Journaling, sex, Transformation

A Lonely Girl’s Cry

I’ve been pursuing deeper things with the Lord lately and examining the issue of soul ties. Soul ties are the bonds we make with others. They can be healthy or toxic, Kingdom building or Kingdom breaking, holy or unholy.

Recently I looked through a workbook from a transformative conference my church calls, All Access. In the conference we cover the deeper topics of Identity, Generational Inequity, Father & Mother Wounds, Inner Vows, Soul Ties and more. I’ve participated a few times in the past couple of years. Each time new issues in my heart and mind are brought to light. Soul ties are always on the forefront of my quest. I have on multiple occassions prayed prayers breaking soul ties to people of my past, specifically sexual in nature. Honestly, each time I do I haven’t felt much happening after that. I’ve prayed but the pull in my soul still persists.

During one of the sessions at All Access, a deep intricate thought came to me but I didnt jot it down in my notes. I assumed it was such an epiphany that I’d remember later…but…I didn’t remember! Grrr! About a week later I reviewed my notes and tried desperately to remember that great thought. I searched the internet for more information on soul ties and watched a teaching video from Jennifer LeClaire. The link to the video is at the bottom of this post.

Everything I read included the steps to breaking soul ties. One of the steps was always to get rid of mementos or gifts, anything that could link you back to the soul tie. I kept thinking I don’t have any objects at all, nothing. I have gotten rid of things like that. But the Holy Spirit reminded me I had journals in boxes in my closet. He told me to get rid of them. Its true, I had journals and journals of documentation of the past, exploits with men and all kinds of unrighteous and spiritually dead themes.

Amongst these journals I had been holding onto a photograph of myself and my “first love” from 2002. He was my first sexual partner and yes first love. He died in 2011 of alcohol poisoning. Sad & Alone. We hadn’t been a couple since 2004. There were some brief sexual encounters years later. I hesitated putting the picture in the throw away box. It was the last item that would link us together.

There were many more stories I threw away in between all those pages.

Included was a play by play of the unrequited love that defined my life. Someone I wanted to be with since I first slept with him. Talk about a Stage 5 clinger! He NEVER wanted me more than to sleep with and I wanted it all from him. To this day I’ve still wanted him. This person has always been the object of my soul tie prayers. I’ve *always* been conflicted about it.

At All Access, our Pastor’s wife (oversees all counseling needs at our church) said something about being Bonded to Loneliness. Those pages were filled with a lonely girl’s cry, confusion, rejection, insecurity etc. Thats been the theme of my heart for decades, and I’m only 32! On that day, March 12th, I threw away all the old scripts and memories. I know I have to cling to the New Life Jesus gave me.

Did magic happen on that day? No. God is not a magician. I’m unaware of what all took place in the spirit realm when I followed through with the Holy Spirit’s directive to throw away those journals. I’m unaware of all the unholy doors that were slammed and bolted shut that day. Im unaware of what Heaven is is now able to do on my behalf because of my obedience. I dont know everything but I know it was a move I had to make to get closer to Jesus and the Father.

Related Videos:

Related Reading:

https://www.charismamag.com/spirit/spiritual-warfare/25853-7-signs-of-an-unhealthy-soul-tie

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Transformation

The Time I Went to the Abortion Clinic

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness
-2 Corinthians 11:30image

It was around noon or 1:00pm, a sunny Saturday. My friend had thought she was leading us to a Planned Parenthood, but it turned out to be the “Abortion Clinic.” I know this because there was a giant sign facing me as I stared out of my window that read “Abortion Clinic.” I reluctantly turned left into the parking lot. We walked in the door, and into a second door. There was a glass window and on the other side was a medical receptionist. She asked how she could help us and I don’t remember what I said. She asked for our I.D.s and made copies of them. She returned and handed them to us through the open slot of the glass window. They allowed us through the door into the waiting room. I did not want to be there.

The night before, I had driven out of town to see someone. A guy I had been talking to for a month or so maybe two. I knew this person from high school, college affiliations, and mutual friends. Definitely not a Cat Fish situation besides, that tv show did not exist back then. We had made out at a party at some point before. Prior to driving there I decided that I wasn’t going to sleep with him. Fool around? Sure, but I wont go all the way. Just have fun and I’ll only stay for awhile not the whole night.

