Journaling, Quick Read, Transformation

Creatures

“God take these chains off of me, take the chains off of my heart off my body off my brain. Take these chains Take these chains off of me. God take these chains. These chains of consequences.

he raped my heart now I’m dealing with the consequences of low self-esteem no confidence. I gave him full reign on my body & mind. It’s all over now, it’s gotta be over. Cuz there’s no other way.”                                                                                               July 7, 2010

 

I wrote that in a journal I found in a box in my closet, literally and figuratively. A box inside my closeted soul. I wrote in the Purge how there was a time in my life where I teetered the line of crazy. That post was centered on a particular individual and the merry-go-round I rode with him.

This post however, I want to focus on myself.

I sat on the floor in my room reading these excruciating types of entries, recalling the events or being shocked at events I never remembered. Texting him in the middle of the night “delete my number and forget about me” and “tell me to stop talking to you.” Most going unanswered, unacknowledged driving me even madder. Never in a million years would I have ever admitted to being that crazy girl. In fact, I had like most people remembered the past as I chose to. Glossing over my own poor behavior and over emphasizing the poor behavior in the other person. After a text was ignored I wrote how I cried “all night” or “until I feel asleep.” This scenario saturated my journal.

I began to cry myself. Six years later, I am 31 years old and so far removed from the person I once was. My heart broke for the young me. Someone so lost. Lost in someone else. Lost in reality. I cried and apologized to God for not knowing Him then. I know YOU now though. You came for me, you never stopped coming for me. I felt shaken to my core.

I never truly saw the cage I was in until the other night reading page of page of utter nonsense. Pages of illogical and immature behavior. I was caged up in insecurity and rejection. An embalmed cycle.

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I told God later, I forgive him [the guy] even though I already have. Just in case there is something still there and I don’t know it. I release him. I forgive myself.

As I continued to process my thoughts and raw emotions, I believe God told me that it was not him [the guy] – it was not flesh and blood but principalities at work.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”    Ephesians 6:12

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only LIGHT drives out darkness. I was in some of the darkest rooms stumbling around, trying to find my way, getting bumped and bruised. The enemy liked me in the dark. Falling down and grasping, hurting myself. My sense of self hanging on the whims of another person [the idea of the other person]. Clouds and storms of dysfunction in between us. Looking back, I now believe there was only a small fraction of our real selves that were present with one another. We came to the surface sporadically only to retreat in fear moments later. What a sad way to live your life.

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The old me died a while ago, specifically on May 31, 2015 when I was baptized. I am a NEW creature and NEW thing in Christ.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”   2 Corinthians 5:17

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”     Isaiah 43:19

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.”      Romans 6:4

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—“     Romans 6:6

“Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”     Romans 6:12-14

new_creature_in_christ_by_marlacalandradesigns-d3hnpdz.jpgRelated Music: 

Once and For All- Lauren Daigle


 

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Journaling, Uncategorized, Women

My Life is Not a Telenovela

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My life is not a telenovela and yours shouldn’t be either. I got tired of telling my friends stories of this guy and that guy. I also got tired of hearing their stories about this guy and that guy.

Did I tell you about X?

Did I tell you what happened?

Did I tell you what he text me?

Did I tell you what he did?

Did I tell you what he said?

Re-hashing whatever happened two weeks ago, bringing me up to date on what happened last week, and telling me what happened this week.

So he text me this.

I texted back that.

Then he said this.

So I said that.

Showing my friend text after text or just handing over my phone to let them read the entire thread themselves. Watching their face in anticipation.

Over analyzing every text, word, move from the flavor of the month guy.

So he text me at 8:52pm. So I saw it but didn’t reply until 9: 26pm. Then he said that. So I texted back and said that.

Over and over the same story lines, the same play by play rhetoric.

Still single.

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After reading Don’t Let Your Journal Turn Into a Soap Opera Drama from Girl Defined, I decided to look through old journals and find good examples of my stories. Though I have numerous journals through the past 10 years, 2008 was filled with drama and endless details of it. In 2008, I was 22 years old and had quit my job at a restaurant. I had been on a “break” from school and just spent my time going to parties and bars. Hopefully some of that explains a percentage of the drama. Remember my post, 21 Before 21? Yeah, I didn’t know any of those things yet! The following entries centered around three fellas over a two month time frame. I blacked out names of all involved to protect their identities.

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I had one thing right, “I’m crazy.” Shake your head because I’m shaking mine too. I actually blew up someone’s one phone at 3 am. I don’t remember that. I was “so mad cuz he didn’t try 2 come over” ???

