Journaling, sex, Transformation

A Lonely Girl’s Cry

I’ve been pursuing deeper things with the Lord lately and examining the issue of soul ties. Soul ties are the bonds we make with others. They can be healthy or toxic, Kingdom building or Kingdom breaking, holy or unholy.

Recently I looked through a workbook from a transformative conference my church calls, All Access. In the conference we cover the deeper topics of Identity, Generational Inequity, Father & Mother Wounds, Inner Vows, Soul Ties and more. I’ve participated a few times in the past couple of years. Each time new issues in my heart and mind are brought to light. Soul ties are always on the forefront of my quest. I have on multiple occassions prayed prayers breaking soul ties to people of my past, specifically sexual in nature. Honestly, each time I do I haven’t felt much happening after that. I’ve prayed but the pull in my soul still persists.

During one of the sessions at All Access, a deep intricate thought came to me but I didnt jot it down in my notes. I assumed it was such an epiphany that I’d remember later…but…I didn’t remember! Grrr! About a week later I reviewed my notes and tried desperately to remember that great thought. I searched the internet for more information on soul ties and watched a teaching video from Jennifer LeClaire. The link to the video is at the bottom of this post.

Everything I read included the steps to breaking soul ties. One of the steps was always to get rid of mementos or gifts, anything that could link you back to the soul tie. I kept thinking I don’t have any objects at all, nothing. I have gotten rid of things like that. But the Holy Spirit reminded me I had journals in boxes in my closet. He told me to get rid of them. Its true, I had journals and journals of documentation of the past, exploits with men and all kinds of unrighteous and spiritually dead themes.

Amongst these journals I had been holding onto a photograph of myself and my “first love” from 2002. He was my first sexual partner and yes first love. He died in 2011 of alcohol poisoning. Sad & Alone. We hadn’t been a couple since 2004. There were some brief sexual encounters years later. I hesitated putting the picture in the throw away box. It was the last item that would link us together.

There were many more stories I threw away in between all those pages.

Included was a play by play of the unrequited love that defined my life. Someone I wanted to be with since I first slept with him. Talk about a Stage 5 clinger! He NEVER wanted me more than to sleep with and I wanted it all from him. To this day I’ve still wanted him. This person has always been the object of my soul tie prayers. I’ve *always* been conflicted about it.

At All Access, our Pastor’s wife (oversees all counseling needs at our church) said something about being Bonded to Loneliness. Those pages were filled with a lonely girl’s cry, confusion, rejection, insecurity etc. Thats been the theme of my heart for decades, and I’m only 32! On that day, March 12th, I threw away all the old scripts and memories. I know I have to cling to the New Life Jesus gave me.

Did magic happen on that day? No. God is not a magician. I’m unaware of what all took place in the spirit realm when I followed through with the Holy Spirit’s directive to throw away those journals. I’m unaware of all the unholy doors that were slammed and bolted shut that day. Im unaware of what Heaven is is now able to do on my behalf because of my obedience. I dont know everything but I know it was a move I had to make to get closer to Jesus and the Father.

Related Videos:

Related Reading:

https://www.charismamag.com/spirit/spiritual-warfare/25853-7-signs-of-an-unhealthy-soul-tie

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Gender Issues, Uncategorized, Women

Why I’m Pro Life

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Do not envy the violent
or choose any of their ways.
For the Lord detests the perverse
but takes the upright into his confidence. Proverbs 3:31-32

A war cry was sounded in July 2015 when the Center for Medical Progress unleashed 10 videos. The Planned Parenthood videos. In these videos we heard PP execs negotiate money for scalps. Oops! I’m thinking of The Revenant. I’m mean for baby body parts. I watched in disgust as I women cackled like hit-men; others watched in denial. It turned into controversy. You mean PP wasn’t truly helping sad-poor-women, but building larger budgets for their Lambos? Yelawolf thought he was driving daddy’s Lambo not your maternal ovum donor’s.

