It’s been a long while since I shared my thoughts of feminism. I started this blog years ago, based on my transition out of feminist attitudes. I cannot keep up with the spiral of men & women year after year. This video encompasses all of what I’d say myself! I’m reposting this Melanie King episode of her commentary on this Jordan Peterson & Louise Perry conversation.
Louise Perry is the author of, The Case Against the Sexual Revolution. I’m looking forward to reading in the new year!
12/18/2021
Its December, almost 2022. I have this sense that there’s something different about this December. I’d say the last 12 months have been different. They were surely nothing I had ever expected. It’s like God came to me and said, “GO.” Put your shoes on, grab a bag and start walking. Where? Walk where? Go where?
Every day for the past year has felt like that. I haven’t always been aware, but that’s what happened. Who I am today is not who I was a year ago.
I find myself in a job that is a great fit. It’s provided my soul a rest but my nervous system is still acquainted with invisible threats. But it’s getting better. Learning to cultivate peace in my thoughts and body takes effort.
I found myself on two mission trips in one year to the same place. A place with a unique history and unique future. A town known for subjugation and pain. While a new story is being written there. A beauty for ashes tale. Maybe I was called there because that’s what God has been doing with my story too.
I found myself lost for a short time. I had been beaten down by a force I wasnt ready for. I felt small and weak, heartbroken. I sought out old ways for relief only to remember there is no relief in the rains of baal [Hosea 2:13].
I found myself aspiring to say Yes more. Yes to good things. Yes to self care. I said Yes to more serving opportunities and I said Yes to more social invitations. I said Yes when I could and I’ll do my best to continue that.
I found myself learning how deep wounds can be. Underneath layers, infections of the heart can still live. Symptoms can go unnoticed until triggered. The Holy Spirit gently but urgently says, “Come. Look. See.” Infections are ugly. They aren’t supposed to be there. They don’t belong in the temple of the Holy Spirit. Jesus comes to say, “Let ME.” It’s okay to say, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)” It’s okay to be like Peter, blunders and repeated mistakes.
After Jesus is resurrected after his crucifixion, he sits with Peter. In John 21, Jesus asks Peter three times, “Do you love me?” One for each denial. It seems Jesus is bringing restoration to their relationship as Peter previously denied him three times the night Jesus was arrested. I’ve come to ask the question in a different way. Its easy to say yes I love someone. But I find myself hearing, “Are you someone that loves me?” I think they are different questions. Do you love me? Yes. Sure. Yup. Easy. Are you someone that loves me? That focuses on actions, habits, character, relationship.
I also call to attention the conversation at the Last Supper. In Matthew 16:16, Jesus asks his disciples, “Who do you say that I am?” They take turns and it’s concluded that yes, Jesus is the Messiah. Yes! Got it right! Peter would think to himself. But again I hear a different question being asked. “Who do you say that you are?” What? Huh? Hmm…
Do you call yourself a disciple? Are you a follower of the Messiah? How can it be seen that you are? This focuses again on actions, habits, character, relationship.
I found myself in a lot of places this year. Ultimately, I find myself at the intersection of these two major questions. I hope you do too. I hope we know the answers. In 2022, I hope we exhibit the habits and character worthy to be called Jesus’ followers.
This is a break up letter to everyone that once was.
I have to let you go now for not being a better man. Maybe I did ask, maybe I knew it was pointless so I never thought I should.
I have to let the me go that wanted you so badly. Maybe it could have worked better, maybe I just had poor judgment.
I have to let you go now. Time doesn’t heal much because brains record memories. Bodies record emotions. The presence of feelings does not constitute reality.
I have to let the me go that tried so hard and thought loyalty led to love.
I have to let you go now. The thing you did or didn’t do that led me to assume you didn’t care. Maybe you did, maybe you weren’t capable. Your intentions were not my responsibility.
I have to let the me go that thought I knew everything. I didn’t know you. I didn’t know me.
I brought empty cups to you demanding that you fill them and overflow them. That’s not your place.
I have to let you go now. For using me at your convenience and allowing myself to be used at someone else’s convenience.