I read these pages and more- shocked. I cannot believe I used to be that girl. I remember a lot of stories but apparently I don’t have enough storage space in my brain for al the other stories. I must be remembering the main headlines, the highlights, the bloopers. Pages and pages of who’s and when’s, the tiniest details of anything that happened. He didn’t call back. He didn’t respond to my text. He didn’t go to the party or that bar. Sad to say these stories did die down but just continued at a slower rate up until 2-3 years ago. Maybe you’ll think its lame but I can’t remember the last time I had a story to tell.

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These years have been the most peaceful years. I’m not worried or stressed about some guy, what hes doing or not doing. I’ve got no time to become a detective or private investigator. Investigating, scouring the internet to “figure” him out. I can no longer analyze a picture posted on social media and decipher text messages. I can no longer decode a guy’s behavior to “figure out” how he feels about me. We’re definitely not called to be play special investigator even though we make great ones!

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God wants our eyes on him. If we are playing detective on some guy, then our eyes are not on God. If you consider yourself a Christian girl or woman, you should not be obsessed [and don’t use your own judgement to discern if you are obsessed or not]. You’re just going to rationalize every move you make. Talk to a mature friend and ask her if you’re a bit obsessed, even just a little. God deserves our full attention and a full-time relationship. I don’t judge you, I struggle with this myself. But we have to stretch our understanding of relationship and love. It’s not just a Nicholas Sparks novel. Whether its God or a guy.

Here is 20 Important Bible Scriptures About Priorities-http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/20-important-bible-scriptures-about-priorities/

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When it comes to relationships and love I have a new set of standards and guidelines, Proverbs 18:22 is verse that I firmly hold onto.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

He who finds a wife….  I don’t need to be out searching my city for a man. I definitely need to be prepared to be found!

not She who figures out a man will get to marry him,

not She who finds a husband.

He who finds a wife… I need to be asking God to prepare me to be wife.

not he who finds some chick,

not he who finds some girl that figured him out, that solved his inner mysteries.

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Instead of filling our journals with endless and mindless details of who’s and when’s, let us allow God inside those pages. God is thee author of all things. He created us and knows who and what we need in our lives. He is not the author of confusion! If we have to spend hours deciphering the hieroglyphics of texts messages, online messages and overall messages that are being communicated by a guy- most likely God is not involved in that situation. When you leave God out of your relationships, you also leave out his protection and provisions. When you act as if you can figure it all out with God and continue towards unstable relationships, you will not have the appropriate foundation that will be a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship. Sure you may have a relationship, but it won’t be from God’s design or have  his co-sign and it will not be blessed. You’re out on your own, leaning on your own understanding. We are told to lean NOT on our own understanding in Proverbs 3:5.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Trust in the Lord…

definition: one having power and authority over others. Welcome His authority over your life and know that you won’t have to strain and strive so hard for the right guy.

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Related Reading:: http://www.girldefined.com/journal-turn-soap-opera-drama

Related Music:  Write Your Story by Francesca Battistelli – https://youtu.be/ecV1NHmELuA

P.S. Don’t be this girl!

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Journaling

28 Days of Single

0001-53629160“Until you get comfortable with being alone, you’ll never know if you’re choosing someone out of love or loneliness.”

Saturday, February 28:

I love decorating my apartment and I found this gem at one of my favorite stores! I love mirrored things and have a couple pieces of mirrored furniture.
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Friday, February 27:

Found this movie at the Christian bookstore while I was getting the book for the small group/young adults group that I’m involved in.
image(I guess Gretchen Wieners was right, Brutus is just as cute as Caesar.) LOL!

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Thursday, February 26:

Another 7a-3p day, hard core nap too. Starting a new book tonight, branching out from the usual topics I read about.
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Wednesday, February 25:
This evening I contributed to a fundraiser for my sorority by eating at a particular restaurant. Here we are and some members of two fraternities.
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I also reconnected with an old friend as we ate together. We haven’t seen each other in about 5 years! Praise God for new beginnings!
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Tuesday, February 24:

Regular day at work.
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After work I killed some time with…. [guess what]…. a Snickerdoodle latte! I went to church for a leadership team meeting for our Young Adults group. We generated ideas for events like retreats, community service projects, and other fun things.
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Monday, February 23:

During the late afternoon, coworkers, youth and I participated in a walk for Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. We walked from our city courthouse to a coffee shop about a mile away. We carried signs, mine read – Love is Respect. My face and legs were freezing! It was for a great cause and organized by a youth that has been helped by our agency.
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Its frozen pizza Monday!
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Watching The Voice, waiting for a sneak peak of the series A.D.! Gona bake chocolate chip cookies in a bit! Happy Monday everyone!
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Sunday, February 22:
Children’s ministry and then regular service this morning! While I was waiting for yet another Snickerdoodle latte I saw the Life Church sign! I never saw it before and I don’t know how many times I have been in that drive-thru.

