Journaling, sex, Transformation

A Lonely Girl’s Cry

I’ve been pursuing deeper things with the Lord lately and examining the issue of soul ties. Soul ties are the bonds we make with others. They can be healthy or toxic, Kingdom building or Kingdom breaking, holy or unholy.

Recently I looked through a workbook from a transformative conference my church calls, All Access. In the conference we cover the deeper topics of Identity, Generational Inequity, Father & Mother Wounds, Inner Vows, Soul Ties and more. I’ve participated a few times in the past couple of years. Each time new issues in my heart and mind are brought to light. Soul ties are always on the forefront of my quest. I have on multiple occassions prayed prayers breaking soul ties to people of my past, specifically sexual in nature. Honestly, each time I do I haven’t felt much happening after that. I’ve prayed but the pull in my soul still persists.

During one of the sessions at All Access, a deep intricate thought came to me but I didnt jot it down in my notes. I assumed it was such an epiphany that I’d remember later…but…I didn’t remember! Grrr! About a week later I reviewed my notes and tried desperately to remember that great thought. I searched the internet for more information on soul ties and watched a teaching video from Jennifer LeClaire. The link to the video is at the bottom of this post.

Everything I read included the steps to breaking soul ties. One of the steps was always to get rid of mementos or gifts, anything that could link you back to the soul tie. I kept thinking I don’t have any objects at all, nothing. I have gotten rid of things like that. But the Holy Spirit reminded me I had journals in boxes in my closet. He told me to get rid of them. Its true, I had journals and journals of documentation of the past, exploits with men and all kinds of unrighteous and spiritually dead themes.

Amongst these journals I had been holding onto a photograph of myself and my “first love” from 2002. He was my first sexual partner and yes first love. He died in 2011 of alcohol poisoning. Sad & Alone. We hadn’t been a couple since 2004. There were some brief sexual encounters years later. I hesitated putting the picture in the throw away box. It was the last item that would link us together.

There were many more stories I threw away in between all those pages.

Included was a play by play of the unrequited love that defined my life. Someone I wanted to be with since I first slept with him. Talk about a Stage 5 clinger! He NEVER wanted me more than to sleep with and I wanted it all from him. To this day I’ve still wanted him. This person has always been the object of my soul tie prayers. I’ve *always* been conflicted about it.

At All Access, our Pastor’s wife (oversees all counseling needs at our church) said something about being Bonded to Loneliness. Those pages were filled with a lonely girl’s cry, confusion, rejection, insecurity etc. Thats been the theme of my heart for decades, and I’m only 32! On that day, March 12th, I threw away all the old scripts and memories. I know I have to cling to the New Life Jesus gave me.

Did magic happen on that day? No. God is not a magician. I’m unaware of what all took place in the spirit realm when I followed through with the Holy Spirit’s directive to throw away those journals. I’m unaware of all the unholy doors that were slammed and bolted shut that day. Im unaware of what Heaven is is now able to do on my behalf because of my obedience. I dont know everything but I know it was a move I had to make to get closer to Jesus and the Father.

Related Videos:

Related Reading:

https://www.charismamag.com/spirit/spiritual-warfare/25853-7-signs-of-an-unhealthy-soul-tie

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Quick Read

Is it Official?

We’re just talking

He’s not my boyfriend

We’re not in a relationship

I see her from time to time

We don’t have a title

We just hang out sometimes

Why put a label on it?

……….

I’ve heard these phrases way too often in the recent years. It’s normal for many people to describe their situationship using those phrases. The meaning of each phrase is also thoroughly understood, for the most part. Everyone seems to desire a relationship but at the same time they want their way out. They want the benefits of a relationship but none of the commitment. Is the truth in these phrases? They are spoken with casualty but not so much with confidence. When it comes to someone you like, why would you want to describe the relation with such phrases? Wouldn’t we rather say affirmatively,

He loves me. We are together. I like her. That’s my man. This is my girlfriend.

Instead we lay down on our backbone and act like there’s nothing we can do. We’re too cool to want official titles but too scared to expect them. We would rather share our bodies, swap bodily fluids than exchange our feelings and share our true intentions. How sad. We would rather stay in limbo than walk confidently in any direction. We would rather be in a lukewarm semi-non-relationship than a cold hard single. We compromise our hearts to see someone sometimes than never see them at all. Just getting a text back becomes the definition of success.

