Journaling

28 Days of Single

0001-53629160“Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.”

Saturday, February 28:

I love decorating my apartment and I found this gem at one of my favorite stores! I love mirrored things and have a couple pieces of mirrored furniture.
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Friday, February 27:

Found this movie at the Christian bookstore while I was getting the book for the small group/young adults group that I’m involved in.
image(I guess Gretchen Wieners was right, Brutus is just as cute as Caesar.) LOL!

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Thursday, February 26:

Another 7a-3p day, hard core nap too. Starting a new book tonight, branching out from the usual topics I read about.
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Wednesday, February 25:
This evening I contributed to a fundraiser for my sorority by eating at a particular restaurant. Here we are and some members of two fraternities.
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I also reconnected with an old friend as we ate together. We haven’t seen each other in about 5 years! Praise God for new beginnings!
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Tuesday, February 24:

Regular day at work.
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After work I killed some time with…. [guess what]…. a Snickerdoodle latte! I went to church for a leadership team meeting for our Young Adults group. We generated ideas for events like retreats, community service projects, and other fun things.
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Monday, February 23:

During the late afternoon, coworkers, youth and I participated in a walk for Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. We walked from our city courthouse to a coffee shop about a mile away. We carried signs, mine read – Love is Respect. My face and legs were freezing! It was for a great cause and organized by a youth that has been helped by our agency.
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Its frozen pizza Monday!
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Watching The Voice, waiting for a sneak peak of the series A.D.! Gona bake chocolate chip cookies in a bit! Happy Monday everyone!
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Sunday, February 22:
Children’s ministry and then regular service this morning! While I was waiting for yet another Snickerdoodle latte I saw the Life Church sign! I never saw it before and I don’t know how many times I have been in that drive-thru.

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Another day with the family. We went to see a funny family movie called The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.
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I blame the cold and cloudy weather for my lack of energy. Or perhaps not enough caffeine, or going to bed too late last night and waking up extra early. Either way, I can barely keep my eyes open. Just waiting for Downton Abbey to get over and maybe I’ll go to bed early.
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Saturday, February 21:

I’m about to start the process for a possible blog post or multiple posts. I’m using the article, 50 Ways to be a Woman by Caitlin Leggett. I’ll be jotting down notes or anything that comes to mind in this pretty journal that a cousin gave me because of the peacock theme in my living room.
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A little Mean Girls on just to keep the creative juices flowing.
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Ate dinner with my family earlier. This fella is my favorite person.
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Friday, February 20:

Watching This Means War and pretending I’m Reese Witherspoon minus Chris Pine. It’s just me and my babe Tom Hardy.
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Thursday, February 19:

Today I worked my other job, another 7a-3p day. There was an unexpected meeting between current employees and some newer leadership that will work together to revitalize our program.  I allowed my business side to come out, I can be very bold when I need to be.

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Some people submit to leadership that doesn’t exist just because it’s perceived. I can see bull crap a mile away. I’ve never needed a title, when I speak others listen and that’s all that matters.

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Wednesday, February 18:

I struggled a bit today, as I continue to trust God regarding my finances. However, just when I had given up, I got a phone call from my dad. He said he had some money for me. It’s not a lot but it will be enough to get me through the next week. I attended the last night of the revival at my church. It was truly special. It was the kind of time where you know nothing will ever be the same after such a moment. Allen Griffin is “so *Annointed.” Lol but he really opened us up to more of what God has for us.

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Tuesday, February 17:

Today I ate at one of my favorite restaurants, Noodles & Co. with a friend. I always order Penne Rosa. It’s my favorite. I swung by and grabbed another Snickerdoodle latte before church. I think I’m addicted. Tonight’s service was amazing and reminded me of the Onething Conference in Kansas City! Most importantly Jesus is saying YES to my dream! Stopped at the store before coming home and found this! Every voluptuous Latina’s dream! image _______________________________________

Monday, February 16:

Dying my hair. My preferred shade is Soft Black. Gota get rid of all these gray hairs! Not really though, there’s like two. I’m not lyin! image __________________________________________

Sunday, February 15:

Today was one of the two church services that I volunteer in the children’s ministry service. Actual service was great as it was a guest speaker. He will be preaching until Wednesday as part of an awakening revival. I got a very late Christmas present from my mom, lol. image (an ornament with Bible verses and charms inside and a gift card to my favorite coffee spot) My family and I ate out at a restaurant and I thoroughly enjoyed sweet potato fries with my burger . My dad decided to buy my nephew a Captain America shield at a store we went to. My nephew grabbed my hand and led me through the store whispering as if we were on an adventure! It was so funny!