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I considered posting a blog on the topic last year as the videos continued to surface. I wasn’t sure of what to say. The videos said it all. The Pro Life pages I follow said it all. What would I say that wasn’t being said?

So here you and I are…lets begin.

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My parents weren’t married when my mom became pregnant. They were living at home with their parents. Working entry level jobs. They were in love. They weren’t ready to be parents. They even broke up for a short time. For the first few months of my life, I lived in two homes, the homes of my grandparents. The three of us into an apartment [a crappy one] and they were married 5 months after I was born. My parents never hid any of the this from me. I grew up knowing I wasn’t planned. Because my parents weren’t prepared for parenthood nor for marriage, lots of mistakes were made. I was witness to two selfish people push and pull on each other- not in a #relationshipgoals kind of way. It was ugly and I questioned why my mom even had me. As a child, I remember imagining this was my temporary family. My real family wasn’t ready for me yet so I have to be here until God gets them ready. There were good times but I grew up uncertain of many things.  It took years and by years I mean 20+ of them to heal. Families are not perfect. Parents are not perfect. Life, love, and sex are messy. It takes years to clean up the aftermath.

You may say that’s exactly what I’m saving my baby from. A bad life. But all I hear you saying is that you don’t want to grow up. You don’t want to change. You don’t want anything interrupting your life. You’re life is for you and you only. You’re wrong.

Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.   1Corinthians 6:19-20

A person may think their own ways are right, but the Lord weighs the heart.     Proverbs 21:2

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When my mom’s sister found out that she was pregnant, my aunt said, “Why don’t you just get rid of it?”

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I have never had the privilege of being pregnant. There have been plenty of opportunities. Thinking back to my first boyfriend- I lost my virginity when I was 17. We were in love. With our Romeo and Juliet Complex, we decided to get pregnant. He was moving away and in our teenage brains thought if only I were to get pregnant, then he’d have to stay! So I stopped taking my birth control pills for all of 6 or 7 days as we “tried” to get me knocked up. I knew it wasn’t the smartest decision as he was a high school drop out with no job and I was just a senior in high school. I didn’t see it as working in the long run- but I didn’t care to think it through.

Fast forward to some more guys later. Boyfriends or non-boyfriends. I took many pregnancy tests but all of them- always negative. Phew! Whether I wanted to be or Not.

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There have been so many times I was glad to never have had a child with someone from my past. By the Grace and Mercy of God he spared me.

I’ve envisioned telling my family and friends “I’m pregnant” to be bombarded with: But who’s the father? I didn’t know you had a boyfriend? But you don’t have a boyfriend? I didn’t know you were seeing someone? Is it  ____’s? Who? What? When? Posting a sonogram photo to my timeline, maybe I’d get lots of Likes. Hopefully everyone would keep those questions to themselves. I may not have ever had the courage to answer them. Every answer from mouth would feel like an earthquake to my heart.

Telling the guy I want to be with and accepting that he doesn’t want to be with me still. Entertaining the idea that I’m trying to trap him. Knowing this will most likely create more distance between rather than draw him toward me. Or worse, telling me to take care of it. Would he turn out to be that cold and heartless? A guy moving on with someone else and I would just be the girl he had a baby with. No one special.

Being another single mom. A baby momma. Dealing with a baby dad. Dealing with a guy that says: I don’t know what you’re talking about. That’s not mine. That’s your problem. I had never fantasized about being pregnant solo, who does? Setting up a crib in my one bed-room apartment. Coordinating with the “dad” [if he was involved] drop off and pick up times. Meeting him at the door or car. Pretending like there wasn’t anything else to discuss. Dealing with unmet expectations and disappointment on the regular. Reminding myself that I also had a hand in this mess too. I should’ve known better. I do know better. I should have used protection. I should have never slept with him.

