is a big thing for me. I have to like you already, have to know your basic nature, have to be comfortable with you already. I have to have decided on my own (on my own time) that I genuinely like you and your presence. You cant convince me to like you or that I should “give you a chance to get to know” you. For me, the best way to get to know me is by a natural sequence of events. It must be very organic and not orchestrated. I know I’m complicated.
That’s me…and more. My list could be longer, but I want to keep this post as light to medium as I can. It could be darker because my list does get darker. My hot messness gets deeper because I’m not perfect. I’m messed up. I’m a wreck without Jesus. Okay, I’m still a wreck even with Him, but He holds me up.
In the last three years I’ve put down many things. I’ve given up, sacrificed, behaviors and beliefs. I’ve given up sex, flirting and “going out” to bars, clubs and drinking alcohol. I have had small amounts of alcohol few and far in between. I actively and intentionally choose not to drink even when I want to.
Sex and alcohol, by themselves, don’t seem like much. There are ideologies and a frame of mind that comes with them. The acts themselves plus all the thoughts, emotions and the string of other behaviors- are a package deal.
Leaving sex behind also means I’m leaving behind the following: flirting, seducing, lusting, manipulation, power, ego, obsessive behavior, envy, selfishness, pride etc.
Leaving alcohol behind also means I’m leaving behind the following: drunkenness, poor decision making, ego, power, wasted money, impulsiveness, drunk driving, drunk texting etc.
If you think you can be out having sex and drinking without all the baggage you’re wrong. If you take about 5 seconds to examine your behavior you’re going to have to acknowledge these leeches you welcome. You have to admit to the wounds you’re trying to patch up. Wounds like: insecurity, pain, trauma, rejection, inferiority, emptiness, stress, fear etc.
Any band-aids or glue we try to repair our own brokenness is a cheap, weak substitute for the Real Deal named Christ.
When you leave your “bad habits” you’re left with your real issues. Your holes feel like they’re gaping with the cold wind blowing through. When sex and alcohol (and whatever else you’ve been choosing or used to choose) are no longer options is when you’ll really start to grow. When you aren’t able to run to other things, you end up having to look yourself in the mirror. The broken mirror. You have to answer all the Whys. Why do I do this? Why do I feel like that? When you’re only option is Jesus, you’re setting yourself up for success.
You truly begin to mature. You no longer run to hide behind those vices. Even Adam tried to hide in the Garden, but God saw him and sees us. He sees your heart breaking and ego shattering. If you are ready to mature, you need to take your hot mess to the feet of the Cross. To Jesus’ feet. Lay all your cards on the table. Speak out loud that you cannot do it all yourself. You can’t fix yourself. A broken pot cannot repair its cracks, a tree cannot shine light on itself.
You’re a hot mess and so am I. It’s okay. Jesus loves your hot mess and He wants to make it less hot and less of a mess. Let Him.
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30
Related Music: If We’re Honest- Francesca Battistelli https://youtu.be/ySa3Vu4FUW8
You are God- Sevin https://youtu.be/ehwJpVO4UGY
Blow My High- Sevin https://youtu.be/FIAMYOypb5A
Related Reading: Real Men Don’t Text by Ruthie & Michael Dean (2013)