book review, Men, Women

My Wait

image

The Wait is a honest depiction of celibacy in the modern age. Devon Franklin and Meagan Good give personal accounts of their journey, individually and as a couple. Whether your choice or consideration for celibacy is one of a commitment to God or not, The Wait offers so much  confirmation and assistance to one practicing the lifestyle. Devon and Meagan began their journey of celibacy separately and at different times. Each walking through life seeking God’s will. They did not know at first that they were for each other, but began a friendship that did turn into a marriage. I am approaching close to 3 years of celibacy and waiting in God’s time, knowing He is writing a beautiful love story- better than I could ever imagine.

Right away, the question of Why gets answered for us.

“But why? Why did we consciously delay gratification – not just sexual but emotional and spiritual- that would have come with diving headfirst into a passionate relationship? The answer is simple: we wanted God’s very best for our lives, collectively and individually, and we wanted it in whatever way he intended. This required patience (pg.xvii).”

“Because we waited, we exchanged immediate gratification for what we really wanted and who we really wanted to be. Because we waited, God was able to reveal things that we would have missed if we had been blinded by the white-hot light of lust, desperate to fulfill our own desires. Because we waited, we were eventually ready (pg.xviii).”

The authors clarify that the Wait is (sort of) about sex. Sex is always around us through tv, movies, music, blogs, magazines, talk shows, billboards. Lets to be real- sex is in our own minds and memories. When you decided not to have it [sex], not to entertain it, even fight against thoughts of it, now that is what stirs up curiosity and controversy. Singer, Ciara Harris and now fiance Seattle Seahawks QB, Russell Wilson stirred up media with their commitment to doing it Jesus’ way. Congrats By The Way!!!!

ciararussell

 

God’s will is for you to be holy, so stay away from all sexual sin.  

1 Thessalonians 4:3

Waiting is not passive. I’m not waiting for a prince to rescue me from some high tower of a castle. The authors, tells us while we wait we should be working on ourselves, “…letting love and purpose manifest in your life as result of you working on becoming the best version of yourself (pg.11).”It’s about focusing on becoming our best, the best God intended for us to be. Trusting God that He is working on your behalf at all times. This allows us to fill free from believing that we’ve got to make things happen NOW, “God has His hand on your life during this time, rearranging the scenery in order to set you up for good things to come (pg. 13).”

Waiting is not about ridding yourself of sexual urges. They will always be there because of our human nature. However, “your sexual urges lose their power over you. You gain power over them (pg. 16).” You have to want Plan A over all other things. Plan A is the very best God has in store for you, though based on our decisions we may miss out on Plan A.

the wait

Chapter Two: Getting What You Really Want (Hint: It Isn’t Sex), reminded me of The Purge – my own struggle of discovering what I really wanted. The Wait is about removing yourself from that toxic cycle, running towards the things and people that continue to break you each time.  Are you suffering from post-traumatic relationship disorder?

meagangood

It’s about personal growth. Growing up. Improving yourself. Praying that God not only send you a spouse, but He work on you. Pray that God teach you how to be that spouse. Relationships, situationships all distracts us. Most of us. Most of us don’t do it God’s way (at first). We’ve gotten the person of our affection in our grasp and just stopped focusing on our priorities. In the past, its always been difficult to take care of priorities when there’s some guy I’m pining for.

Waiting reduces drama, conflict, and expense….Then there’s the post-sex conflict, expectations, and crises (pg. 64)… who wouldn’t love to say good-bye to the walks of shame, morning-after scenes, waiting on the call that doesn’t come, and feelings of being used?…. Waiting gives your better knowledge of your partner. When you’re not blinded by lust or the counterfeit intimacy that can come with premarital sex, you can see the person you’re dating for who they are (pg. 65).”

Temptation…something that I really loved was, “Sometimes wisdom means knowing when you’re not strong, ****so that you don’t have to be strong**** (pg.88).” WoW! I had never thought of temptation in this way!

Funny (but pathetic) story I recently recalled to a friend. I remembered years ago, I was on my way to see a guy [the one from The Purge]. It was a summer night around 10pm or 11pm or ??? While driving there, I was telling myself I wasn’t going to hookup with him. I wasn’t going to stay long. I prayed to God, done let me hook up with him- don’t let me have sex with him. The outcome? I was in his bed sooner than I realized. Easily melted into our sin and I never resisted. What a dummy. What a fool. I went knowing I wasn’t strong that’s why I included God at the last minute. Grabbing God at the last second isn’t enough. I was being unwise.

Knowing your triggers is extremely important. Page 99 gives us some good examples: Late nights, emotional trauma, intimate contact, alcohol, sexting/snapchat, travel. There can be more and we all have our own combination of triggers. Just like any behavior that you’re trying to keep in check, over-eating, gambling, shopping, drugs etc. We all have triggers that if not examined can lead us to acting out our weaknesses. This is about being smart, not putting yourself up against temptation- believing that you can outwit your own flesh.