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Saturday, February 14:

Today is Valentines Day and will be a great one. I devoured a quaint breakfast a Smart One egg scramble thingy, while wheat toast, coconut flavored coffee, and Trop50 orange juice (which is real good). I’m watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman waiting for my favorite scene; when Orlando proposes to Helen. “I know you don’t believe in fairy tales. But if you did…I’d want to be your knight in shining armor. You’ve been through so much. I don’t want to see you hurt anymore. Now, i may not be able to give you all that you’re used to. But i do know i can love you past your pain. I don’t want you to worry about anything. You just wake up in the morning. That’s all you have to do, and I’ll take it from there. There’s one condition. You have to be my wife.” Later, I had another Snickerdoodle latte with my Little of my sorority. After that I met up with friends for a girls’ night. We had a great time! image image

Radiating Joy!

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Friday, February 13:

I’ve been so tired all day because I haven’t had any coffee all day. However, it was a productive day. Paid my bills today: tithe, phone and utilities! Made valentine’s for some teens at my local library on behalf of the program I run. image Prepared a Valentine’s present for tomorrow’s evening with friends. Can’t post any pictures of it because its a white elephant gift exchange.

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Thursday, February 12:

Another home work-out, but 10s are so heavy though! image __________________________________________

Wednesday, February 11:

Had a job interview for a wonderful job at a wonderful agency. I did a presentation/training for another agency for the program I run. And just to keep it real, I’ll leave you with this gem. image _________________________________________

Tuesday, February 10:

I went to bed early last night, a little after 10pm. I slept so well. I am feeling a whole lot better. Working my other job 7a-3p. Found a pretty mug at work for coffee. image Today was a home-workout day (the first in a Super long time). The last time I did any of these videos I still lived at home with my parents! image __________________________________________

Monday, February 9:

Today I was sick and stayed home from work. I had zero energy and could barely eat. All I could do was lay around and try to be awake. Painting my nails was the high point of today. image image __________________________________________

Sunday, February 8:

Here is a poem I wrote recently.

A Single Girl’s Prayer
Thank you for not letting me keep the guys I asked you for. The first, the last, and the ones in between. All I loved or thought I loved.

Thank you for saving me from more trouble. Thank you for loving me enough to sever ties from those guys, no matter how dramatic, because sometimes that’s all I can understand. Thank you for ruining my relationships.

Thank you for teaching me not to wait to have fun. To enjoy these times that are fleeting. Thank you for protecting my heart. Thank you for being my heavenly Father that says, Don’t mess with my daughter.

Thank you for sending me guys that didn’t love me enough or at all- to remind me of who You are and you don’t want anything between us. Thank you for being my friend and sharing your wisdom with me. Thank you for telling me “go and sin no more.”

Thank you for giving me time to get to know myself as your daughter. Thank you for time to get to know my other brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you for allowing my collection of stories to be a testimony- one that glorifies you. Most of all thank you for loving me enough to keep me to yourself a little longer… image _____________________________________________________

Saturday, February 7:

I’m beyond tired. I was so busy and didn’t have much time to myself. I started my at Panera discussing the Misty Edwards book I told you about before. A friend of mine and I meet every other Saturday morning to talk about what we read. We end up talking for hours about the book and all kinds of other stuff. I left there to meet my family for a dinner I was not expecting. From there i left to meet up for a work social at an upscale bowling alley for another dinner. It seemed like a really cool place but the service was horrible. I left there to attend a meeting at church for those of that serve in some way (I serve in the children’s ministry twice a month). After that I still had to run to the store for a few items. This was a little too much for me, no down time, no time to recharge. I. am. drained. image image __________________________________________

Friday, February 6:

Upcycling! Get’n wax out of used store bought candles. image

And listening to my girl Mariah. image

Me and Bestie LOL! image

After… image __________________________________________

Thursday, February 5:

Worked my other job 7a-3p, on 5 hours of sleep. Now it’s time to party. image _________________________________________

Wednesday February 4:

NASHVILLE! Team Deacon! image

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Couldn’t forget to drop rent off….. at the last minute! image

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Tuesday, February 3:

Today I made some fun valentine’s that I will attach to individual kool-aid packs for teens at my local library (on behalf of the program I run. image I had an amazing Snickerdoodle latte at Scooters with a friend on our way to the young adults group at our church. It was great preaching and fun conversation with friends!