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Another day with the family. We went to see a funny family movie called The Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.
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I blame the cold and cloudy weather for my lack of energy. Or perhaps not enough caffeine, or going to bed too late last night and waking up extra early. Either way, I can barely keep my eyes open. Just waiting for Downton Abbey to get over and maybe I’ll go to bed early.
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Saturday, February 21:

I’m about to start the process for a possible blog post or multiple posts. I’m using the article, 50 Ways to be a Woman by Caitlin Leggett. I’ll be jotting down notes or anything that comes to mind in this pretty journal that a cousin gave me because of the peacock theme in my living room.
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A little Mean Girls on just to keep the creative juices flowing.
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Ate dinner with my family earlier. This fella is my favorite person.
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Friday, February 20:

Watching This Means War and pretending I’m Reese Witherspoon minus Chris Pine. It’s just me and my babe Tom Hardy.
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Thursday, February 19:

Today I worked my other job, another 7a-3p day. There was an unexpected meeting between current employees and some newer leadership that will work together to revitalize our program.  I allowed my business side to come out, I can be very bold when I need to be.

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Some people submit to leadership that doesn’t exist just because it’s perceived. I can see bull crap a mile away. I’ve never needed a title, when I speak others listen and that’s all that matters.

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Wednesday, February 18:

I struggled a bit today, as I continue to trust God regarding my finances. However, just when I had given up, I got a phone call from my dad. He said he had some money for me. It’s not a lot but it will be enough to get me through the next week. I attended the last night of the revival at my church. It was truly special. It was the kind of time where you know nothing will ever be the same after such a moment. Allen Griffin is “so *Annointed.” Lol but he really opened us up to more of what God has for us.

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Tuesday, February 17:

Today I ate at one of my favorite restaurants, Noodles & Co. with a friend. I always order Penne Rosa. It’s my favorite. I swung by and grabbed another Snickerdoodle latte before church. I think I’m addicted. Tonight’s service was amazing and reminded me of the Onething Conference in Kansas City! Most importantly Jesus is saying YES to my dream! Stopped at the store before coming home and found this! Every voluptuous Latina’s dream! image _______________________________________

Monday, February 16:

Dying my hair. My preferred shade is Soft Black. Gota get rid of all these gray hairs! Not really though, there’s like two. I’m not lyin! image __________________________________________

Sunday, February 15:

Today was one of the two church services that I volunteer in the children’s ministry service. Actual service was great as it was a guest speaker. He will be preaching until Wednesday as part of an awakening revival. I got a very late Christmas present from my mom, lol. image (an ornament with Bible verses and charms inside and a gift card to my favorite coffee spot) My family and I ate out at a restaurant and I thoroughly enjoyed sweet potato fries with my burger . My dad decided to buy my nephew a Captain America shield at a store we went to. My nephew grabbed my hand and led me through the store whispering as if we were on an adventure! It was so funny!

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Saturday, February 14:

Today is Valentines Day and will be a great one. I devoured a quaint breakfast a Smart One egg scramble thingy, while wheat toast, coconut flavored coffee, and Trop50 orange juice (which is real good). I’m watching Diary of a Mad Black Woman waiting for my favorite scene; when Orlando proposes to Helen. “I know you don’t believe in fairy tales. But if you did…I’d want to be your knight in shining armor. You’ve been through so much. I don’t want to see you hurt anymore. Now, i may not be able to give you all that you’re used to. But i do know i can love you past your pain. I don’t want you to worry about anything. You just wake up in the morning. That’s all you have to do, and I’ll take it from there. There’s one condition. You have to be my wife.” Later, I had another Snickerdoodle latte with my Little of my sorority. After that I met up with friends for a girls’ night. We had a great time! image image

Radiating Joy!

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Friday, February 13:

I’ve been so tired all day because I haven’t had any coffee all day. However, it was a productive day. Paid my bills today: tithe, phone and utilities! Made valentine’s for some teens at my local library on behalf of the program I run. image Prepared a Valentine’s present for tomorrow’s evening with friends. Can’t post any pictures of it because its a white elephant gift exchange.