Chapters Five and Six divulge deeper into why women and men don’t wait. In short, women tend to have a fear of being alone, “Scratch the surface of a lot of unmarried young women and you’ll find a layer of fear just below the surface. Fear of being alone. Fear of not having children. Fear of being judged and found wanting. Fear of being less of a woman. Fear of being inadequate, insufficient, not good enough. Fear of not being all you were called to be by the time you think it should happen (pg.110).” I wont go further because I think this is an easy concept.

Why men don’t wait is something entirely different and worthy of deep exploration. Men tend to prescribe to “The List… unspoken inventory of must-haves that plays on a 24-7 loop (pg. 141).” The List is as follows: Wealth, Power, Position, A hot car, Great clothes, A huge crib, Big toys, A beautiful, sexy woman on your arm.

The List is a placebo. 

“The man who recklessly gives himself over to his sex drive denies and distances himself from his divine nature. He courts chaos, drama, legal troubles, illegitimate children- everything this side of the plagues Moses warned Pharaoh about in Exodus. Worst of all, he becomes manipulative and callous, willing to do or say anything to get a woman into bed. He becomes addicted not just to the physical feeling of sex but also to the psychology of how sex makes him feel- and the game he must play to produce this feeling (pg. 147).”

God was telling me, “Don’t play with my daughters’ hearts.”  – Devon Franklin

waitwedding

Are you ready to change? Are you ready to pause and heal your wounds? Are you ready to relinquish your sad imitation of power to the One that made you? It’s not easy. It took me one day a time to stop making the same mistakes. It took me opening up to a trusted group of young women in a small group and them praying audacious prayers over me. It took me getting on my knees crying out to the One that made me, and humbling myself to repent of insecurity. The reasons we do what we do all differ, but sin is at the core. Sin wheres a mask of insecurity and pride, even power and selfishness. Jesus took these sins to the cross. Stop taking them down and putting them again.

For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Matthew 11:30

Related Reading:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/i-gave-sex-three-years-ago-heres-what-happened

Advertisements
Standard
Gender Issues, Men, open letter, Quick Read, Uncategorized, Women

FW: Screw Off, Feminists: An Open Letter to Men from a Real Woman

th

From Louder with Crowder. I couldn’t resist sharing!

“Dear Men,

Everyday there’s news/outrage about the latest female tragedy, the “war on women” the #SJW feminist women, the body-shaming women. Then there’s “rape culture” and “male privilege,” and “micro-agression.” Seems to me, if you’re a man in this world, there’s nothing you can do right. If you tell a woman to smile, you’re a sexist. If you tell a woman she’s pretty, you’re reducing her to just her looks. If you tell a woman she’s smart, you’re a sexist for being surprised that she’s smart and more than just her body. If you vocalize that you think a hot woman is hot… oh geez. Bar and lock the doors, the feminists will stab you with their steely knives.

Well as a woman (yeah, it’s Courtney Kirchoff here, not Steven Crowder), here’s something you need to know: women love men. For being men.

Okay, several feminist keyboards have been reduced to dust. Chicas are hammering their keys like the old cavemen hammered their women before dragging them into the cave. Oh that right there? Joke. I know you feminists don’t think it’s funny. Nothing to you is funny. That’s why it’s funny.

Yes, I know you’re out there, SJW feminists. You’re going to call me a bitch. You’re going to call me a sell-out. You’re going to say I’m an ignorant this, that, and plenty of other four and five letter words because I dared to write “women love men,” despite the glaring proof women do love men. Proof? The perpetuation of the species. You know, men and women getting together, doing the deed, having and not aborting their babies. I can hear you all yelling, “PATRIARCHY” and “RAPE,” out there. Yell and scream and stomp all you want. I don’t care. Background noise.

This letter is for the men who go out and do. Who build, who create, who pursue excellence, who make the world a little better by being unapologetic MEN. I’m not talking to the jerks and the creeps. They get too much attention and they do NOT represent all men. Okay? Okay.

Sorry guys, I had to address those harpies first, because they’re shrill and annoying. Where was I? Right, women love men.

Millions of women, myself included, celebrate you guys for being dudes. We may joke about how you annoy us with your one-thing-at-a-time focus, but we love that too. Life is simpler and better with you in it. We love how you say what you mean. You’re uncomplicated, straightforward, and easy to talk to. And we usually don’t have to issue disclaimers before we do speak with you…so thanks for that.

We appreciate that you want to protect women. Despite what all the feminists say, millions of us know you care for women. We know you would pound a punk into the ground if he tried messing with us. We know you love children and want to protect them. We know you want to call your daughters “princesses,” and you’re not being patriarchal when you do.

We celebrate your ambition. One of my favorite qualities in a man is his drive to be his best. He likes to take risks because he likes to push his limits and test his strength. He likes to be challenged both in his career and in his personal pursuits. Every day he is working to better himself to be a greater man than he was before.