Aside from all of that, I’ve always known if I ever become pregnant, I would become a Mother. There has never been another option in my sight. I may not have wanted to have a child with that guy or this guy- but I always knew it didn’t matter. I’d be a Mom and a great one. I could never imagine getting rid of my baby all because the situation with fell through. The results of a pregnancy test always put my relationships in perspective. I’ve never thought there to be a right time or wrong time to get pregnant. All the money and education cannot fully prepare you to be a mom [or dad]. We must eradicate this lie.  No one has the $300,000 [“that it costs to raise a child”] just sitting in their bank account. You’re heart prepares you. As a woman, your body was made for this. Trust me, its biology and theology. Divinely created to enrapture a baby.

Learn to do right; seek justice.
Defend the oppressed.
Take up the cause of the fatherless;
plead the case of the widow.     Isaiah 1:17

I feel it in my heart. I feel it in my bones. I long for the opportunity. The privilege.

I am Pro Life.

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Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.        Romans 6:13

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=922582726158&id=149700362

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Gender Issues, Men, open letter, Quick Read, Uncategorized, Women

FW: Screw Off, Feminists: An Open Letter to Men from a Real Woman

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From Louder with Crowder. I couldn’t resist sharing!

“Dear Men,

Everyday there’s news/outrage about the latest female tragedy, the “war on women” the #SJW feminist women, the body-shaming women. Then there’s “rape culture” and “male privilege,” and “micro-agression.” Seems to me, if you’re a man in this world, there’s nothing you can do right. If you tell a woman to smile, you’re a sexist. If you tell a woman she’s pretty, you’re reducing her to just her looks. If you tell a woman she’s smart, you’re a sexist for being surprised that she’s smart and more than just her body. If you vocalize that you think a hot woman is hot… oh geez. Bar and lock the doors, the feminists will stab you with their steely knives.

Well as a woman (yeah, it’s Courtney Kirchoff here, not Steven Crowder), here’s something you need to know: women love men. For being men.

Okay, several feminist keyboards have been reduced to dust. Chicas are hammering their keys like the old cavemen hammered their women before dragging them into the cave. Oh that right there? Joke. I know you feminists don’t think it’s funny. Nothing to you is funny. That’s why it’s funny.

Yes, I know you’re out there, SJW feminists. You’re going to call me a bitch. You’re going to call me a sell-out. You’re going to say I’m an ignorant this, that, and plenty of other four and five letter words because I dared to write “women love men,” despite the glaring proof women do love men. Proof? The perpetuation of the species. You know, men and women getting together, doing the deed, having and not aborting their babies. I can hear you all yelling, “PATRIARCHY” and “RAPE,” out there. Yell and scream and stomp all you want. I don’t care. Background noise.

This letter is for the men who go out and do. Who build, who create, who pursue excellence, who make the world a little better by being unapologetic MEN. I’m not talking to the jerks and the creeps. They get too much attention and they do NOT represent all men. Okay? Okay.

Sorry guys, I had to address those harpies first, because they’re shrill and annoying. Where was I? Right, women love men.

Millions of women, myself included, celebrate you guys for being dudes. We may joke about how you annoy us with your one-thing-at-a-time focus, but we love that too. Life is simpler and better with you in it. We love how you say what you mean. You’re uncomplicated, straightforward, and easy to talk to. And we usually don’t have to issue disclaimers before we do speak with you…so thanks for that.

We appreciate that you want to protect women. Despite what all the feminists say, millions of us know you care for women. We know you would pound a punk into the ground if he tried messing with us. We know you love children and want to protect them. We know you want to call your daughters “princesses,” and you’re not being patriarchal when you do.

We celebrate your ambition. One of my favorite qualities in a man is his drive to be his best. He likes to take risks because he likes to push his limits and test his strength. He likes to be challenged both in his career and in his personal pursuits. Every day he is working to better himself to be a greater man than he was before.

We love your competitive drive. Women might mock you for needing to “out do” the other guys, but *this* woman at least, enjoys it. What’s life without a little competition? Thanks for the sarcastic back and forth, for trying to one-up your buddy at the gym. Rock on. We’ll watch and cheer you on. But you better win…

We love your self-deprecating humor and how you want to make us laugh. This one should be self-evident, but sadly it’s not. Even when we don’t want to be cheered up, you still try. You’re a soldier who loves his woman. Even if your woman gives you “the look” I’d like to think that deep down she’s not plotting to smother you with a pillow when you snore; she’s appreciating your good humor. Okay, maybe she wishes you didn’t snore so much. Hey, she’s human, too.