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Thursday, February 12:

Another home work-out, but 10s are so heavy though! image __________________________________________

Wednesday, February 11:

Had a job interview for a wonderful job at a wonderful agency. I did a presentation/training for another agency for the program I run. And just to keep it real, I’ll leave you with this gem. image _________________________________________

Tuesday, February 10:

I went to bed early last night, a little after 10pm. I slept so well. I am feeling a whole lot better. Working my other job 7a-3p. Found a pretty mug at work for coffee. image Today was a home-workout day (the first in a Super long time). The last time I did any of these videos I still lived at home with my parents! image __________________________________________

Monday, February 9:

Today I was sick and stayed home from work. I had zero energy and could barely eat. All I could do was lay around and try to be awake. Painting my nails was the high point of today. image image __________________________________________

Sunday, February 8:

Here is a poem I wrote recently.

A Single Girl’s Prayer
Thank you for not letting me keep the guys I asked you for. The first, the last, and the ones in between. All I loved or thought I loved.

Thank you for saving me from more trouble. Thank you for loving me enough to sever ties from those guys, no matter how dramatic, because sometimes that’s all I can understand. Thank you for ruining my relationships.

Thank you for teaching me not to wait to have fun. To enjoy these times that are fleeting. Thank you for protecting my heart. Thank you for being my heavenly Father that says, Don’t mess with my daughter.

Thank you for sending me guys that didn’t love me enough or at all- to remind me of who You are and you don’t want anything between us. Thank you for being my friend and sharing your wisdom with me. Thank you for telling me “go and sin no more.”

Thank you for giving me time to get to know myself as your daughter. Thank you for time to get to know my other brothers and sisters in Christ. Thank you for allowing my collection of stories to be a testimony- one that glorifies you. Most of all thank you for loving me enough to keep me to yourself a little longer… image _____________________________________________________

Saturday, February 7:

I’m beyond tired. I was so busy and didn’t have much time to myself. I started my at Panera discussing the Misty Edwards book I told you about before. A friend of mine and I meet every other Saturday morning to talk about what we read. We end up talking for hours about the book and all kinds of other stuff. I left there to meet my family for a dinner I was not expecting. From there i left to meet up for a work social at an upscale bowling alley for another dinner. It seemed like a really cool place but the service was horrible. I left there to attend a meeting at church for those of that serve in some way (I serve in the children’s ministry twice a month). After that I still had to run to the store for a few items. This was a little too much for me, no down time, no time to recharge. I. am. drained. image image __________________________________________

Friday, February 6:

Upcycling! Get’n wax out of used store bought candles. image

And listening to my girl Mariah. image

Me and Bestie LOL! image

After… image __________________________________________

Thursday, February 5:

Worked my other job 7a-3p, on 5 hours of sleep. Now it’s time to party. image _________________________________________

Wednesday February 4:

NASHVILLE! Team Deacon! image

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Couldn’t forget to drop rent off….. at the last minute! image

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Tuesday, February 3:

Today I made some fun valentine’s that I will attach to individual kool-aid packs for teens at my local library (on behalf of the program I run. image I had an amazing Snickerdoodle latte at Scooters with a friend on our way to the young adults group at our church. It was great preaching and fun conversation with friends!

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Monday, February 2:

It is a bookworm night. I’m reading two books and getting caught up tonight. image I read 40+ pages at a time of this one, it’s that good. I highly recommend this, especially if you think you are a Feminist. image Book two is What’s the Point by Misty Edwards. In the words of Misty, You have to know that you know that you know. __________________________________________

Sunday, February 1:

Today was a snowy day and even church was cancelled! image It put me in a bit of a funk. I took some time to get my attitude in check. I read a devotional for today and listened to my 2015 anthem multiple times.image

Sundays are designated family days so I’ve been with my parents, sister and nephew for hours now. I’m catching up on a episode of Downton Abbey that I missed, patiently waiting the new episode at 8pm. I wait all week to see the Grantham family. imageThey’re always after Mr.Bates! and Edith is a hot mess!

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Journaling

Notes to my Husband

This week I finished reading Captivating by John&Stasi Eldredge. They emphasize that this world needs my feminine heart. The people in my life need me to be who only I can be. “No one can be to the people in your life who you can be to them. No one can offer what you can offer.”