We love your competitive drive. Women might mock you for needing to “out do” the other guys, but *this* woman at least, enjoys it. What’s life without a little competition? Thanks for the sarcastic back and forth, for trying to one-up your buddy at the gym. Rock on. We’ll watch and cheer you on. But you better win…

We love your self-deprecating humor and how you want to make us laugh. This one should be self-evident, but sadly it’s not. Even when we don’t want to be cheered up, you still try. You’re a soldier who loves his woman. Even if your woman gives you “the look” I’d like to think that deep down she’s not plotting to smother you with a pillow when you snore; she’s appreciating your good humor. Okay, maybe she wishes you didn’t snore so much. Hey, she’s human, too.

Oh SJWs, give it a rest. Are all men like the ones I’m describing? No. But a lot of men are, and not everything is about you and your micro-agressions and fat-shaming. Stop taking up all the attention, this shouldn’t be about you.

Ahem.

We love how you pursue us when you like us, and we like you. Three feminist’s brains just exploded right there. Yes, men, we LIKE IT when you call us. We like it when you show us how much you care for us by actively pursuing us, even when you have us (7 more feminist brains have exploded). We like it when you open the door and treat us like queens. We like it when you make the plans, when you have direction.

So guys, when you’re constantly bitch-slapped by the loud, modern feminists for “man-spreading,” or whatever other new term they’re going to pull out of their uptight butts, know that millions of women cherish you for exactly who you are: Men. The world is a better place with men in it. Yes. I WROTE THAT. Millions of us support you. We support your careers. We support your choices. We love you for being masculine, and we celebrate you for it.

Now go chop some wood and make us a fire.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff”

http://louderwithcrowder.com/opinion-dear-men-women-actually-love-you-
0for-being-men/ 11-27-15

Standard
book review, Gender Issues

a Warrior & the Beauty

ax(Popocteptl and  Iztaccihuatl)

“In order to understand how a man receives a wound, you must understand the central truth of a boy’s journey to manhood: Masculinity is bestowed. A boy learns who he is and what he’s got from a man, or the company of men. He cannot learn it any other place. He cannot learn it from other boys, and he cannot learn it from the world of women.”

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

“We think you’ll find that every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That’s what makes a woman come alive.”

lan

After reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (2011) and Wild at Heart by John Eldredge (2001), I decided to write a good old fashioned book review. I am so fond of these two books and have learned so much from them. I didn’t want them to end, but grateful for what was spoken to me through them.

In each book, the authors invite us as men and women to reclaim our hearts. Purposefully masculine and feminine defined in the image of God. I love that John and Stasi affirm an innate longing that men and women have. I long to be romanced and to be a part of a great adventure. I have begun to be open to see how the Lord romances me. I believe He sends me love letters through beautiful displays of light.

IMG_76023485911673110310958_10100601653344303_375735427148239915_n

I have taken with me that my feminine heart is needed. That beauty is inviting and risky. But I can risk being vulnerable because it is in Jesus that I find my worth. That Jesus will thwart our plans so that our ways will not fill the holes in our heart, and so we will turn toward Him. That we have mishandled our wounds and allowed strongholds because of it.

I have taken with me that only masculinity can bestow masculinity. That a young man must go away to find his strength and come to offer it to a woman. That a man must find what his heart is made in order to truly live. Otherwise he will settle for cheap imitations. That God is wanting so badly for us to choose Him, to stay and talk with Him.

The questions we seek to get answered are directly reflective of the nature of our Creator. God is strong and firm, all powerful, fighter, warrior. God is a tender lover, Father, friend with open arms. He is the Lion and the Lamb. The piece that is missing is whats only found in Him. When we seek Him. When we open the door to His knocking. I often envision sitting at His feet like Mary did. She chose to stop, sit and listen. Luke 10:38-42. She simply chose to Stay.

ll
The two main themes discussed in each book are Questions and Wounds. Each man and each woman have a question that is to be answered. Sadly, the first person to give us an answer to our question gives us our wound also.

In Captivating, Stasi tell us that a woman’s question is Am I lovely?
In Wild at Heart, John tell us that a man’s question is Do I have what it takes?

These questions are to be answered by God only, but we always make the mistake of taking these questions to each other. We will never be lovely enough, nor have all of what it takes for each other.

Little girls play dress up. They play with frilly dresses, plastic glittery shoes, toy jewelery. Maybe they twirl around in front everyone at family gatherings. Maybe they put on a show in their living room. Do you see me? Am I beautiful? Do you delight in me? Am I lovely?

Little boys play superheros. They kill dragons, bears, or they are dragons and bears. Little boys turn anything into guns or swords. I was once cut in half with a tube of chap-stick my nephew was holding as a sword. Am I strong? Can I succeed? Do I have what it takes?