Oh SJWs, give it a rest. Are all men like the ones I’m describing? No. But a lot of men are, and not everything is about you and your micro-agressions and fat-shaming. Stop taking up all the attention, this shouldn’t be about you.

Ahem.

We love how you pursue us when you like us, and we like you. Three feminist’s brains just exploded right there. Yes, men, we LIKE IT when you call us. We like it when you show us how much you care for us by actively pursuing us, even when you have us (7 more feminist brains have exploded). We like it when you open the door and treat us like queens. We like it when you make the plans, when you have direction.

So guys, when you’re constantly bitch-slapped by the loud, modern feminists for “man-spreading,” or whatever other new term they’re going to pull out of their uptight butts, know that millions of women cherish you for exactly who you are: Men. The world is a better place with men in it. Yes. I WROTE THAT. Millions of us support you. We support your careers. We support your choices. We love you for being masculine, and we celebrate you for it.

Now go chop some wood and make us a fire.

~Written by Courtney Kirchoff”

http://louderwithcrowder.com/opinion-dear-men-women-actually-love-you-
0for-being-men/ 11-27-15

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Breast Feeding, Women

Breast Feeding: I Don’t Get It

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I almost feel there’s no need for a lengthy analysis on this topic as SNL summed it up in two sentences. Now, I don’t know where feminists stand on this topic. I just Googled it and there’s actually, “Scholarly articles for feminists on breastfeeding” and “It’s time for Feminist to stop arguing about breastfeeding.” SMH. Breastfeeding is not a Feminist concern. Breastfeeding takes us back [into the dark ages said every feminist ever]. This is where it gets milky. If one believes in the sanctity of breastfeeding than one cannot truly be a feminist. Breastfeeding, like pregnancy and child birth is of the Highest gifts and talents given to Woman by God. This is where we differ from Man and cannot ever be the same as a man. If your main cry is for Equality, then how can we be equal to man in this capacity? The only way for us to be “equal” to a man is for us to reject this purpose of our bodies and act as if we have no breasts or womb. OR, for a man to somehow become equipped to provide milk from his chest and have equal opportunity to breastfeed and pump milk to be stored for later use (remember Meet the Fockers?) Equality does not mean Sameness. Right now, I’m giving you the same look as Cecily Strong has in that meme.
Pregnancy was stolen by the medical field in the beginning of the 20th century. In 1900, almost all births were home births (less than 5% were in hospitals). Doctors became more educated and viewed midwives as uneducated, indecent and “old world.” The medical field also began to emphasize personal hygiene and cleanliness. The shift from homebirth to hospital began. Another shift in *progress* was the introduction of drugs like morphine and scopolamine. They were given as a cocktail injection (Twilight Sleep) to mothers during labor. Woman struggled with consciousness (duh) and often thrashed around violently often leading to restraints! Despite it’s terrifying side effects, it was all the rage amongst women of the time, feminists and anti- feminists. They agreed on one thing: Painless childbirth was Liberation.
“One of the few American doctors to embrace Twilight Sleep, [Bertha]Van Hoosen became its most prominent medical advocate. She espoused that less awareness meant less birth injury – that scopolamine relaxed the uterus, leading to fewer forceps deliveries. Interestingly, Van Hoosen and other painless childbirth advocates incorporated a very anti-sex mentality with their pro-Twilight Sleep beliefs: “Painless childbirth will eradicate prostitution, abortion, divorce, childlessness, venereal disease, sexual excess in marriage.” Van Hoosen was a firm advocate of using anesthesia to break the link between the brain and the sexual organs. She began used it in her practice. Some women slept through labor; others became hysterical. Van Hoosen developed a canvas crib-like bed, to cage them in.” -supportbirth.com