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Monday, February 2:

It is a bookworm night. I’m reading two books and getting caught up tonight. image I read 40+ pages at a time of this one, it’s that good. I highly recommend this, especially if you think you are a Feminist. image Book two is What’s the Point by Misty Edwards. In the words of Misty, You have to know that you know that you know. __________________________________________

Sunday, February 1:

Today was a snowy day and even church was cancelled! image It put me in a bit of a funk. I took some time to get my attitude in check. I read a devotional for today and listened to my 2015 anthem multiple times.image

Sundays are designated family days so I’ve been with my parents, sister and nephew for hours now. I’m catching up on a episode of Downton Abbey that I missed, patiently waiting the new episode at 8pm. I wait all week to see the Grantham family. imageThey’re always after Mr.Bates! and Edith is a hot mess!

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Gender Issues, Men

a Nice Guy…

https://recoveringfeminist.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/850a9-lawlesstomhardy.jpg

“Well aren’t there any guys at your church?”

Asked by many a non-churchy friend. Yes,  I am 29 years old. Yes, my last relationship was two years ago.  Yes,  I “go to church.” And, yes there are guys there too.

There are three points I want to make clear with this post on this topic.

1. My faith is not a recreational activity.

2. Church is not Christian Mingle in real life.

3. I’m not looking for a Nice Guy.

When you ask me the innocent and dreaded question, you are implying all of the above. There are some men and women that I know that take their health extremely serious. They are in the gym everyday at 5am and/or every evening. They set goals for themselves and achieve them. They are constantly working to improve the function, strength and stamina of their bodies. Continuously pushing their limits. They eat clean, and prep their meals in advance for the upcoming week. Whereas I continuously skip meals, coffee is often my breakfast and lunch. I enjoy a frozen pizza and cold high-fructose corn syrup in a can. When I see a lovely donut, they see garbage. They ingest more protein in a day then I can in a week. They are usually well versed in food education and often are sought after for fitness advice from everyone. Some have chosen to not put poison into their body like drugs and alcohol. They are passionate and excited about their lifestyle and life system. They make jokes like “Does he even lift?” “Do you even squat?” *Insert laughter now* Calling each other BEASTS. They are Beasts for whatever joy they experience directly associated with their daily choices and progress. For these people, working out and “going to the gym” is not recreation. It is their way of life. They wake up and live and breath that stuff.

And so, please think of me as one of these people. But instead of the gym, I’m in a church multiple days a week. I set goals for myself and have achieved them. I continue to push myself spiritually and in my obedience to God. I prep my choices and attitude in advance by praying and engaging in like-minded conversations with others. Instead of being well versed in food, calories, protein, and vitamins, I’m working to be well versed in Scripture and all materials related to Christian reading. I try to ingest what is holy. When I see sexually explicit images (which are practically everywhere), I see garbage. I have chosen to not put poison into my body like drugs and alcohol. I am passionate and excited about my lifestyle and life system. I make jokes like “God sure has blessed him!” “I need a spiritual leader in my household!” “I’ll be his Proverbs 31 Woman!” *Insert laughter now* Now, I’m not sure I want to label myself a BEAST for Jesus but you can connect the dots. My commitments and priorities now outweigh those of the past. I am not who I used to be. Just as some of those people are no longer overweight or scrawny, but physical powerhouses. I’m striving to a spiritual powerhouse. So please understand if you haven’t heard from me in awhile or if I haven’t participated in extra curricular activities with you, I am in a different arena now. I’m living life in a grander stadium now. I’m not in the game to just find a male companion to have sex with, play house with, or to validate my beauty and value as a woman.

I am a sinner. All of us are. Even the “guys at church.” Knowing where I have been, I completely understand where some of the young men at my church could have been. Some cliche Facebook stalking has revealed the past of some of my male counterparts. They used to party like me. Some pictures reveal the same bars or clubs I used to frequent. We could have been in the same bar at the same time six or seven years ago. I’m sure they have slept with many women. I’m sure they struggle with sexual purity and a pure thought life like I do. I’m sure they contributed to disrespecting women by using them like I have used men. I’m sure they are still figuring out who they are in this newer life. Church is not our new bar scene. Its where we come together to practice being the Man or Woman God has planned for us to be. We begin to desire healthy relationships, boundaries, and Marriages arranged by God. We begin to see a relationship without God is doomed because we are too imperfect to make one last ourselves. Our desires for the Marriages and Families we never had are so strong we honestly put our fleshy desires on the back burner. We struggle with our exes, past flings, and attractive un-Believers popping up anywhere and everywhere, distracting us and even contributing to us falling back into our old ways at times. We are not perfect. Because we get out of bed on Sunday mornings and head to the same place does not mean we are emotionally and spiritually able to manage and tend to the responsibility of loving another person. If you think church is comprised of “just nice guys” you are naive.