It may be easy to understand when comparing these questions to a child’s life, but are you struggling to see it from the perspective of an adult? Adult women want to be seen, to be noticed, to viewed as lovely. What are all the fairy tales, and Pretty Woman stories about? As women, we love a good make-over. In My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the main character Tula is longing be delighted in. To beautiful. You know that feeling when a friend notices your new earrings or a new sweater, or when you wear your hair differently?As women we compliment each other on those small things because we know what it means on a deeper level. Adult men want to know if they have what it takes. Am I going to be successful? Can I come through? Can I pull it off? A man longs for an adventure, a battle. I mentioned the movie Gladiator in my previous blog post. For every Notebook, or Officer and a Gentleman, there is a fast-cars, shoot ’em up, blow ’em up, booms and bangs movie that men love. The movies that my dad watches and describes scene by scene to me are very different than what I would have picked to watch myself. Even sports, are geared towards men. It is all action based, win or lose. Push your body and your mind, work hard, play hard, accomplish the goal, succeed.

When we as women and men are not getting our question answered through our relationship with our Creator, we are left to answer it on our own. Our answer to the question is No. We have internalized this answer from even further back in our past. Our fathers and mothers were the first people we took our question to. There may have been one particular moment when you received your answer or it may have been a series of moments. The answer to our question may have been delivered with abuse or just poor selfish decision making.

“There’s a young boy named Charles who loved to play the piano, but his father and brothers were jocks. One day they came back from the gym to find him at the keyboard, and who knows what else had built up years of scorn and contempt in his father’s soul, but his son received both barrels: “You’re such a faggot.” ……”Charles, the artistic boy, the piano player whose father called him a “faggot”–what do you think happened there? He never played the piano again after that day. Years later, as a man in his late twenties, he does not know what to do with his life. He has no passion, cannot find a career to love. And so he cannot commit to the woman he loves, cannot marry her because he is so uncertain of himself. But of course– his heart was taken out, way back there in his story.” (Wild at Heart)

“As many little girls do, Lori took ballet lessons. She felt so pretty in her pink leotard and tights that she asked her father to please come and watch her dance. He answered her that when she was on a real stage, then he would come and watch her. As you might know, dance classes end with recitals, and so, they day did come for little Lori to dance on a real stage. Pretty in her shimmering costume, she eagerly waited and watched for her father’s arrival. He never came. Later that evening friends of her father had to carry him into the house, as he was too drunk to walk in by himself. Lori’s little-girl heart believed her dad had gone to great lengths in order not to have watch her dance.” (Captivating)

“My mom was a lonely and busy woman. When I was young I had to pretend to be sick in order to get a morsel of her attention. I remember sitting at the kitchen table as a young girl watching her make dinner when she told me for the first time–but not the last—how devastated she was when she learned that she was pregnant with me. I was the last of four children, too close together, and she wept when she found out that I, the daughter of an overwhelmed mother an absent father, was coming. You can imagine the effect that has on a little girl’s heart.” (Captivating)

What is your answer to your Question thus far in life?

Who answered your Question when you were a child?

Have you taken your Question to the opposite sex or a person you had a relationship with?

How have you mishandled your Question?

image

In conclusion, these are great books to be read by men and women. I recommend reading them back to back to get their full depth. If you are feeling unfulfilled with what the World is expecting of you, or even what you think you should be in the Church, these books will give you great insight. If you are recovering from a past identity or false self, these books will take you straight back to your core. There are plenty of real-life, real-talk examples from both Stasi and John there is no way you wont be able to relate. They also tell stories regarding their family and marriage. How their answers have effected their marriage and relationship with one another, good, bad and ugly.

I also recommend these books to those that are not “Believers.” Anyone that needs healing as there is much talk about our Wounds. Anyone that enjoys studying gender roles, identity, relationships, marriage etc. Anyone feeling stuck. Anyone that wants to explore more about the nature of God and Jesus. Anyone that wants to learn how we, men and women, fit together into God’s plan. How we fit together in His heart.

These books aren’t for the Religious, but whoever wants to get closer to God. Or those that are fed up with the mixed messages and mixed emotions that come from trying to function in the World.

bookbool

Below are some songs and movie clips that portray father and mother Wounds, and the answers we believe about ourselves. Remember, life is messy, but there is beauty in the struggle.

Related:

Bitter by Andy Mineo: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4h7XT1JNwk

Reflections by Mariah Carey: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3z7Q_cm1Tc0

The Judge movie (2014):https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XLP8exes_k

Precious movie (2009): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1FnPpU9s1w

Ransomed Heart Ministries: http://www.ransomedheart.com/

http://www.girldefined.com/call-manhood-part-1

Standard
Gender Issues, Men

a Nice Guy…

https://recoveringfeminist.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/850a9-lawlesstomhardy.jpg

“Well aren’t there any guys at your church?”

Asked by many a non-churchy friend. Yes,  I am 29 years old. Yes, my last relationship was two years ago.  Yes,  I “go to church.” And, yes there are guys there too.

There are three points I want to make clear with this post on this topic.

