It was around noon or 1:00pm, a sunny Saturday. My friend had thought she was leading us to a Planned Parenthood, but it turned out to be the “Abortion Clinic.” I know this because there was a giant sign facing me as I stared out of my window that read “Abortion Clinic.” I reluctantly turned left into the parking lot. We walked in the door, and into a second door. There was a glass window and on the other side was a medical receptionist. She asked how she could help us and I don’t remember what I said. She asked for our I.D.s and made copies of them. She returned and handed them to us through the open slot of the glass window. They allowed us through the door into the waiting room. I did not want to be there.
The night before, I had driven out of town to see someone. A guy I had been talking to for a month or so maybe two. I knew this person from high school, college affiliations, and mutual friends. Definitely not a Cat Fish situation besides, that tv show did not exist back then. We had made out at a party at some point before. Prior to driving there I decided that I wasn’t going to sleep with him. Fool around? Sure, but I wont go all the way. Just have fun and I’ll only stay for awhile not the whole night.
I did sleep with him. I did stay the whole night though we didn’t sleep. That’s not innuendo, we didn’t sleep because we couldn’t find the condom afterwards. Lord, take me now- its already so embarrassing. We searched our immediate area and bodies. Nothing. He began to stress… a lot. Sitting there in the awkward uh-oh early morning hours. Perhaps this was a very edgy funny commercial somewhere in the world. Nope- it was real life. My life. Each heavy minute was another confirmation that I should have left a very long time ago. I should have already been home, but now I’m here, dealing with This. I wasn’t worried about what he was worried about. I new I wasn’t going to be pregnant. I just knew. The guy on the other hand, was already 9 months ahead of himself. He had no idea of what to do or what could be done. I suggested Plan B [I didn’t know much about it] but the words brought him relief. He rambled off a bunch of questions, I said I didn’t know. We drove to an ATM and he gave me some cash. How lovely. I drove home and got on the internet to look up Planned Parenthood. They didn’t open until 11am, it was only 7:30am. My logical brain told me to check for the condom one more time. It was exactly where you would imagine. An even bigger confirmation of my poor decision. If this was ever the sign to stop making stupid decisions. I rested until it was around 11am. I texted a friend earlier and asked if she would go with me, but she was busy now. I drove to Planned Parenthood and as I got closer I could see people in the parking lot. As I got even closer, I saw they were protesters with signs. Yet another sign. I did not stop but drove straight to another friend’s apartment near by. I called her and asked if she was busy. She said “No why?” I said because “I’m parked in front of your apartment.” I went inside and explained everything. She agreed to go with me. We went back to Planned Parenthood but everyone was gone and it seemed their front doors were locked. She said she knew of one in what is technically another city but more of an extension of our city.
That’s where this story started at the top. The Abortion Clinic. I sat in the waiting room trying to not look at the other women there. Were they all getting abortions today? Getting Plan B? Regular check-ups? One woman walked out of the hallway crying and straight out of the door. The self-righteous person I was was being humbled. I cant judge anyone in this clinic because I am here with them. I was called back and received Plan B, two pills now and two pills to take 12 hours from now [If I’m not mistaken, Plan B is one pill now]. They told me that if I started to throw up to call them immediately and come back. AHH, reassuring Thanks.
I went home and stayed home that day. I didn’t want to risk throwing up in public anywhere. I text him that I got the pills. After the incident, our friendship was never the same. I didn’t want it to end, I didn’t want to feel used. But it did end and I did feel used. I felt sad briefly but did not forget to place a large chip on my shoulder and add him to the list of guys I held in disdain.
Fast forward a couple of months later, he attempted to apologize to me at a house party. I was there with a boyfriend. I rolled my eyes and was superiorly annoyed. My boyfriend stepped in to tell him that he knew I was owed an apology and “whatever happened before us is whatever.” I enjoyed that but exited my way out of the immediate area. I turned around to find them taking some shots together and sharing some weird level of camaraderie. UGH AS IF! Guys will be guys.
Fast forward some years later, he sent me a lengthy apology via Facebook. He was leading a program for young men teaching them how to be a man. He saw the irony. It truly was a legit apology. However, if you read my post Save your Sorry- you’ll see I don’t like apologies. I blew his apology off and didn’t respond for many months. When I did, all I said was “Thanks.” I can be a jerk.