I have to let the me go that felt suffering in silence was better than speaking up. Being low maintenance and without need would lead to someone intuitively being aware of the needs I didn’t have and fulfill them all.
I have to let you go now. Its easy to recall smiles and imagine an alternate storyline. Hearing a song and associating with you. Association doesn’t constitute God’s plans.
I have to let the me go that continues to revert to old roles. I have to take up space and not be a bystander in my own life. I can’t watch my life through a window.
I’m breaking up with you… and me, all that once was.
Related music:
I’m no stranger to heartbreak. I’m no stranger to disappointment. I’m no stranger to not being chosen by someone.
Just because I’m familiar, though, doesn’t mean I am those things. I will not bond with those things anymore. We are acquaintances but we dont have to be friends.
Yes, they are things that have happened but its not who I am.
Up until this month, my narrative had always been: they [guys] never stay, they always leave, they never choose me, I’m the one left with all the feelings.
On October 1st, I couldn’t fall asleep. I sat up in bed and began talking with God. I wrote in my journal my narrative. That old script. I also wrote down a prayer that I’ve always prayed. My old life revolved around whatever guy I was pining for at the moment and when things weren’t working out I would always pray:
Please God, take him away if he’s not from you.
I would most often be crying out to God, literally crying and in the middle of the physical manifestation of my heart breaking. I would even make the gesture with my hands and arms giving something away, lifting it up toward heaven.
Take this away if its not from you. Take it. Take it away. I dont want it if its not from you.
I cannot count how many times I’ve prayed that. Each time in depth and sincerity. I didn’t see it as God ever answering my prayer when “they always left” until that night.
God spoke to me and said, “You asked me to take them away… I DID.”
I’m still digesting that.
It feels good to be in my flesh and be sad. It satifies, in a sick way, to be the one thats broken hearted. A pain that satifies the flesh. It feels good to be justified that I’m the one that always hurts.
This is what happens to me.
I’m the one with the broken heart when the other person just nonchalantly walks away like I’ve always been no one and nothingness.
They always leave me. They always choose someone else. They never choose me.
We eventually dry our tears and the narratives so entrenched within us lie dormant. Things seem well until we meet someone new. Or are they new? A different face with a different name but the same injury waits for us up ahead.
I’m telling you today the wounds dont have to be the same.
When God told me, “I DID,” it was also him saying, I AM THAT I AM – Exodus 3:14.
I AM and I DID.
That sentence is a whole sermon by iteself.
My God is Supreme.
Revelation 4 says,
After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” 2 At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. 3 And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. 4 Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. 5 From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. In front of the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits 6 Also in front of the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.
In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. 7 The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. 8 Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying:
“‘Holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty,
who was, and is, and is to come.”
9 Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, 10 the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
11 “You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being.”
That Someone sitting on a throne of what could only be described as *like jewels, rainbows, lightning and thunder with creatures saying Holy, holy, holy day and night is the same person that spoke to me in the dark, “I DID.”
My imagination took me 100 steps ahead of course. I had to make the wise effort to keep my feet on the ground. I had the impulse to uncage my feelings but never heard God tell me to. I had some ups and downs because I battled those old narravtives, old triggers, not so old insecurities. When my cup got bumped I noticed insecure thoughts bubbled up causing me to revert to suspicion and defense. I was surprised how fast these old scripts showed up, often instantaneously.
I told myself, whether he’s a good guy[doesn’t hurt me] or a bad guy [hurts me], he isnt my responsibility. I am responsible for my own choices and responses. Even if this turns into nothing, God is Good and God is Good to me.
During some insecure moments the Holy Spirit convicted me.
“So this person you’ve known for like 5 minutes is gona make or break you? What about God? All HE has taught you through these past years? All this time, just you and Him? Means nothing?”
The Holy Spirit doesn’t sugar coat.
I was wrestling with my insecurities daily and unexpectedly.
I’ve been single for a long time and communicating with someone stirred up some things I needed to address. Issues that I assumed were not there.
Today, I feel good knowing I can go toe to toe with insecurity and old narratives.
God came into lies with His truth.