1. My faith is not a recreational activity.

2. Church is not Christian Mingle in real life.

3. I’m not looking for a Nice Guy.

When you ask me the innocent and dreaded question, you are implying all of the above. There are some men and women that I know that take their health extremely serious. They are in the gym everyday at 5am and/or every evening. They set goals for themselves and achieve them. They are constantly working to improve the function, strength and stamina of their bodies. Continuously pushing their limits. They eat clean, and prep their meals in advance for the upcoming week. Whereas I continuously skip meals, coffee is often my breakfast and lunch. I enjoy a frozen pizza and cold high-fructose corn syrup in a can. When I see a lovely donut, they see garbage. They ingest more protein in a day then I can in a week. They are usually well versed in food education and often are sought after for fitness advice from everyone. Some have chosen to not put poison into their body like drugs and alcohol. They are passionate and excited about their lifestyle and life system. They make jokes like “Does he even lift?” “Do you even squat?” *Insert laughter now* Calling each other BEASTS. They are Beasts for whatever joy they experience directly associated with their daily choices and progress. For these people, working out and “going to the gym” is not recreation. It is their way of life. They wake up and live and breath that stuff.

And so, please think of me as one of these people. But instead of the gym, I’m in a church multiple days a week. I set goals for myself and have achieved them. I continue to push myself spiritually and in my obedience to God. I prep my choices and attitude in advance by praying and engaging in like-minded conversations with others. Instead of being well versed in food, calories, protein, and vitamins, I’m working to be well versed in Scripture and all materials related to Christian reading. I try to ingest what is holy. When I see sexually explicit images (which are practically everywhere), I see garbage. I have chosen to not put poison into my body like drugs and alcohol. I am passionate and excited about my lifestyle and life system. I make jokes like “God sure has blessed him!” “I need a spiritual leader in my household!” “I’ll be his Proverbs 31 Woman!” *Insert laughter now* Now, I’m not sure I want to label myself a BEAST for Jesus but you can connect the dots. My commitments and priorities now outweigh those of the past. I am not who I used to be. Just as some of those people are no longer overweight or scrawny, but physical powerhouses. I’m striving to a spiritual powerhouse. So please understand if you haven’t heard from me in awhile or if I haven’t participated in extra curricular activities with you, I am in a different arena now. I’m living life in a grander stadium now. I’m not in the game to just find a male companion to have sex with, play house with, or to validate my beauty and value as a woman.

I am a sinner. All of us are. Even the “guys at church.” Knowing where I have been, I completely understand where some of the young men at my church could have been. Some cliche Facebook stalking has revealed the past of some of my male counterparts. They used to party like me. Some pictures reveal the same bars or clubs I used to frequent. We could have been in the same bar at the same time six or seven years ago. I’m sure they have slept with many women. I’m sure they struggle with sexual purity and a pure thought life like I do. I’m sure they contributed to disrespecting women by using them like I have used men. I’m sure they are still figuring out who they are in this newer life. Church is not our new bar scene. Its where we come together to practice being the Man or Woman God has planned for us to be. We begin to desire healthy relationships, boundaries, and Marriages arranged by God. We begin to see a relationship without God is doomed because we are too imperfect to make one last ourselves. Our desires for the Marriages and Families we never had are so strong we honestly put our fleshy desires on the back burner. We struggle with our exes, past flings, and attractive un-Believers popping up anywhere and everywhere, distracting us and even contributing to us falling back into our old ways at times. We are not perfect. Because we get out of bed on Sunday mornings and head to the same place does not mean we are emotionally and spiritually able to manage and tend to the responsibility of loving another person. If you think church is comprised of “just nice guys” you are naive.