The men that attend church can be adulterers, fornicators, liars, cheaters, manipulators, mama’s boys, lazy, selfish, controlling, abusive, ego-maniacs, shy, timid, quiet, fun, respectful, aloof, wealthy, musicians, entrepreneurs, sensitive, loyal, fast food workers, teachers, I could go on and on. They are some of the same men you have met before but you didn’t know they were “Christian” because they didn’t tell you or they didn’t live it. I am 18 pages in to Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. I was destined to read this book because on page 12, he writes about Legends of the Fall (1994). *Side note: This is the year I fell in love with Brad Pitt* The author describes the movie and the three main characters briefly. He describes the more popular character of Tristan played by Brad. Tristan is the wild man, long hair-dont care. He spends long periods of time out of the house, independent of his family. Each time he returns to the ranch it is almost unexpected. He’s not afraid to get his hands dirty, he welcomes adventure and challenge. Hes tough and bold. He allows his wildness to only be tamed towards the end of the movie, this short lived though. In comparison to his older and younger brother, he steals the spotlight. Older brother Alfred, is responsible, sensible. He becomes a business man and later a politician. Younger brother Samuel, is boyish and college educated school boy. He dies in battle during World War II predictably unprepared for the grit involved. John Eldredge points out in his book, “I have yet to meet a man who wants to be Alfred or Samuel. I’ve yet to meet a woman who wants to marry one.” Please don’t take this the wrong way that politicians and school boys are not attractive to women. However, there is something about Tristan the wild one, the one untamed. Untamed by Feminism. Another character I fell in love with is Forrest Bondurant epically played by Tom Hardy from the movie Lawless (2012). Forrest is a bootlegger during Prohibition. He is a living legend during his day. He is myth and intimidates many. The other local bootleggers follow his lead. He goes to battle for his brothers and the beauty of the movie. He is tough and says, “I’m a Bondurant, and we dont back down from nobody.” Maybe I have a thing for outlaws. The inner most feminine parts of me are attracted to these men because they are untamed. They are bold, courageous, they are not “yes men.” They lead, lead at work, lead at home, lead in the community, and some coach little league. They don’t run and hide when things get dangerous. They speak with authority and aren’t afraid to put others in their place when needed. When they walk into the room you can know everything will be alright. These men may have long hair or short hair. He may be tall or not really. He may have arms of tattoos or wear a button up shirt. These men may have biceps on their biceps, or not so much. But these are the qualities I prefer in a man. I’m not looking for a smiling “whatever you want babe” kinda guy. I want to be overwhelmed by his masculine energy. A man that is tender when the time is right and ready to fight for me, God, family, the community when the time calls. Besides the only time you really seek out a Nice Guy is when the bane of your existence crushes your soul. You limp away from the horror and say “I need to find a nice guy” aka the safe guy. A guy that will remain in the friend zone with you while you recover and go out to find yourself another man to rip out your heart again. I don’t want a male BFF to paint my nails with. I want a man that will go to battle for me and take me on a great adventure.

*Dont drag this out and take away that women [or me] are attracted to criminals, bootleggers, or crazies! There are qualities that those characters embody that make them sought after.

More: Another non-Nice guy character I love is Frank Chambers played by Josh Brolin from the movie Labor Day. He is an escaped convict that commandeers a woman and her son over a Labor Day weekend. Over the weekend, he provides a tenderness, wildness, and brings an unmatched soulful masculinity to this desolate woman. I am captivated by their relationship and now long to make a peach pie with a man. Don’t judge me. Frank begins to complete chores around the house, he cooks, and fixes the broken things. He cares for the woman by making a difficult life easier for her. He teaches her son how to properly throw and catch a baseball. Though his future is uncertain, he provides a soft and safe place for her feminine heart to rest. For that is he brave. He begins a love and life with the risk of losing it just as quick as it started. He loves and delights in all the things her ex-husband threw to the curb. This character is a great balance of masculinity. Tender, protective, brave, wild, dangerous.
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Related reading:

http://www.faithit.com/10-things-christianity-is-not/

http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/04/07/jesus-didnt-care-about-being-nice-or-tolerant-and-neither-should-you/
http://theprayingwoman.com/2014/11/06/christian-dating-7-signs-theyre-not-willing-to-commit/
http://www.liesyoungwomenbelieve.com/im-looking-just-husband/#disqus_threadhttp://www.relevantmagazine.com/god/church/it-meets-my-needs-and-other-bad-reasons-choosing-church

http://www.girldefined.com/call-manhood-part-1

 

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