They didnt leave you. I removed them because you aligned your will with mine. You spent many years being double-minded and it caused confusion and sad feelings, but now you see. I’ve peeled a layer of scales from your eyes and you see what I see.
So last night….doesnt any good story start with, “so last night…”? Im right it does. I went to a poetry show called Poets in Autumn. I have never been to a poetry show and I most definitely plan to go to this one again. The artists have been touring together for some years now. They are musicians, singers and authors and influential leaders. They all love Christ and expressed the nuances and intricacies of what relationship with Jesus feels like. How it manifests in the personal and the social. Overall I loved the experience.
It reminded me that I do dabble in the expression of words. As a young person I always had a notebook of poems. Most filled with melancholy and sometimes rage. Much of my creative writing focused on whichever boy was the object of my infatuation and pain at the time. I did throw away a lot notebooks and journals in effort to rid myself of soul ties. Read A Lonely Girl’s Cry.
But in recent years I have been writing some short pieces in my notes in my phone. All but one are old. God has a way of bringing you into seasons of beauty if you lay your ashes at His altar. I believe the fragrance of your past burning is a sweet smell of worship to the Father.
Today while creativity and expression are still potent, I decided to share those pieces here. Just like in my post All the Songs I Like are Sad, so it seems true for my poetry! Maybe one day I will sing a New song but for now this is what once was.
______________________
May 16, 2017
Saturday nights
Were always reserved
Just for you
Tonights no different
What do you do
When youre lonely?
I think of you
But i suppose
You think of her.
I just wanna be
Beautiful for you.
Feeling like
a train
That’s not on route.
Summer nights
Were reserved for you
Thunder and lightening
I just want you
Everytime
Night air on my legs
Reaching for my hand
In the crowds
Was my favorite
Part.
I didn’t know you
At 18 but i wish
We woulda met then
It coulda been perfect
In some other life.
_________________________
June 27, 2017
You triggered my insecurity
With your breath
Just by your voice tone
Hitting the airways
The way you
Didn’t look at me
Though i guess you wanted to
The way you
Played it all cool
Til it was just ice
Touching my skin
The way you
Ignored my ridiculous
texts
The ones that said Hey
The ones i sent trying
To get an appointment
In your mind
Even if it couldn’t be in
Your heart
The way you
Smiled
The way you laughed
It all triggered my insecurities
The way you
Wouldn’t answer my insecure- girl questions
The way you left my house
And later my apartment
The way you walked out of my door frame
The way you never called me
The way you’d come back
As if months hadnt passed
I was just an insecure girl
Covered in make up
Perfume
And pomp
I didnt know how to treat a man
How to get along with a man
You triggered my insecurities
You were unimpressed with me
You had your fill of me
And there wasnt much left
I always wanted to
Break free
But i was just a scared insecure girl
With gaudy plans
I was too proud to show up
So i stayed inside to cry
give up
let pain be done to me.
___________________________
July 9, 2017
I just want to look at him
And say Dont You Want to be 17 Again?
Before your heart was shattered
Before sex left you empty
Before you knew not to trust
When love was an exotic location
Somewhere in the universe
Dripping down your fingertips
When smiles were currency
Holding hands was awkwardly exciting
Jagged Edge and Faith Evans on
Midnight Love
Talking on the house phone all night
Writing letters in notebooks
Signing 2 u 4rm me
Airbrush t- shirts with our names on ’em
Not afraid of what anyone would say
___________________________
August 12, 2017
You must have known
You must have known
Couldnt you tell?
Couldnt you see?
Didn’t you feel it in my kiss
Didn’t you feel it in my body
My heart rupturing
Exploding onto your chest
Did my soul ever reach yours?
Did you see even a single tear?
I know at least one spilled out
did you feel it in the atmosphere?
Could you ever hear the lumps of heartbreak
I swallowed
Could you ever hear the silent fears
escaping my brain
Fears streaming like a social media timeline
Did you ever notice
me
My inside me
Did you ever stay up late
wondering about the inside of me
Even just once?
Didn’t you want to feel?
Didn’t you want to want it?
Could you still
With me?