Fast forward some even more years later, we ended up working in the same agency. I know right? Only God does things like that. I was so nervous just walking to the restroom or the lounge. Looking around every corner! A mutual friend relayed his fears as well. He told her, he still thought I hated him. I was shocked and disappointed. Disappointed in myself, at this point I had begun to live obediently to Christ. My heart was absolutely over those past events. I had no hate or negativity in my heart for him. It was more of a lets just laugh at all of this silliness between us type of feeling. One day he did see me in the lounge and we chatted as adults do. It was fine.
Fast forward some months after that, to a Cinco de Mayo night at nightclub. It was his favorite style of Mexican music, music I only dance at Mexican weddings when a man insists I dance with him. Its imperative I roll my eyes first letting the man know I’m only going to dance to amuse him. Of course, we addressed our history. He said “I was just a boy,” — “I was just a girl.”
That story began 10 years ago. I learned a handful of lessons.
It’s a very good thing to let people know you don’t still hate them.
If someone legitimately apologizes, say more than “Thanks.”
Women sit in abortion clinics all the time, when technically they don’t really want to.
Sometime, sacrificing their comfort to appease some one else.
I’ve always had good friends that never judged me.
I’ve helped new friends by telling them this story.
Its made them understand I’ve definitely made stupid decisions.
I find it amusing just how God can teach you something through the conversations you have, the people you meet, the books you read and everything in between. I often see patterns where others don’t and can quickly correlate streaming information into one theme. Something that God has taught me and clearly highlighted for me recently, is that sex is a distraction. The Great Distraction. It runs interference through all areas of your life. Many don’t realize how focused they are on sex and how many of their decisions reflect its importance. Sex is often an imitator and distorter as well. I read The Wait
So I’ve been a hot mess trying to write about being a hot mess. I bought this mug over a month ago which quickly turned into me wanting it to be an inspiration for a blog post. I’ve started multiple times and dropped the pen each time. Many ideas have come but none of them withstanding. I’ve beaten myself up about it, pestered myself to get it done. My task oriented side competing with my artistic side. All the projects I’ve got to do.
Which brings us to my List.
7 Reasons I’m a Hot Mess (that Jesus loves)…
1. I’m halfway through many projects, tasks and ideas. The large mirror that’s been on my living room floor for probably a year? It’s supposed to hang above my couch but I don’t have the proper hardware. Like nails? Screws? Its large and heavy so I don’t want it crashing on me, cracking my head open one Wednesday evening. The two baby blankets I’ve been crocheting for my friend’s baby twins! I should have had those done months ago. The desk and dresser I no longer want. They are collecting dust and taking up space in my bedroom. Every weekend I declare to get rid of them. The DIY office-chest that’s just stuck on my Pinterest board. The few clothing items that need some mending. This list goes on and on.
2. Monday through Friday my alarm is set for 6am. I snooze until 6:30am which gives me 30 minutes to get ready for work. Breakfast? No time. Coffee? If I’m lucky. Prayer? No time. Devotions? No time. Picking out my clothes? Barely. Preparing a lunch? Nope. Every week I vow to get it together. Just get up the first time and I wont have to rush.
3. I get obsessed with certain meals. Right now its a taco salad from Taco Bell. Don’t judge me. I rarely go to Taco Bell because my 30 year old gut cant always take it. So it was a surprise when I was there to discover such treasure. I think I’ve had 3 in a week. There is also the carne asada burrito on Mondays from a nearby drive-thru taqueria . The frozen margherita pizza in yellow box from the grocery store. I love it with Valentina hot sauce.
4. The gas light adventures. Anyone else wait for the gas light to come on before getting gas? I let my first car run out of gas three times! It doesn’t matter whether I have the money or not I just hate taking time to put gas in my car. I even bought a new (2015) car in the fall and told myself with this car it would be different, but its not.
5. I go MIA. I leave my friends confused especially after consistently hanging out and showing up to events. After awhile I just step back. I’ve always been this way, it comes and goes. I get texts asking where I’ve been and if I’m doing well. I get the “Don’t be a stranger” accompanied with a hug. I feel bad but I’m just me so I also don’t understand why its a big deal.
