I’m in love with this song. It takes me back to a time when I thought it didn’t have to be different. I thought I could be the same. Like a guy. Go ahead and cue “If I Were a Boy.”
It didn’t have to be serious, it could be just for fun, games, cheap thrills. Until…
Until it wasn’t any of those things. Until, I was hooked on someone like an iv-drip. Seeping into my heart, a thick viscosity filling up every blood vessel. But I never meant much (if anything at all) to him.
I remember the moments after a twilight tryst. Hours earlier he said, “I do like you more than a hookup.” I was ecstatic despite knowing how pathetic it was. So laying next to him, resting my head on his shoulder, my hand on his chest- “Did you really mean that?”
“Mean what?”
“What you said earlier.”
“Yeah but I don’t want to be with anyone- not just you- with anyone.”
I felt my ego running for cover. My eyes got super warm with tears, but I wouldn’t blink. I swallowed the broken pieces.
I rode with him to his house. I didn’t have my car. I couldn’t jump up to leave. I had to call my best friend to come and pick me up. I got dressed. She called to say she was outside. I went to the door and struggled like every crying girl in a movie. He opened the door into the sunlight.
I have about 6 years’ worth of these spineless, foolish moments. In none of them was I the woman that I wanted to be. Scared to speak my feelings. Feelings were for private not to be given away confidently. I hid behind mascara, hoop earrings, lip gloss and sometimes Patron & lime juice.
In front of everyone I was bold, confident, fun, a “blast in a glass.” In front of him I was sand through his fingers. I wanted him to give me form.
Fast forward. I know my limits. I can’t give that part of myself away without my heart being fully present. I haven’t since 2013, when he kissed me goodbye at my apartment door.
I had to stop. Just stop. I could not keep running closer. It was wreaking havoc on my heart. I had to honor myself. I have to make known my heart, not shut it out. I cannot pretend I’m okay when I’m not. Seeing you “from time to time” turned out to be excruciating. I tried to be cool, but the bits and pieces you gave me were never enough.
I was selling out.
its Different now –
I let Jesus love me.
april 13,2009 12:48am
if i were a boy
i’d lay down lines of lies
i wouldnt stick around
long enough to see her tears
when i’d see her out
i wouldnt speak to her
then i’d call her at 6 in the morning
cuz i’d be on my way home &
wouldnt feel like sleepn alone
when she woke up to put
her clothes on i wouldnt
kiss her goodbye
i’d just open the door
& let her go
i would go to work and not
even think of her, kick it
w/ the guys cuz they’re
better than her
talk to girls that i didnt
wish were her,
i’d let time & time go by
cuz i dont need her,
try my scheme again
if i were a boy
i’d tell her anything
to hit it
i would say i do
want u
when she confronted me
i’d tell her since her
wall was up nevermind
i would pretend cuz
im just a boy
& i dont understand
Confessions of a Recovering Feminist 