__________________________
February 5, 2018
Its hard
Living life in the shell
Behind the glass
You survive
But no one knows.
__________________________
September 12, 2018
The hardest pill
To swallow
Is that im not yours
Youre not mine
And God never told me
You were mine
You never wanted me
And still dont
Because this has been
All in my head
All these years
You havent reached out
In years
And im always watching
My notifications
Youre with someone
And shes prettier
Thinner
And even thats
Not enough motivation
For me to stop
Disregarding portion sizes
And i feel ridiculous
For even still keeping my head up
In public in case you walk by
We’re in the same city
But universes away
I hope i dont run into you
While you’re with her
I wouldnt recover
I hate that im jealous
That i once had your attention
If only for a night
I hate that i settled for your crumbs
I thought it would pay off
One day and youd choose me
But all these days prove
I was grossly mistaken
Thats not how it works
Is it sad my biggest dream in life
Is a man proposing to me?
I cant imagine it because
90% of me doubts itll be reality
And sometimes im mad at God
I feel forgotten about
Like David with the sheep
All the other girls get lined up
Presented as the best
And no one even invited me
Everyone’s life is picking up speed
But mine is unwitnessed
No one sees me
No one comes for me
No one comes
How can i not want this?
How can be relieved from this?
This plague
__________________________
December 24, 2018
I don’t have much to offer
This is what ill say
If you look twice at me.
Im not who i used to be
Somehow i still think *that
is who’d you’d like,
But not the TodayMe.
The TodayMe is awkward in crowds
Rigidly shy in moments i unexpected.
The TodayMe is invisible
Like how no one could ever imagine
Clark Kent is Superman.
The TodayMe almost walks with my head down
secretly hoping someone sees me but doesn’t.
The TodayMe deeply desires to be noticed
but you’d never notice.
The TodayMe thinks in monologues that’ll never be heard.
The TodayMe cant offer you much.
The TodayMe wouldnt know what to say if you spoke in my direction.
The TodayMe wouldnt know what to do if you wanted to see me outside of our meeting spot.
The TodayMe cant escape the pangs of insecurity by letting you take my clothes off.
The TodayMe fears i’d rather stay alone.
The TodayMe might just stand at the bus stop all my life.
__________________________
September 2, 2019
Im trying
My best
But you dont know.
Lies are coming at me
About you
But
If its true then whos lying?
Im trying not to see you
With the lenses of my past
Guys who dont care
Guys that ignore me
Guys that stay but only for a night.
Im hoping thats not you
But i dont know you.
If youre the real deal
Then i want you
If youre playing games
Then NO.
Im fighting my own thoughts
Waring against you.
Id like to know
Im making the right decisions
maybe im just being stupid.
Because those types of things dont
Happen for me.
Guys leave,
Thats what happens to me.
They throw me back
And fish for someone else
Put me in the discard pile
And draw another card.
_________________________
Recently God allowed me to see that although I have been esteemed for being able to remain objective in many situations in my life it has come as a detriment in matters of the heart. I’ve been called diplomatic by friends and coworkers. I’m most often level headed and keep my cool in intense moments. For the most part, this way of being has proven successful in work and interpersonal relationships. I can be counted on for sound advice and am able to see things from all angles. I’m very good at helping others talk through their own troubles, offering a non-judging and safe atmosphere in my presence. How could this be a detriment to my own life?
I’m unsure if I’m naturally objective or if events in early childhood molded me to remain on the outside, looking in. Growing up, I always felt that way. As if I were looking at everyone through a window. Even the songs, “Looking In” and “Outside” by Mariah Carey were so on point when I heard them as a teenager. As I have grown older, I suppose I honed this feeling into a skill that became very useful to me.
Except for defining moments in my life when remaining objective wasn’t what the moment called for. Showing up as my personal self was what I should have done but didn’t know how. Instead I shut down at a psychological crossroads. Unable to break through the window to the other side. I felt strapped down by own hands unable to show up and let myself be known.
It wasn’t until the past few months that I was able to make this connection. I see now that although remaining objective is a valuable skill, there are times where I will not be able to remain objective. There are moments that involve the personal self, which will have its own bias and narratives. Expressing them will be equal in value.