6. And… there’s always my LianaProblems. These are usually financial or vehicle related, sometimes & definitely intertwined. The time my car was impounded in the middle of the night due to super expired plates, the multiple days it sat in the impound lot because I didn’t have money to get it out nor pay for the new tags. The time my tire shredded on the highway because I never put air in it, days later the flat tire on the way home as a result of driving over a pot hole. The notices I receive in the mail for an old credit card I have yet to pay off. The gym membership that was set to auto-pay but couldnt charge my card when it expired. I never even went one time to that gym, but I owe them payment for a few months. The budget I created on a Dave Ramsey site that I don’t follow and now also avoid logging in.
7. Lets get real here, “Dating.” I have unusual views of dating. I feel like an anomaly when it comes to this topic. Everyone seems okay with meeting strangers and spending time with them, sometimes alone. Really? I think its weird. Going on a date with someone is so odd to me. Especially if its someone you don’t know well at all. How do I know I want to be seen with you in public? How do I know I want to spend my time with you? How do I know that I want to share a meal with you? Spending my time and physical space with people is a big thing for me. I have to like you already, have to know your basic nature, have to be comfortable with you already. I have to have decided on my own (on my own time) that I genuinely like you and your presence. You cant convince me to like you or that I should “give you a chance to get to know” you. For me, the best way to get to know me is by a natural sequence of events. It must be very organic and not orchestrated. I know I’m complicated.
That’s me…and more. My list could be longer, but I want to keep this post as light to medium as I can. It could be darker because my list does get darker. My hot messness gets deeper because I’m not perfect. I’m messed up. I’m a wreck without Jesus. Okay, I’m still a wreck even with Him, but He holds me up.
In the last three years I’ve put down many things. I’ve given up, sacrificed, behaviors and beliefs. I’ve given up sex, flirting and “going out” to bars, clubs and drinking alcohol. I have had small amounts of alcohol few and far in between. I actively and intentionally choose not to drink even when I want to.
Sex and alcohol, by themselves, don’t seem like much. There are ideologies and a frame of mind that comes with them. The acts themselves plus all the thoughts, emotions and the string of other behaviors- are a package deal.
Leaving sex behind also means I’m leaving behind the following: flirting, seducing, lusting, manipulation, power, ego, obsessive behavior, envy, selfishness, pride etc.
Leaving alcohol behind also means I’m leaving behind the following: drunkenness, poor decision making, ego, power, wasted money, impulsiveness, drunk driving, drunk texting etc.
If you think you can be out having sex and drinking without all the baggage you’re wrong. If you take about 5 seconds to examine your behavior you’re going to have to acknowledge these leeches you welcome. You have to admit to the wounds you’re trying to patch up. Wounds like: insecurity, pain, trauma, rejection, inferiority, emptiness, stress, fear etc.
Any band-aids or glue we try to repair our own brokenness is a cheap, weak substitute for the Real Deal named Christ.
When you leave your “bad habits” you’re left with your real issues. Your holes feel like they’re gaping with the cold wind blowing through. When sex and alcohol (and whatever else you’ve been choosing or used to choose) are no longer options is when you’ll really start to grow. When you aren’t able to run to other things, you end up having to look yourself in the mirror. The broken mirror. You have to answer all the Whys. Why do I do this? Why do I feel like that? When you’re only option is Jesus, you’re setting yourself up for success.
You truly begin to mature. You no longer run to hide behind those vices. Even Adam tried to hide in the Garden, but God saw him and sees us. He sees your heart breaking and ego shattering. If you are ready to mature, you need to take your hot mess to the feet of the Cross. To Jesus’ feet. Lay all your cards on the table. Speak out loud that you cannot do it all yourself. You can’t fix yourself. A broken pot cannot repair its cracks, a tree cannot shine light on itself.
You’re a hot mess and so am I. It’s okay. Jesus loves your hot mess and He wants to make it less hot and less of a mess. Let Him.
Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11:29-30
Related Music: If We’re Honest- Francesca Battistelli https://youtu.be/ySa3Vu4FUW8
You are God- Sevin https://youtu.be/ehwJpVO4UGY
Blow My High- Sevin https://youtu.be/FIAMYOypb5A