Well…

I did sleep with him. I did stay the whole night though we didn’t sleep. That’s not innuendo, we didn’t sleep because we couldn’t find the condom afterwards. Lord, take me now- its already so embarrassing. We searched our immediate area and bodies. Nothing. He began to stress… a lot. Sitting there in the awkward uh-oh early morning hours. Perhaps this was a very edgy funny commercial somewhere in the world. Nope- it was real life. My life. Each heavy minute was another confirmation that I should have left a very long time ago. I should have already been home, but now I’m here, dealing with This. I wasn’t worried about what he was worried about. I new I wasn’t going to be pregnant. I just knew. The guy on the other hand, was already 9 months ahead of himself. He had no idea of what to do or what could be done. I suggested Plan B [I didn’t know much about it] but the words brought him relief. He rambled off a bunch of questions, I said I didn’t know. We drove to an ATM and he gave me some cash. How lovely. I drove home and got on the internet to look up Planned Parenthood. They didn’t open until 11am, it was only 7:30am. My logical brain told me to check for the condom one more time. It was exactly where you would imagine. An even bigger confirmation of my poor decision. If this was ever the sign to stop making stupid decisions. I rested until it was around 11am. I texted a friend earlier and asked if she would go with me, but she was busy now. I drove to Planned Parenthood and as I got closer I could see people in the parking lot. As I got even closer, I saw they were protesters with signs. Yet another sign. I did not stop but drove straight to another friend’s apartment near by. I called her and asked if she was busy. She said “No why?” I said because “I’m parked in front of your apartment.” I went inside and explained everything. She agreed to go with me. We went back to Planned Parenthood but everyone was gone and it seemed their front doors were locked. She said she knew of one in what is technically another city but more of an extension of our city.

That’s where this story started at the top. The Abortion Clinic. I sat in the waiting room trying to not look at the other women there. Were they all getting abortions today? Getting Plan B? Regular check-ups? One woman walked out of the hallway crying and straight out of the door. The self-righteous person I was was being humbled. I cant judge anyone in this clinic because I am here with them. I was called back and received Plan B, two pills now and two pills to take 12 hours from now [If I’m not mistaken, Plan B is one pill now]. They told me that if I started to throw up to call them immediately and come back. AHH, reassuring Thanks.

I went home and stayed home that day. I didn’t want to risk throwing up in public anywhere. I text him that I got the pills. After the incident, our friendship was never the same. I didn’t want it to end, I didn’t want to feel used. But it did end and I did feel used. I felt sad briefly but did not forget to place a large chip on my shoulder and add him to the list of guys I held in disdain.

Fast forward a couple of months later, he attempted to apologize to me at a house party. I was there with a boyfriend. I rolled my eyes and was superiorly annoyed. My boyfriend stepped in to tell him that he knew I was owed an apology and “whatever happened before us is whatever.” I enjoyed that but exited my way out of the immediate area. I turned around to find them taking some shots together and sharing some weird level of camaraderie. UGH AS IF! Guys will be guys.

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Fast forward some years later, he sent me a lengthy apology via Facebook. He was leading a program for young men teaching them how to be a man. He saw the irony. It truly was a legit apology. However, if you read my post Save your Sorry- you’ll see I don’t like apologies. I blew his apology off and didn’t respond for many months. When I did, all I said was “Thanks.” I can be a jerk.

Fast forward some even more years later, we ended up working in the same agency. I know right? Only God does things like that. I was so nervous just walking to the restroom or the lounge. Looking around every corner! A mutual friend relayed his fears as well. He told her, he still thought I hated him. I was shocked and disappointed. Disappointed in myself, at this point I had begun to live obediently to Christ. My heart was absolutely over those past events. I had no hate or negativity in my heart for him. It was more of a lets just laugh at all of this silliness between us type of feeling. One day he did see me in the lounge and we chatted as adults do. It was fine.image

Fast forward some months after that, to a Cinco de Mayo night at nightclub. It was his favorite style of Mexican music, music I only dance at Mexican weddings when a man insists I dance with him. Its imperative I roll my eyes first letting the man know I’m only going to dance to amuse him. Of course, we addressed our history. He said “I was just a boy,” — “I was just a girl.”

That story began 10 years ago. I learned a handful of lessons.

It’s a very good thing to let people know you don’t still hate them.

If someone legitimately apologizes, say more than “Thanks.”

Women sit in abortion clinics all the time, when technically they don’t really want to.

Sometime, sacrificing their comfort to appease some one else.

I’ve always had good friends that never judged me.

I’ve helped new friends by telling them this story.

Its made them understand I’ve definitely made stupid decisions.

We all have stories. Embarrassing, pitiful, shameful. Whatever word you use to describe them. God can come in, change your heart and give you confidence to share them.image


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Transformation

Save your Sorry- a true confession

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Save your sorry for some other girl. Save your sorry I don’t wana hear it. Maybe don’t do things that you will have to be sorry about.