During the past few years, God and I have talked about vulnerability. I’ve asked “what does it look like to be vulnerable?” I told God that He would have to reveal to me what vulnerability would look like in a particular moment. I often think it must mean crying in front of someone, which I don’t ever want to do. I see though, it may look like disclosing information to someone that I normally wouldn’t share. It could be sharing my opinion when I normally would back down. It could be reaching out and asking a friend to pray for me when I feel overwhelmed. It can look like sharing my dreams and articulating me fears. It can and will look like many different things. I just know that I’m ready now. I know I cannot remain detached and objective at all times. The things I want out of life require me to not be who I am today. I have to step into a new version of me each day. These daily decisions require me to trust a Loving God.
10 This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”
Jeremiah 29:11 is often quoted by itself but it is not a stand alone verse. This was spoken by Jeremiah and behalf of the Lord regarding those in exile in Babylon. I’m sure it didn’t feel good to be in Babylon and would’ve been hard to see God had plans to prosper them. Being out of your comfort zone doesn’t feel good. It can be hard to see the good plans that God has for you when you feel so uncomfortable. The past few months I have been out of my comfort zone in a number of ways. I’m sure and unsure of what the future holds. Whether I feel comfortable or not, God is sovereign.
Recently I was listening to “Betcha Gon’ Know” by Mariah Carey. It was the version that features R. Kelly. It made me think about how R. Kelly is now known for abusing women and how many were pushing for the mute R. Kelly movement, among other celebrities that are outed as abusers or pedophiles. I see why people want to shame these people and want to take away their star power. However, there are abusers all around us. There’s millions probably billions of people that abuse other people but we are only aware of the cases that make the headlines, nationally or locally. If we knew what literally everyone was up to in their spare time no one would be allowed to do anything in the court of public opinion. It seems that we have entered a new era in history. Pedophilia and abuse against women in general is taken more seriously in some ways. Despite the “anything goes” culture, the “consent” culture, there seems to be thirst to know the truth even about our supposed heroes or favorite celebrities. I cannot emphasize enough though that it shouldn’t surprise you that the World is busy being the World. That is, if you’re a Christ follower.
In Genesis 6:9, the Bible tells us that “Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his generation. Noah walked with God.” He [and his immediate family] was the only one selected to survive the Great Flood. Literally, no one else.
As far as God was concerned, the Earth had become a sewer; there was violence everywhere. God took one look and saw how bad it was, everyone corrupt and corrupting—life itself corrupt to the core. Genesis 6:11-12 MSG
Further in Genesis 18, the Bible tells us that Abraham interceded for the town of Sodom. He asked if God would spare the city if fifty righteous people are found and God said he would. However, I think Abraham knew there wasn’t fifty righteous people so he kept bargaining for less. He stops at ten. He asks God if he would spare the city if there are ten righteous people found and God gives His word, “for the sake of ten I will not destroy it.” We read just one chapter later that God did not find ten righteous and only allowed Lot, his wife and two daughters to flee as God rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from Heaven. Out of the four fleeing, three made it to the next town.
Skipping ahead to the book of Daniel, we learn about a young man named Daniel that was trafficked to Babylon after Nebuchadnezzar took over Jerusalem. Daniel became known for maintaining his purity in the midst of the Babylonian culture. Daniel refrained from the foods and drinks they served as to not defile himself. God gave him favor and Daniel was allowed to not partake in the lifestyle. Daniel continued to see favor throughout his life while living in a different kingdom.
Just as in the times of Noah, Lot and Daniel- these men were counter-cultural. Within their generations and throughout history, their names and stories were written down to be known forever for their righteousness. These are just three examples, but three out of the billions of people that have gone to the grave before us and will go after us… THREE stands out to me.
We are living in modern day Babylon or Sodom or Gomorrah. These cities are basically cliché in 2019. But if you are a Bible reader, you need to acknowledge the time in which we live. Our culture is a secular one. Our country didn’t begin that way but as history repeats itself, Secular is what we have turned into. That is why there is so much hostility towards the Christian life. Real Christians standing for Biblical Truth in the Post Modern Culture.