A notable doctor of the time Dr. Joseph DeLee described childbirth as a “pathological process,” and that childbirth was not normal. By 1939, 50% of all births were conducted in hospitals. By the 1950s, 80% of all births were conducted in hospitals.-midwiferytoday.com

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After World War II, the sale of formula was on the rise and becoming a lucrative business. Breastfeeding appeared to be on its way out. In 1956, La Leche League was formed because breastfeeding rates had plummeted. Seven mothers that attended the same church began talking one day. They realized they had more in common than not. Their concerns about motherhood and the care of their babies and young children became an organized group. They began to offer support to one another and other mothers. I watched this video via Youtube and heard words like, “Natural” “Loving” and “Confidence.” They even wrote a book, The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. In 1971, they were honored by Princess Grace at an event. She commended them on their work and mission. I couldn’t have written a better story myself. The following is part of their purpose:

“LLL believes that breastfeeding, with its many important physical and psychological advantages, is best for baby and mother and is the ideal way to initiate good parent-child relationships. The loving help and support of the father enables the mother to focus on mothering so that together the parents develop close relationships which strengthen the family and thus the whole fabric of society.
LLL further believes that mothering through breastfeeding deepens a mother’s understanding and acceptance of the responsibilities and rewards of her special role in the family. As a woman grows in mothering she grows as a human being, and every other role she may fill in her lifetime is enriched by the insights and humanity she brings to it from her experiences as a mother.”

I love their purpose because it includes the significant role of the father in the child rearing. It emphasizes that the family unit is the ‘fabric of society.” It acknowledges that a woman has ‘special role in the family.’ They believe that “as a woman grows in mothering she grows as a human being” and that her life is enhanced by the experience of motherhood. Their message is beautifully expressed.

http://www.llli.org

Recently women and celebrities on social media have experienced backlash from viewers often irritated by the images of them breastfeeding their babies. People have complained to store owners and restaurant managers when women have breastfed in public. People have rationalized themselves crazy saying that breastfeeding in public is indecent and inappropriate. Some say its “gross” no matter the time or place. We have become so backwards and upside down as a *civilized* society that we view the most Natural feeding methods as gross and inappropriate. Yet, I eat my Frosted Mini-Wheats with breast-milk from a 1,500 pound 4 legged herbivore that says MOO. Like, I cant even right now. EW.
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http://en.gravatar.com/that1liana

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Gender Issues, History, Women

the War on Eve

 Female Genital Mutilation. Rape. Domestic Violence. Molestation. Female Infanticide. Acid Burning. Sex Slavery. Murder.

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The Women’s Movement was meant to Liberate us. Liberate us from what? I thought this was America? Land of the Free. I have Rights, dontcha know? Even with Rights & Freedoms, women still suffer. They suffer in every spec of space in the world. There are women in basements and inside walls barely clothed if at all. They are treated as reusable semen dumpsters. Their souls are annihilated with each use. Female infants, toddlers, girls, teens, and adult women are raped repeatedly. I feel nauseated typing these sentences because I can see them clearly. Women and girls with tears in their eyes, staring at ceilings hoping there is an end, praying that they just die. Doors being opened to see a small child maybe 4 years old, a negotiation of a price. A few green papers to use a child’s body for an orgasm. There is a war taking place and its been raging since the book of Genesis. The war is on Eve. You & me.

