Can you be a Christian and listen to The Weeknd?
Melancholy and defeat permeate his songs. They find places in me that still need Jesus. Its the empty, depressive pining for the things that feel like cuts on your skin and make you question why you’ll never be clean.
Maybe it was my triggers being triggered, past, present, future. Insecurity, rejection, hypocrisy, abandonment, terror.
I stumbled on the After Hours album when I was at the bottom of a low place. I experienced what I would label as spiritual abuse. People acting in the name Christ that were manipulative and nothing resembling actual Christ-likeness. It was a shock to my system. I look back and summarize my experience as full of anxiety(fear), depression, confusion and having a broken heart and spirit. I had been praying in desperation to be protected and removed from the situation. I felt like Elijah running from Jezebel.
“ Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.” 1 Kings 19:3-4
I felt so low and had wished I had been able to be stronger. I remembered Elijah running from Jezebel and David running from King Saul. That was the only solace and grace that I could muster.
“And I feel everything
I feel everything from my body to my soul
No, no
Well, I feel everything
When I’m coming down is the most I feel alone
No, no I’ve been sober for a year, now it’s time for me
To go back to my old ways, don’t you cry for me
Thought I’d be a better man, but I lied to me and to you”
Maybe it was suppressed anger. Anger that disguises itself as lust. Anger that whispered to me to be Heartless.
“Cause I’m heartless
And I’m back to my ways ’cause I’m heartless
All this money and this pain got me heartless
Low life for life ’cause I’m heartless”
Maybe it was a dream turned mirage.
“Cali was the mission, but now a n**** leaving Leaving, leaving into the night”
The lyrics felt good. I felt justified. All my unmet needs gave way. I decided to give in. Its my turn now. I’ll go get lost and come back later. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right?
It’s not Abel’s fault. He’s just a man that writes songs and sings them in a beautiful falsetto. Music isn’t to blame.
The Adversary knew what I was feeling because he knew what I was listening to. He does not have access to read my mind but does have access to my spoken words and behaviors. He knows my patterns, my history and what baits to tempt me with.
In his book, “Unwanted- How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing,” Jay Stringer writes, “Anger aims at our longing for justice and restoration. Sin enters when lust is hijacked by covetousness or demand and anger is hijacked by entitlement, contempt or dogmatic control.”
Stringer continues, “Lust and anger are the primary tributaries that flow into the river of unwanted sexual behavior. I have never met someone who struggles deeply with lust who is not also battling with unaddressed anger.”
I’m only beginning to examine these “partners in crime” as Jay Stringer calls them.
Maybe it was my unaddressed anger that lulled me into an old depravity to self punish. Stringer explains, “I have come to understand that people make bad decisions not because of the potential for pleasure but to add additional evidence to their self judgment.” Also, “they are bound to the judgment of self-contempt.”
A place where I had to hide my royal robes under beggar’s rags. I don’t belong here.
“When she runs after her lovers,
she won’t be able to catch them.
She will search for them
but not find them.
Then she will think,
‘I might as well return to my husband,
for I was better off with him than I am now.’
8 She doesn’t realize it was I who gave her everything she has—
the grain, the new wine, the olive oil;
I even gave her silver and gold.
But she gave all my gifts to Baal.” Hosea 2:7-8
One hand on the cross and the other feeling the fever of hell. Knowing the Truth but seeing with perverted vision. Bartering with God but not holding up my end of the deal. I don’t belong here.
The physical body at war with the mind, the mind at war with the mind. The body fighting the disease (dis-ease) of sin. I now believe the Spirit will activate the physiology of the body to fight sin in the physical realm to get our attention. I’ve learned the body will reject the sin even if you consciously dont. Whats already been consecrated to the Lord is rightfully his; evil rulers of the unseen world, principalities of darkness cannot keep you.
Thank the One that wins us back!
“But then I will win her back once again.
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return her vineyards to her
and transform the Valley of Trouble[b] into a gateway of hope.
She will give herself to me there,
as she did long ago when she was young,
when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.” Hosea 2:14-15
Could He really want me back?
“I will make you my wife forever,
showing you righteousness and justice,
unfailing love and compassion.
I will be faithful to you and make you mine,
and you will finally know me as the Lord” Hosea 2:19-20
I can’t count how many times God saved me from myself. Saved me from my own hands. He saved me only because he interfered. He ran interference on my play. All I can do is ask God to keep interfering. There’s nothing for me outside of His will.
“Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:1-10
Related Music: Clean Heart by I-Von https://youtu.be/62vHhVtsqzU
Fallin by Trip Lee https://youtu.be/xG723F0PWrQ
Could Never Repay You by Bryann T https://youtu.be/Yptg_Qqjl0c
Celebrate by I-Von https://youtu.be/4Cd6QJRVzMc
Related Reading: Unwanted-How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing by Jay Stringer
Related Podcast: The Place We Find Ourselves with Adam Young
Confessions of a Recovering Feminist 