hookup culture, sex, Uncategorized

The Faux-Intimate Generation

As I was driving home from a work event I was listening to Clean by Natalie Grant. A memory came to the forefront and I figured I would have to write about it. I was trying to think of title but I didn’t like, “Don’t be a Cheapskate” or “How I knew I had to Stop having Sex.” Another song I like is a country song called Every Little Thing by Carly Pearce.

“Every little thing, I remember every little thing, the high the hurt the shine the sting of every little thing…”

I love it because I’m one those people that remembers. I remember those little things, all the things that never mattered to the other person.

One of the last times I slept with a particular person (about 5 years ago), I remember we didn’t use any protection. Surprise- Surprise. At that time, I was (pathetically) okay with it because I only did that with him. I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else nor did I want to. I was okay with there not being a boundary. I’m not condoning unprotected sex here but explaining my own poor choices.

The next days after, I realized we should have used protection because although I knew where I had been- I did not know where he had been. I could not account for what he was doing with other women or not doing with other women. He was a wild card. I decided to text him.

“Just so you know I only do that with you.”

His response went something like, “Yea me too…I’m clean…trust me.”

He asked if I was on the pill and I said no.

He said if I got the Plan B pill he would “reimburse” me.

reimburse

Reimburse

REIMBURSE

REEEIMMMBUUURSSSE.

I said I wasn’t worried about being pregnant and joked “we’ll see what happens in 9 months.”

He didn’t think it was funny.

I didn’t think REIMBURSE was funny. I didn’t think REIMBURSE was appropriate. I didn’t want his money. I didn’t like the way he so casually used the word REIMBURSE. How many other women had he REIMBURSED? Reimburse is not something you say to someone you slept with. Reimburse is reserved for business transactions. You get reimbursed for office supplies, mileage. You get reimbursed from petty cash when the vending machine won’t give you your Funyuns. I had been given money to purchase Plan B years prior and I vowed that would not be an experience I would repeat. (The Time I Went to the Abortion Clinic)

I was NOT a transaction.

But I was to him.

This exchange of communication was monumental in my quest. Right now, I can thank God for the word choice of that person. Obviously, it has stayed on my mind all these years. It was another reminder of why I could not keep sleeping with him or anyone. Especially as the times have changed and young men have become even more gluttonous for sex as women have become even more feral.
This is the generation of soul-less faux-intimate transactional sex.

I wondered if the new normal was to sleep with a girl unprotected, and then utilize Plan B as a plan a. Just reimburse her later. I remembered when I was younger the mantra was Do Not Get Pregnant. Do Not get a STD.

Had that changed? Had the plan changed so much in less than a decade?

It seems as though as the years pass on Responsibility has become an outdated tenet. How could that be? You would think that as we get older we get wiser.

As our culture has come to worship sex we’ve placed responsibility under personal self-indulgence.

We began to desire the benefits and none of the responsibility. Men and women equal in foolishness.

That *REIMBURSE* conversation led me to see that I had better get out of the game. The game had changed and it wasn’t for me anymore.

I never want to hear the word Reimburse from a man that I have been intimate with. God never intended for men to run amok reimbursing women for Plan Bs or abortions. He intended for men and women to make a covenant with Him at the center to care of one another. To represent Christ to one another. Anything short of that is faux-intimacy. It’s a foundation of quicksand, you lose your footing before you know it. You’ll be left feeling played and cheap. Don’t be a cheapskate. You’re worth more than $50 for Plan B or the $500 for an abortion.

Ladies, a man isn’t taking care of you by throwing money at what he or you may deem a “problem.” The problem happened before the conception. The problem is your lack of purity. You lack a firm and full understanding of who you are.

Men, what happened to you? When did you begin to sell out? Generations before you welcomed responsibility. Welcomed the opportunity to showcase your provision and protection. Being a man meant taking care of someone other than yourself.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her – Ephesians 5:25

Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. – Proverbs 31:31

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Gender Issues, Women

hey Slut: Part 2

m2Ladies, lets get real. Stop over dramatizing everything, its so cliche. I dress modestly and believe me, my shape is not sexless. My curves have curves and there’s no way around it unless I actually wore a bed sheet. I can up my shirt size to XL or wear a 1 in “plus size” and you will most definitely still know that I am WOMAN. Believing that the only way to express yourself is through wearing what you want is again, adolescent in nature. Are you a civilized First World Woman or perpetual rebellious teenager? Are you rebelling against all the daddies of this world while you prance around in your short skirt? Because “when you start acting like an adult, I’ll treat you like one” said every parent ever.

There are women all over the world that could only dream of something as Freedom of Speech, or freedom to peacefully protest. They fear for their lives, literally. In countries like India, where acid is thrown on your face.  Not only to cause physical pain but to mame you for life. No one will want to marry you, your family will reject you, and you just have to try to keep on living. In continents like Africa, where a female infants and female children are victims of female genital mutilation.

Female genital mutilation is classified into four major types.

  • Clitoridectomy: partial or total removal of the clitoris (a small, sensitive and erectile part of the female genitals) and, in very rare cases, only the prepuce (the fold of skin surrounding the clitoris).

  • Excision: partial or total removal of the clitoris and the labia minora, with or without excision of the labia majora (the labia are “the lips” that surround the vagina).

  • Infibulation: narrowing of the vaginal opening through the creation of a covering seal. The seal is formed by cutting and repositioning the inner, or outer, labia, with or without removal of the clitoris.