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I can risk being vulnerable because I am secure in God’s embrace. Through these last, uh….10ish+ years I have struggled with vulnerability. Holding back tears and swallowing that lump in your throat. Waiting until you get home to cry about a conversation that took place  hours prior. Standing there with the opportunity to honor your soul by speaking words but instead you bare the tension and fix your eyes on an invisible dot on the wall. Typing out a text message either lengthy or just “hey” then deleting it, because you can’t just keep putting your heart out there. Having all the right words while alone but feeling your strength fleeting in the presence of others. Deciding a pokerface is much better than mascara-tear face. Hot tears on my pillow are safer than tears stared at from across the room. Fearing that you’re feelings will repel others. This has been me time and time again. But as I grow in my Protector, I have felt more confident to be my uniquely feminine self. It’s not easy to open up and talk about the things that make my voice shake. I prefer to be well versed, eloquent, composed, unjarred. Life is messy, but there’s beauty in the struggle.
This is me sharing my feminine heart with you all today. Almost a year ago I started a list for my future husband. I reflected on past failed relationships and asked myself What Should the Next Guy Know? I thought at some point in my next  (and final ) relationship I’d share this list with my fiance/husband. Maybe a surprise on our wedding day?

12/16/13  1:23am
for my husband…
somethings you should know about me…

I love pasta, spaghetti, alfredo, lasagna, garlic bread, I love it all!

I’m quiet, a lot. you’ll have to be okay with that. just sitting next to me in silence and know that I’m perfectly content.

but…the once in a blue moon that I’m stressed, worried, scared, nervous, hurt – I hope God gives you the ability to know the difference because…

so many times i just can’t say what i want. fear holds me back from saying certain things. please be patient.

I will almost always forget to wash dirty pots and pans.

I’m far more sensitive and emotional than i let on. i may just cry in secret places at secret times. please be patient and kind.

I dont like many sports but would gladly go to any sporting events with you,  just because it’s you.

i may stare at you often. its because I’m in awe of you and your male-ness.

i love hot tea. hot coffee with flavored creamer.

I eat cereal all times of the day.

i love rainbows, glitter, sparkles.

I love to laugh, so i hope you’re funny.

hug me everyday please.

there is never enough “i love you”s

I’m writing  this on a day that all i can do is trust God that He is bringing us together, because know. ..

I’ve had boyfriends, crushes, flings, and unrequited love

and I’m putting in my faith that you’re mine to keep.

I like to sleep in.

unless we have plans, I probably won’t get dressed and put makeup on.

I’m not always on time.

I can’t wait to make a house into a home for US.

12/18/183. 2:35am
I don’t like to be rushed.

I can definitely be indecisive.

I don’t like yelling, slamming doors, cussing, acting out in anger towards me makes me not feel safe.

I dont like being called boring.

I’m shy. I don’t like meeting new people. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like superficial conversations.

so it may seem like I’m not trying to be social but I really am trying.

my perfect day with you would involve us laying in bed all day (even calling in to work) and just talk,laugh,and just be together.

I hope we have a million inside jokes.

6/11/14. 2am
I always have a pile of clothes on the bedroom floor.

I have to fall asleep with the fan on.

I eat strawberries in the middle of the night.

I hate car problems. I pray to God that you’re a car enthusiast…

and I drive on empty for days.

my mascara routine is entirely too long, be patient.

I don’t like crying in front of people, even myself.

if I’m in a sad mood and I choose to listen to music,it’ll be sad music. if I choose a movie, it’ll be a funny movie.

I procrastinate haircuts.

I’m perfectly happy sitting outside on a porch reading a book.

cloudy days make me feel like doing nothing.

I prefer any  chore except laundry.

I love macaroni and cheese.

8/6/14  1:50am
I don’t like being rushed to make a decision.

I prefer to have a partner when doing small things like running errands.

“I want the parts that you’ve tried to throw away -the parts that you were convinced no one could ever love”

every so often I fall in love with a song or movie and play it in repeat for days or even weeks a time.

everyday is an occasion for froyo

also donuts.

oneday I want to get in my car and drive to anywhere for the weekend.

8/26/14  2:05am
sometimes fear immobilizes me.

I love summer

but I like fall much better.

I love X-Files and hope one day you will too.

“if you’re a bird, I’m a bird” learn it. love it.

every once in awhile help me experience something new, at my own pace.

I like making lists 🙂

I go to bed really late.

I keep quiet about important decisions until I’m sure of my choice.

please give me a puppy.

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To be continued. ..

12/05/14    4:31pm

im usually too hard myself
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Related Music: Lord I’m Ready Now by Plumb, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBUQqLp6N24

 

http://en.gravatar.com/that1liana

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