The men that attend church can be adulterers, fornicators, liars, cheaters, manipulators, mama’s boys, lazy, selfish, controlling, abusive, ego-maniacs, shy, timid, quiet, fun, respectful, aloof, wealthy, musicians, entrepreneurs, sensitive, loyal, fast food workers, teachers, I could go on and on. They are some of the same men you have met before but you didn’t know they were “Christian” because they didn’t tell you or they didn’t live it. I am 18 pages in to Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. I was destined to read this book because on page 12, he writes about Legends of the Fall (1994). *Side note: This is the year I fell in love with Brad Pitt* The author describes the movie and the three main characters briefly. He describes the more popular character of Tristan played by Brad. Tristan is the wild man, long hair-dont care. He spends long periods of time out of the house, independent of his family. Each time he returns to the ranch it is almost unexpected. He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty, he welcomes adventure and challenge. Hes tough and bold. He allows his wildness to only be tamed towards the end of the movie, this short lived though. In comparison to his older and younger brother, he steals the spotlight. Older brother Alfred, is responsible, sensible. He becomes a business man and later a politician. Younger brother Samuel, is boyish and college educated school boy. He dies in battle during World War II predictably unprepared for the grit involved. John Eldredge points out in his book, “I have yet to meet a man who wants to be Alfred or Samuel. I’ve yet to meet a woman who wants to marry one.” Please don’t take this the wrong way that politicians and school boys are not attractive to women. However, there is something about Tristan the wild one, the one untamed. Untamed by Feminism. Another character I fell in love with is Forrest Bondurant epically played by Tom Hardy from the movie Lawless (2012). Forrest is a bootlegger during Prohibition. He is a living legend during his day. He is myth and intimidates many. The other local bootleggers follow his lead. He goes to battle for his brothers and the beauty of the movie. He is tough and says, “I’m a Bondurant, and we dont back down from nobody.” Maybe I have a thing for outlaws. The inner most feminine parts of me are attracted to these men because they are untamed. They are bold, courageous, they are not “yes men.” They lead, lead at work, lead at home, lead in the community, and some coach little league. They don’t run and hide when things get dangerous. They speak with authority and aren’t afraid to put others in their place when needed. When they walk into the room you can know everything will be alright. These men may have long hair or short hair. He may be tall or not really. He may have arms of tattoos or wear a button up shirt. These men may have biceps on their biceps, or not so much. But these are the qualities I prefer in a man. I’m not looking for a smiling “whatever you want babe” kinda guy. I want to be overwhelmed by his masculine energy. A man that is tender when the time is right and ready to fight for me, God, family, the community when the time calls. Besides the only time you really seek out a Nice Guy is when the bane of your existence crushes your soul. You limp away from the horror and say “I need to find a nice guy” aka the safe guy. A guy that will remain in the friend zone with you while you recover and go out to find yourself another man to rip out your heart again. I don’t want a male BFF to paint my nails with. I want a man that will go to battle for me and take me on a great adventure.

*Dont drag this out and take away that women [or me] are attracted to criminals, bootleggers, or crazies! There are qualities that those characters embody that make them sought after.

More: Another non-Nice guy character I love is Frank Chambers played by Josh Brolin from the movie Labor Day. He is an escaped convict that commandeers a woman and her son over a Labor Day weekend. Over the weekend, he provides a tenderness, wildness, and brings an unmatched soulful masculinity to this desolate woman. I am captivated by their relationship and now long to make a peach pie with a man. Don’t judge me. Frank begins to complete chores around the house, he cooks, and fixes the broken things. He cares for the woman by making a difficult life easier for her. He teaches her son how to properly throw and catch a baseball. Though his future is uncertain, he provides a soft and safe place for her feminine heart to rest. For that is he brave. He begins a love and life with the risk of losing it just as quick as it started. He loves and delights in all the things her ex-husband threw to the curb. This character is a great balance of masculinity. Tender, protective, brave, wild, dangerous.
image

Related reading:

http://www.faithit.com/10-things-christianity-is-not/

http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/04/07/jesus-didnt-care-about-being-nice-or-tolerant-and-neither-should-you/
http://theprayingwoman.com/2014/11/06/christian-dating-7-signs-theyre-not-willing-to-commit/
http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/im-looking-just-husband/#disqus_threadhttp://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/it-meets-my-needs-and-other-bad-reasons-choosing-church

http://www.girldefined.com/call-manhood-part-1

 

b

http://en.gravatar.com/that1liana

Standard
Journaling

Notes to my Husband

This week I finished reading Captivating by John&Stasi Eldredge. They emphasize that this world needs my feminine heart. The people in my life need me to be who only I can be. “No one can be to the people in your life who you can be to them. No one can offer what you can offer.”

image

I can risk being vulnerable because I am secure in God’s embrace. Through these last, uh….10ish+ years I have struggled with vulnerability. Holding back tears and swallowing that lump in your throat. Waiting until you get home to cry about a conversation that took place  hours prior. Standing there with the opportunity to honor your soul by speaking words but instead you bare the tension and fix your eyes on an invisible dot on the wall. Typing out a text message either lengthy or just “hey” then deleting it, because you can’t just keep putting your heart out there. Having all the right words while alone but feeling your strength fleeting in the presence of others. Deciding a pokerface is much better than mascara-tear face. Hot tears on my pillow are safer than tears stared at from across the room. Fearing that you’re feelings will repel others. This has been me time and time again. But as I grow in my Protector, I have felt more confident to be my uniquely feminine self. It’s not easy to open up and talk about the things that make my voice shake. I prefer to be well versed, eloquent, composed, unjarred. Life is messy, but there’s beauty in the struggle.
This is me sharing my feminine heart with you all today. Almost a year ago I started a list for my future husband. I reflected on past failed relationships and asked myself What Should the Next Guy Know? I thought at some point in my next  (and final ) relationship I’d share this list with my fiance/husband. Maybe a surprise on our wedding day?

12/16/13  1:23am
for my husband…
somethings you should know about me…

I love pasta, spaghetti, alfredo, lasagna, garlic bread, I love it all!