  • Other: all other harmful procedures to the female genitalia for non-medical purposes, e.g. pricking, piercing, incising, scraping and cauterizing the genital area.

http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/

In other African countries, young female children and teens can be married and become pregnant. Because of their young age and due to lack of prenatal care, major bladder tears/holes can happen during the birthing process. This causes fluid to leak outside of their young bodies uncontrollably. This causes the young girls/women to smell due to constant fluid leaking from their bladder. Because of this, they are deemed useless and disgusting. Their husbands do not want them anymore, their families definitely do not want them anymore. So there are left unable to provide for themselves, or attain resources.

http://www.aidforafrica.org/member-charities/fistula-foundation-the/

In my post the War on Eve, I discuss the enemy’s attack on Eve and her daughters ever since we were in the Garden. With these real women’s issues it is blatant to see. In my modest research, a few issues have surfaced. Some say Feminism is a class problem. I don’t doubt it.

While women struggle daily against systematic and institutionalized, cultural physical torture many of us feel royally offended when a man we don’t even know calls us a slut.

While these women just want to know they are beautiful, many of us call men “thirsty” if they compliment us.

While these women are being demanded of sex, many of us fantasize about a Valentine’s day lover.

While these women watch their daughters suffer the same cruelty, we watch our daughters at dance class in bows and ribbons.

While these women cook scraps in dark kitchens, we make reservations for a Girls Night Out.

While these women have their most sacred parts, which were designed by God, cut and sliced, many say “Its my body I do what I want.”

While these women drink dirty water, many of us have drunken black outs.

While these women just want to be treated with kindness, many of us carry a spirit of arrogance.

trSlut Walks discriminate. Rape does not. Who are victims of rape?  Men, women, girls, boys, babies, elderly adults, married people, single people, those with developmental disabilities. Who are rapists, probably every one of those except babies. What about incest? Sibling molestation? Family friends? Rape is not just man against woman. Women rape also. They are pedophiles also. Rape and molestation can be traced back to the offender’s past. They themselves may have been raped, either through  a grooming process, or violently. Exposing a child to sexual behavior immediately puts them on an entirely different path.  A path of self destruction, self-hate, aggression, depression, attachment issues, drug addiction, violence, and so on. It kills something inside of them. Those that rape have a voice too. The enemy will destroy one heart after another, one soul after another.

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One of my favorite and unpopular scriptures is 1Peter 5:8.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour

There are times when you think there is a great distance between when the Bible was written and now. There were no cell phones, or apps,  Buzzfeed, Peppermint Mocha Lattes etc. But there was alcohol. There have always been people that want to use substances to make them feel different. There has always been behaviors that get in the way of our best selves. This “Be sober, be vigilant” is constantly in my mind. I have been drunk, tipsy, buzzed and whatever else in between. I never liked being drunk. The first party I went to I got drunk after three plastic cups of keg beer, I was only 17. In my drunkenness, I realized three guys staring at me. Watching me. Immediately I knew they were observing me and rating me on my level of vulnerability. I could feel it. I have seen hundreds of men since, in every bar and in every city do it. They are wanting to find the drunkest girl and go off with her to have sex. That is the truth. Are they slime-bags for it? Yes. Do I blame them? No. Our young men are socialized to have sex and to partake in a woman’s body. They are not socialized to mind their boundaries, court a woman, and then marry her. Provide and protect her. We as young women are socialized to have sex and to partake in a man’s body. We are not socialized to mind our boundaries, allow a man to court us, to marry a man. To allow a man to provide and protect us.

And we wonder why everything is so wrong with everything. Or is just me? The world tells us Its not That bad, go ahead, it wont hurt you. Its fun. There comes a day when it all stops being fun. When your tears come with every Adele song, when your heart aches from rejection. This could be your run of the mill one night stand, a breakup, or something worse, a physical and sexual assault-that you may or may not have been aware of due to your physical state of intoxication. My parents never taught me that the world was made up of rainbows and lollipops. They taught me, if someone hits you-hit ’em back. Now, when did we all of a sudden think nothing bad would ever happen to us? Did your parents sit you down one day and tell you that everyone was going to be nice to you? Mine never did. I learned people treat you how you teach them to treat you. I have had to re-teach some.

If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. John 15:18
Lets go back to alcohol. Even in my drinking days, I would cut myself off if I did not like my surroundings. If I found myself to be amongst people I did not know or even those I did know, but did not like. I rarely, if ever, “stayed over” a person’s home instead of driving. I kept watch on my friends and did my best to make sure nothing bad happened to them as well. I distinguished between the good-guys and the others. The good-guys were the ones you could trust to not violate you if you were grossly drunk or if you fell asleep. I knew I never wanted to be one of those girls. The ones that get passed around, the one that you can take anywhere and she’ll do anything. There were so many times I thought to myself: Wow, if this guy(s) wanted to rape me, he totally could. I wouldn’t be able to get out of it. How did I survive this era of my life without being assaulted? The only thing that makes sense is God’s mercy.

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Mercy: an event to be grateful for, especially because its occurrence prevents something unpleasant or provides relief from suffering.

Related reading:

http://m.clarionproject.org/news/150-isis-sex-slaves-commit-suicide-some-fed-dogs
“we all live in a world raging with sin, and I’m not immune to its affects.” http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2002/july/i-was-raped.html#bmb=1

“Nothing has made the glories of heaven, a place where God “will wipe away every tear from [our] eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore,” sound so sweet.” http://goodwomenproject.com/rape/god-saw-my-rape-and-he-didnt-stop-it
http://www.gotquestions.org/favor-of-God.html
http://carm.org/where-does-god-ever-show-us-mercy
http://rightwingnews.com/crime/the-problem-with-the-slut-walk/
http://indianmuslimpost.blogspot.com/2013/08/slut-walk-mocks-indian-women-real-issues.html
http://www.girlsgonewise.com/five-problems-i-have-with-slutwalk-marches/
http://www.yasminnair.net/content/slutwalk-end-feminism
http://www.aidemocracy.org/students/the-issues-with-slutwalk/

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