This week I finished reading Captivating by John&Stasi Eldredge. They emphasize that this world needs my feminine heart. The people in my life need me to be who only I can be. “No one can be to the people in your life who you can be to them. No one can offer what you can offer.”
I can risk being vulnerable because I am secure in God’s embrace. Through these last, uh….10ish+ years I have struggled with vulnerability. Holding back tears and swallowing that lump in your throat. Waiting until you get home to cry about a conversation that took place hours prior. Standing there with the opportunity to honor your soul by speaking words but instead you bare the tension and fix your eyes on an invisible dot on the wall. Typing out a text message either lengthy or just “hey” then deleting it, because you can’t just keep putting your heart out there. Having all the right words while alone but feeling your strength fleeting in the presence of others. Deciding a pokerface is much better than mascara-tear face. Hot tears on my pillow are safer than tears stared at from across the room. Fearing that you’re feelings will repel others. This has been me time and time again. But as I grow in my Protector, I have felt more confident to be my uniquely feminine self. It’s not easy to open up and talk about the things that make my voice shake. I prefer to be well versed, eloquent, composed, unjarred. Life is messy, but there’s beauty in the struggle.
This is me sharing my feminine heart with you all today. Almost a year ago I started a list for my future husband. I reflected on past failed relationships and asked myself What Should the Next Guy Know? I thought at some point in my next (and final ) relationship I’d share this list with my fiance/husband. Maybe a surprise on our wedding day?
12/16/13 1:23am
for my husband…
somethings you should know about me…
I love pasta, spaghetti, alfredo, lasagna, garlic bread, I love it all!
I’m quiet, a lot. you’ll have to be okay with that. just sitting next to me in silence and know that I’m perfectly content.
but…the once in a blue moon that I’m stressed, worried, scared, nervous, hurt – I hope God gives you the ability to know the difference because…
so many times i just can’t say what i want. fear holds me back from saying certain things. please be patient.
I will almost always forget to wash dirty pots and pans.
I’m far more sensitive and emotional than i let on. i may just cry in secret places at secret times. please be patient and kind.
I dont like many sports but would gladly go to any sporting events with you, just because it’s you.
i may stare at you often. its because I’m in awe of you and your male-ness.
i love hot tea. hot coffee with flavored creamer.
I eat cereal all times of the day.
i love rainbows, glitter, sparkles.
I love to laugh, so i hope you’re funny.
hug me everyday please.
there is never enough “i love you”s
I’m writing this on a day that all i can do is trust God that He is bringing us together, because know. ..
I’ve had boyfriends, crushes, flings, and unrequited love
and I’m putting in my faith that you’re mine to keep.
I like to sleep in.
unless we have plans, I probably won’t get dressed and put makeup on.
I’m not always on time.
I can’t wait to make a house into a home for US.
12/18/183. 2:35am
I don’t like to be rushed.
I can definitely be indecisive.
I don’t like yelling, slamming doors, cussing, acting out in anger towards me makes me not feel safe.
I dont like being called boring.
I’m shy. I don’t like meeting new people. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like superficial conversations.
so it may seem like I’m not trying to be social but I really am trying.
my perfect day with you would involve us laying in bed all day (even calling in to work) and just talk,laugh,and just be together.
I hope we have a million inside jokes.
6/11/14. 2am
I always have a pile of clothes on the bedroom floor.
I have to fall asleep with the fan on.
I eat strawberries in the middle of the night.
I hate car problems. I pray to God that you’re a car enthusiast…
and I drive on empty for days.
my mascara routine is entirely too long, be patient.
I don’t like crying in front of people, even myself.
if I’m in a sad mood and I choose to listen to music,it’ll be sad music. if I choose a movie, it’ll be a funny movie.
I procrastinate haircuts.
I’m perfectly happy sitting outside on a porch reading a book.
cloudy days make me feel like doing nothing.
I prefer any chore except laundry.
I love macaroni and cheese.
8/6/14 1:50am
I don’t like being rushed to make a decision.
I prefer to have a partner when doing small things like running errands.
“I want the parts that you’ve tried to throw away -the parts that you were convinced no one could ever love”
every so often I fall in love with a song or movie and play it in repeat for days or even weeks a time.
everyday is an occasion for froyo
also donuts.
oneday I want to get in my car and drive to anywhere for the weekend.
8/26/14 2:05am
sometimes fear immobilizes me.
I love summer
but I like fall much better.
I love X-Files and hope one day you will too.
“if you’re a bird, I’m a bird” learn it. love it.
every once in awhile help me experience something new, at my own pace.
I like making lists 🙂
I go to bed really late.
I keep quiet about important decisions until I’m sure of my choice.
please give me a puppy.
To be continued. ..
12/05/14 4:31pm
im usually too hard myself
Related Music: Lord I’m Ready Now by Plumb, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBUQqLp6N24
Confessions of a Recovering Feminist 