I’m quiet, a lot. you’ll have to be okay with that. just sitting next to me in silence and know that I’m perfectly content.

but…the once in a blue moon that I’m stressed, worried, scared, nervous, hurt – I hope God gives you the ability to know the difference because…

so many times i just can’t say what i want. fear holds me back from saying certain things. please be patient.

I will almost always forget to wash dirty pots and pans.

I’m far more sensitive and emotional than i let on. i may just cry in secret places at secret times. please be patient and kind.

I dont like many sports but would gladly go to any sporting events with you,  just because it’s you.

i may stare at you often. its because I’m in awe of you and your male-ness.

i love hot tea. hot coffee with flavored creamer.

I eat cereal all times of the day.

i love rainbows, glitter, sparkles.

I love to laugh, so i hope you’re funny.

hug me everyday please.

there is never enough “i love you”s

I’m writing  this on a day that all i can do is trust God that He is bringing us together, because know. ..

I’ve had boyfriends, crushes, flings, and unrequited love

and I’m putting in my faith that you’re mine to keep.

I like to sleep in.

unless we have plans, I probably won’t get dressed and put makeup on.

I’m not always on time.

I can’t wait to make a house into a home for US.

12/18/183. 2:35am
I don’t like to be rushed.

I can definitely be indecisive.

I don’t like yelling, slamming doors, cussing, acting out in anger towards me makes me not feel safe.

I dont like being called boring.

I’m shy. I don’t like meeting new people. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like superficial conversations.

so it may seem like I’m not trying to be social but I really am trying.

my perfect day with you would involve us laying in bed all day (even calling in to work) and just talk,laugh,and just be together.

I hope we have a million inside jokes.

6/11/14. 2am
I always have a pile of clothes on the bedroom floor.

I have to fall asleep with the fan on.

I eat strawberries in the middle of the night.

I hate car problems. I pray to God that you’re a car enthusiast…

and I drive on empty for days.

my mascara routine is entirely too long, be patient.

I don’t like crying in front of people, even myself.

if I’m in a sad mood and I choose to listen to music,it’ll be sad music. if I choose a movie, it’ll be a funny movie.

I procrastinate haircuts.

I’m perfectly happy sitting outside on a porch reading a book.

cloudy days make me feel like doing nothing.

I prefer any  chore except laundry.

I love macaroni and cheese.

8/6/14  1:50am
I don’t like being rushed to make a decision.

I prefer to have a partner when doing small things like running errands.

“I want the parts that you’ve tried to throw away -the parts that you were convinced no one could ever love”

every so often I fall in love with a song or movie and play it in repeat for days or even weeks a time.

everyday is an occasion for froyo

also donuts.

oneday I want to get in my car and drive to anywhere for the weekend.

8/26/14  2:05am
sometimes fear immobilizes me.

I love summer

but I like fall much better.

I love X-Files and hope one day you will too.

“if you’re a bird, I’m a bird” learn it. love it.

every once in awhile help me experience something new, at my own pace.

I like making lists 🙂

I go to bed really late.

I keep quiet about important decisions until I’m sure of my choice.

please give me a puppy.

image

To be continued. ..

12/05/14    4:31pm

im usually too hard myself
image

Related Music: Lord I’m Ready Now by Plumb, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBUQqLp6N24

 

http://en.gravatar.com/that1liana

Standard
History

God Made Girls

The CMAS (Country Music Awards) aired the other night and I was excited. I say today without embarrassment that I have a crush on the South and all that comes with it. I’m a devoted fan of the shows Nashville and Hart of Dixie. Darn you Netflix! And yes, country music. I recently was in Louisville (pronounced LooEL-Ville), Kentucky and was shamefully disappointed to not hear much of that Southern-drawl that I was expecting. I’m intrigued of Southern Belles and Cotillions. The rugged exterior of a hard working down to earth Country Man. From the outside, I see some values that could bring me joy. The South may get scoffed at for being down-home-back-woods-Confederate flag waving-Bible Belt wearing-losers of the Civil War by some but not me. I see a rich History, Tradition and Values. Something I have been wanting and didn’t even know it.

image

BTW I love music and will reference it throughout my posts. “God Made Girls” is a song on the radio right now and its making a lot of noise. I love it. This song puts a smile on my face and I can’t help but sing along. Had I heard this about 10 years ago, I would have rolled my eyes and given you a blank stare. *blink*blink. I would have corrected you on your use of the word “girl.” What am I 12? Puh-leaze I’m 20! I am a Woman, get it right.

Somebody’s gotta wear a pretty skirt: Excuse me? Why do *I* have to wear a skirt? Because I’m female, I should wear a skirt to get a man’s attention? I’m just here to look good for a man?
Somebody’s gotta wanna hold his hand: Why do I have to hold his hand? Im….wait for it…..INDEPENDENT. I don’t need a man. I don’t need to hold a man’s hand. Anything I want, I can get it myself. I can do it myself.
Somebody’s gotta be the one to cry—Somebody’s gotta let him drive: Oh because I’m female, cry? Because I’m female, I can’t handle my emotions and cry about everything? And ‘gotta let him drive’? So he’s gotta be in control? He just ‘drives’ wherever and I have no say so?