After a guy would hurt me, I did not want to hear sorry. Don’t even apologize. You did what you did, there’s no room for you in my heart anymore. I’ve shut the door and locked it. Things will never be the same again. I know you now. You’re not who you said you were. You’re not who I believed you to be. You’re the opposite of all the good things I had liked about you. I must leave. I must stay away. “it’s too dangerous to be the vicinity of where you are.” You are dangerous to me now. I must protect myself. I must build walls higher and stronger. You will not hurt me again. This will not happen again. I will know next time. I will see the signs. I will stay away. I knew I didn’t need anyone anyway. I knew it would end up like this. I knew I’d be the one to hurt. They are all the same.
Proceed to the Bitterness Parade. The I Don’t Need a Man Clan. Omarion’s “Icebox” on repeat. Goes to closet. I’m going out. I’m going out tonight. Puts on short shorts, cutest top. I’m gona be the S***. I’ll show him. Puts on heels. He’ll see what he’s lost. He’ll see he is replaceable. Re-apply makeup. “Boys just come and go like seasons.” Mascara layer 1 &2. “You must not know ’bout me, I can have another you by tomorrow, so don’t you ever for a second get to thinkin.’” Mascara layers 3 &4. “The best way to get over someone old, is to get under someone new.” Apply glossiest lip gloss so it almost drips. “I’m single again, back on the prowl, I thought he was perfect, I don’t know how.” Head to the club. Bar. Party. After Party. Kickback. I need to find someone to make out with. I won’t do anything else.
Approached by a guy. Act like I don’t care. Tease him about something. Be flirty, coy, sarcastic, and maybe a bit mean. He wouldn’t know what to do with me if I was naked sitting on his lap! He’s not on my level. He had an umbrella in his drink! Are you serious? Like, if I wanted him, I’d have him. If I wanted him to come and talk to me, I woulda let him know. Like what makes you think you can just come up and talk to *me*? Yea I saw him lookin since I got here. LAME. Oh look at her. Honey, if I wanted your man, it would already done and happened.
That was me at 20…21….22….23…24? Those years are blurry ones. Dark club lights, tipsy walks to bathrooms, walks of shame, 3am tacos/breakfasts, intoxicated driving, and lots of “plans” gone awry. Regret. Some say they don’t have regrets because it was a lesson they learned, it lead them to where they are today, because it was once something they wanted. I do not feel the same. I have regrets. I have memories, that I wish I could go back in time and erase them from ever happening. I have memories that I hope others do not remember. Guys that I hope they don’t remember kissing me, touching my body, sleeping with me. I hope I have faded away that they wouldn’t recognize me on the street. Remembering such situations, makes me feel gross. I can’t believe I did some things I have done. It feels like so long ago, like someone else’s life. Like a story you heard one time from someone else. Like a movie you have seen once.
I began to show some growth though. Visualize that Keanu Reeves meme: So if no one is on my level, then that means I am alone, because there is no one on my level. I am on the level by myself. DEEP. Go ahead, laugh. Some scholars now say the brain doesn’t reach full development until age 25. So yea, that happened.
At about 25 I entered a serious relationship with someone. I moved cities and we lived together. I thought I was grown then. We played house and I’ll admit, I enjoyed certain aspects of it. Having someone to come home to after work. Having a man brush off snow from my car in the morning. Okay, maybe just two. It all came to end exactly to the day I had moved there the previous year. It ended in me crying. Me moving out. Me having to remain in that city because I was about to start my final class for my degree in two days. I wanted to jump in my car and come back Home. Circumstances wouldn’t permit me to do so. I had to tough it out.
[part of my testimony]
My mantra was “it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want me, GOD wants me.” My feelings were hurt but I coped appropriately. I didn’t turn to alcohol, partying, depression, other guys like I had once envisioned if that day ever came. I worked, and studied night and day, walked a little over 3miles up to 5 days a week. I stayed in contact with supportive friends and family. My friends and family didn’t understand how I was doing so well in light of what had just happened. I didn’t quite understand either but I didn’t doubt it. I knew my proper place was not in that city, with that guy. God was calling me back home, to Omaha, to my family, to my friends, back to Life Church and onto another kind of life.
I have always believed in God, even as a child. I had always prayed to God and talked to Him. My faith in Him did get me through trying times as a young person. However I was not actively and outwardly pursuing God and being obedient to Him until 2012. That May, after participating in a 5k in Omaha with a close friend, we found ourselves at Life Church (at Westside). There the sermon was about letting go of the things God wants for you to let go of and trusting Him. It was compelling due to my current circumstances and at the alter call, a woman asked how she could pray for me. I told her to pray that I be able to make a certain decision when the time came and to not hesitate doing what I have to do. She prayed for me and I returned home (3 hours west of Omaha) later that day. Within 2 weeks my boyfriend and I dramatically confronted the crossroads we were at and it was very clear our relationship was over.

wpid-20141210_200108-1.jpg[From Wild at Heart by John Eldredge; God will shatter your false self, so that you may become who is designed you to be, for you to turn toward Him and nothing else]

As you know now, I have been on a long journey. It hasn’t always made sense and I couldn’t see in the dark. My eyes are open now and I no longer walk around blind. My heart is open and I do not refuse to love anyone. Even if you hurt me. I still care for you and pray for you. I have forgiven the guys that have hurt me and have received heart felt apologies from them through the years. You may be stuck in old patterns, old habits, addictions, unhealthy habits. You may be sick of the same outcomes, the same hurts. The same heartbreak just different faces to attach it to. You may think things aren’t so bad. Really examine your life. Are you accepting things just as they are because you don’t believe you are Worthy of more? Of a life better than one you are living now? I chose to follow God, and so many things changed. If you liked this story, there is a story waiting for you.  Jesus died so you don’t have to be chained to an old-outdated-broken version of yourself.
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Related: Invite More Love: http://youtu.be/LGVDYgUPqEI

http://en.gravatar.com/that1liana

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