There’s no judgement coming from me of course. Did you read my post The Purge? Go back and read it. I regrettably had stayed in limbo for way too long. Committing my heart to someone that wouldn’t even commit to a full evening or full day with me. Assigning a place in my heart for someone that once said, “I don’t want a relationship with anyone, not just you.”

Or when I said “You just want me for a hookup.”

“I like you more than a hookup….- but why cant it be like it is?”

I ended up secretly in tears in his bed just a few hours later. That was about five years ago and those words were burned into my heart. I had taken my Question (Warrior and the Beauty, go back and read that one too) to a guy and the answer was a very big NO. NO you’re not worth it. NO you’re not worth my commitment. NO you’re not Enough (fill in the blank) for me to want you. There’s only one thing I want you for.

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That was most definitely not the last time I received the same kind of message from him.

I have no easy step by step solution to these types of problems.

All I came to say was that Jesus made it Official with you 2000 years ago. He is not afraid of commitment. He isn’t waiting for someone better to come around. A wise man wrote a book telling women that a man shows commitment by Professing, Protecting and Providing for a woman. If you are important, a man will give you a title. He will introduce you to others by the title as way to profess who you really are to him. As a way to put other men on notice that he has claimed you. Don’t come over here bruh ’cause this one is mine. Don’t disregard this as a man – woman issue. God is constantly professing who we are to Him.

I found a wonderful list of 20 Things God Says About You. Let us focus on the labels and titles He has given you.

*I am a child of God. John 1:12
We don’t need to call Maury to be given our Father in Heaven’s last name. Adoption papers don’t need to be signed. He never flaked out on child support. He even allowed this model to be lived out by Joseph and Mary’s relationship. Joseph could have denied that Jesus was his son because he had never slept with Mary. He could have told everyone that the child is not his. But that is not how the story goes. We were given the title of God’s child.

*I am a friend with God. John 15:15
Jesus calls us his friends! He doesn’t say “Um, I know of him, but I don’t know him” or “who? I don’t know even know her.” He give us the title of Friend.

*I am an heir with Christ. Romans 8:17
As children of God, we are also heirs to his Kingdom. We will get to live his mansion, and have what He has. He give us the title of Heir.

*I am a member of Christ’s body and a partaker of His promise. Ephesians 3:6
There’s no good ol’ boys club that we cant get into. No monthly membership fees we cant afford. We were given the title of Member. We belong with Him. We are not on the outside looking in, we are in.

*I am a citizen of Heaven. Philippians 3:20
We are meant to reside in Heaven, our living arrangement on earth is temporary. We didn’t sign a lease, we just live here month to month. We eagerly await our Savior to take us back home. He gave us the title of Citizen.

My point is that God wants us badly. He thinks about us. About YOU. About me. The way I lay awake at night and stare at my ceiling (perhaps thinking of some guy), God is there thinking of You. Just You. He wants to talk to You. He wants You to be the one talking to him. He’s waiting for our text, for our phone call, for a note in the mail. He excited about you. He sees the tiniest changes you’re making and is clapping his hands. He’s in the bleachers at the big game and rooting for you. He’s the coach on the sidelines cheering you on. He’s wanting to move through you so you win. God never hesitated to love you. He’s not with you just until something better comes along. He’s not ignoring your texts. He doesn’t watch your incoming call and just let it go to voicemail. He’s not trying to avoid your social media messages. He’s not hiding you from his timeline. He’s not untagging himself from your posts and pictures. He doesn’t see you in a crowd and hope that you don’t see him. He’s not pretending you don’t exist. He doesn’t just see you when its convenient for him. He calls you Son, Daughter, Friend. He calls you HIS. He makes no mistakes. He intentionally chooses us over and over and over again.

Don’t get caught up in the culture of today. God already professed his titles for you.
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Related Reading:
http://www.bigisthenewsmall.com/2012/06/27/20-things-god-says-about-you/

Related: Doing it Wrong by Drake     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYy0zcs-OSU

“We are half-hearted creatures…”

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