Was this anyone’s inner dialogue while reading these lyrics or listening to the song?
Let’s explore some definitions.

Femininity: the Quality or Nature of the female sex; womanhood; womanliness; pertaining to a woman or girl; Qualities traditionally ascribed to women (sensitivity or gentleness)
Feminism: belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities; the doctrine advocating social, political, and all other rights of women equal to those of men.

These are clearly very different definitions. Which do you prefer? Which sounds better to you? I’m sure you will choose the definition describing feminism and I know why. If you were born within the last 50- 60 years, your socialization since birth has been shaped by feminism. Perhaps, as an infant or toddler, your mother read “The Feminine Mystique” by Betty Friedan. Maybe you grew up hearing about “the pill.” It was illegal even for a married woman to have until 1965 (Griswold v. Connecticut). Seven years later in 1972 in Eisenstad v. Baird, the Supreme Court ruled that it was unconstitutional to prohibit the sale of oral contraceptives to unmarried women. The infamous Roe v. Wade case of 1973 declared it was unconstitutional for states to ban abortion within the first trimester. If you were born in the 80s, 90s, and 2000s then Feminism is the culture. We are groomed to accept Feminism. If we do not support it we are given the same look as your office bigot. Its so politically correct to shout “Equality!” But many of you don’t even know that we are Equal, in the eyes of God. By believing you are not equal, you are subscribing to an agenda which seeks to demean you. Early Feminism meant, I have the Right to NOT be objectified. Now: I have the right to objectify myself because its my CHOICE. Do you see it may be the same words but put them in a different order and it changes our world.

image

The First Wave of the Women’s Movement got us the right to vote in 1919. Our ForeMothers, knew they had a lot to offer the society in which they lived. They wanted a voice. A voice to build up a community, not to tear it down. A voice to be taken seriously within their own marriages. Not tear apart their own marriages. A voice to say I should be able to take up hobbies, interests, employment if I choose or if necessary. I can be trusted with responsibilities outside of the home. I respect myself, my family, my community and I asked the same respect from my country.

I look around and listen these days. The women that lived and died never seeing any results, would they be proud of us? Would they look at us in delight with what we have accomplished? We turn our backs on Femininity on our Womanhood. We have become aggressive and critical in our speech. We have become more violent as a demographic. We reject the level on relationship that God gifted us with. We long for a permanent connection yet reject marriage and use men for sex. We, in our own immaturity, have taken on all the traits of men that we deem abusive and undesirable. We model our behavior after men (whom are not perfect). Whom we reject, whom we say we don’t need, whom we call good-for-nothin, lame af and so many other awful labels. We get angry when they don’t stick around. When they “love us” and leave us within the late night hour. When we lay down with them and have their babies, and they still leave. We hate them, yet push and pull, cry and scream, plot and plan for them. This is a result of Feminism. Feminism grooms you from birth like a pedophile grooms a child. It makes you think it is something you want, something that will give you something you don’t already have. God’s Word has taught me the Truth.

Here is who God says I am:
She is worth far more than rubies.
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:10-31

What about these qualities should I reject? I am worth more than any jewels on earth! I bring the men in my life and my community GOOD. My arms are STRONG for my tasks. I open my arms to the poor and needy. My clothing doesn’t have to be name brand because my clothing is STRENGTH and DIGNITY. I speak wisdom and life into others. What is wrong with this? God gave me gifts, talents, and traits that are of QUALITY and are my NATURE.

We ask men to get in “touch with their feminine side” to exercise sensitivity and gentleness towards us. Yet, we reject those traits in ourselves. To be sensitive and gentle equates weakness. We puff up our chests, and put on a masculine front. I’ve heard women say they have bigger balls than a man, or “suck my d***” or “my d*** is bigger than yours.” They may say these insults just as a manner of speaking but where does this need to posture and be aggressive towards a man come from? When you say these things, you are denying your strength as a woman, you are saying that you do not possess strength. You do not need to perform male adolescent antics and exhibit a skewed concept of masculinity to be validated.

The Kingdom is ours, when we accept Jesus into our hearts and lives. When we submit to Him and all His ways. You don’t need to fight a fight that’s already been won. We are equal. We are feminine and that is not an undesirable identity. It is not the lowest of the low, but is of the Highest. We fuel the War on Eve when we reject our inner workings. What message are we sending to our girls? That because you are a girl you must act like a boy to have worth but deny their hurts when they bury their femininity at the expense of the Feminist agenda that was meant to make them equal so they could be happy? If that was confusing, it is because it is CONFUSING. I prefer to function on logic and when things do not make sense I cannot stand behind them. I cannot vouch for Feminism anymore.

 a

Related Music: God Made Girls by RaeLynn, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tl1uv6gB4hE

http://en.gravatar.com/that1liana

Standard