I’m not meant to just stay quiet* I’m meant to be a lion* I’ll roar beyond a song

Those are lyrics to a popular song that I love right now. There was a popular song in the 70s, ” I am Woman. Hear Me Roar.” That was a feminist’s anthem. Those lyrics in bold are my battle cry. I am a Defender of Femininity. I believe in the royal status God gave to women. I’m on a mission to restore my femininity. When God made Woman, he literally broke the mold. The mold was Himself in which he created Adam. Adam came from dust. And after Adam and God spent some time together, God realized there was something missing. He knocked Adam out and took a rib from Adam. From that rib He created Woman. She was unlike anything else. She was God’s cherry on top! The last touch of finesse! The frosting on the cake! Why didn’t God stir up some dust like He did with Adam? Because He knew this new creation had to be different! Had to be even more grand than the last! Eve was made from Adam because she was meant to be protected and governed by Adam. Can you imagine being so beautiful that you are guaranteed protection and provision? That is how we were meant to live. Adam and Eve (you and me) were meant to live in a beautiful garden. No traffic. no winter storms. no bills. no crime. no problems!  Man was supposed to take care of Woman, and Woman take care of Man. We were given different gifts and talents and it was going to be great!

This next piece of information is not entirely me. The book “Captivating” by Stasi and John Eldredge, the author’s write about Satan’s hate for Eve. Satan was once a beautiful angel, highly adored by God. However, because of his pride and desire to be God, he was cast out of Heaven. He was sent to live here (with us!). Satan was so prideful and arrogant, he became jealous of Eve. Simply, because his beauty had been out-done! Satan was a bit of a diva if you ask me. So he targeted Eve in the garden. Notice he never once enticed Adam to eat any fruit. He simply slithered out towards Eve and incited doubt. In her own sinful nature, decided that God was holding out on her. I admit plenty of times feeling like God was holding out on things and experiences from me. Can you? What do you believe God is holding out on you? Money? Success? A relationship? a Job? In an instant she decided that she knew better than God. *Insert curses now* Adam well…where was he? He was there but didn’t say anything. Personality defect: passivity. <*Satan also became angry with Eve because she blamed him when God confronted her.* She stated, “The serpent deceived me…” He had wanted Eve to reject God but she did not.> His trap did not go as planned. God served us with an Eviction Notice and some horrible curses.

One in particular stands out. “You’re desire will be for you husband, and he will rule over you.” *Patriarchy* Our love-hate relationship is a punishment for our sin in the garden. TBH I’m kinda irked by my ancestral grandparents. Here I am struggling to pay my bills, having menstrual cramps, plagued with unrequited love….I could be living in botanical bliss!

Life on earth is no easy task. We are cursed and attacked by Satan constantly. He is waging war on our spirits. Maybe you are reading this now and realizing how much as a woman you have suffered and endured. You think I was used, abused, spat on, kicked, punched, tortured, and so much more. I hope you see this is Satan not your fellow brother, Man. It may quite literally have been your brother molesting you, a father, uncle, boyfriend, husband that has stomped on your heart and soul. But Satan will use the sins of others to get to you and me. You can turn your heart cold towards men. Become bitter. Decide you can take care of yourself and complain later that men aint S***.  And in the same breath hypocritically, you can continue to do your best to snag a man with flirtatious and raunchy texts, short skirts and pouty lips. Two outcomes will occur: You will still get hurt. Your appetite for love will never be satisfied.

There is hope though. You CAN be LIBERATED! Liberated in Christ. Jesus’ death of the cross was for you. So you do not have to live with the chains on your wrists or on your heart. The war will continue but you will be equipped and trained to fight. You may even get to train up others. I know this because I’m in training right now. I’m studying how to fight the enemy. I’m studying how to arm myself. My soul is not going down without a fight. I’m not meant to stay quiet, I’m meant to be a LION.

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Related reading:

NEW as of November 21, 2018 : https://www.dailywire.com/news/38597/judge-rules-federal-law-banning-female-genital-hank-berrien

http://www.ryot.org/photos-these-women-were-doused-in-acid-for-turning-down-marriage-proposals/559641
http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/
http://sheikyermami.com/2015/03/women-have-no-need-for-their-genitalia-unless-you-are-a-whore/

http://liveactionnews.org/woman-aborts-18-girls-pregnant-son-husband-wanted/

http://m.clarionproject.org/news/150-isis-sex-slaves-commit-suicide-some-fed-dogs

Related Music: He Knows My Name by Francesca Battistelli, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYpBgJHmGmw

http://en.gravatar.com/that1liana

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