You’re probably wondering when I’m going to explain how I’m so pretty and what that has to do with R. Kelly, historical and biblical references.
[I apologize if you’ve lost interest already. Context is one of my top strengths and I feel compelled to give the context to help lead you from one idea to the next. It’s just how my mind works! ]
While we live in Babylon just as Daniel did, we are called to stand out. We are not to participate in everything that the opposing culture offers. Daniel could have forgot his identity and dismissed his God but he did not. He could have sold out to the dominate culture, a foreign culture. Time and time again God warned his people to not worship other gods or idols. To not become like those around them. In the Old Testament, God very clearly gave those instructions repeatedly. In the New Testament, God gave us his only son to give us the grace that we might finally obey his commands. He allowed Jesus to come to love us by allowing us to see our hearts are knitted together with His. That we see ourselves and others with His gracious loving eyes. We have to distinguish what is the culture permit and what does God command? They should not be the same. We are to pursue Christ and aim to be Holy not assimilate to a culture that rebels and rallies against our God. It can feel uncomfortable but if our eyes are on eternity with Christ, saying no to permissive cultural practices should become easier over time.
Earlier that day I was running errands. I went to a Target for one thing. That one thing was not in the store so I decided to walk around a bit. Dangerous, I know! I walked through the women’s clothing, accessories, bedding, back through the accessories and women’s clothing. I tried on a lot of sunglasses and touched many handbags. I left the store only buying one t-shirt!
As I was driving away, I began to think about how much I desire to buy new clothing and accessories. How much I desire to join in the beauty and fashion trends taking place. How the pull of obtaining more clothes, more accessories, longer lashes, specific nude colored lipstick permeate my mind. I follow a lot of online boutiques on social media so I constantly see the clothes I don’t have and decide very often that I need thirty new tops every month. Social media is now interwoven with ads of all types. These ads are catered specifically for you through algorithms. Its easy to get caught up in striving to look a certain way or follow current trends.
I often feel I need to be prettier. Prettier and prettier. I have to achieve more as far as appearance. I have to improve my appearance. I have to aim to look better than I do today. Its feels like a beating drum…. Prettier….prettier….prettier. A pounding drum.
For men, it could be you feel you need to make more money, improve your wages, get a bigger paycheck. More money…money….money. A pounding drum.
I then wondered what if I replaced that beating drum with the beating drum of God’s love? What if I put that appearance drum on mute. I believe I would hear the pounding drum of God’s fierce love. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. DEEPER. FIERCER. That sound would be overwhelming and no other sound could replace it once I heard it truly.
It made me think of how I long for a husband. A husband that would take delight in me. That would be excited when I walked into a room. Or if I were doing something like the washing dishes a very mundane activity. My back is towards him as I zone out in the task before me. He, on the other hand, very much intently watching me. Radiating beautiful thoughts towards me.
So, if I take this vision and transplant it on the Lord…
Can I fully grasp how much he loves me already? How much it isn’t about my appearance? The clothes I wear, the makeup trends I choose to follow or reject, my hair style, my weight. When I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface and instantaneously think “ugh,” when I don’t measure up to the standards I decided were important… NONE of these influence God’s love. God has been radiating beautiful thoughts on to me since before he knit me together in my mother’s womb. For every beat of “be prettier,” God beats “I LOVE YOU” louder, “I LOVE YOU DEEPER,” “I LOVE YOU FIERCER”….its a beat more steady and full than our own heartbeat. Its a rhythm with origins in Heaven that God gave us the grace to tune in to.
Havilah Cunnington posted this the other day on her Instagram. I thought it fit perfectly into the revelation I had.
Related Reading:
Last night I confessed to a friend that all my favorite love songs are sad. It was a very lighthearted conversation and of course I sprinkle everything I say with self-deprecating humor. But it is true. We were talking about possible wedding songs for our future weddings. If you look at my Pinterest wedding board you’d see I have every little detail already planned out except for the wedding song. I love music and listen to music almost 24 hours per day. You’d think I would have the perfect wedding song picked out but I don’t.
I explained to my friend that all the love songs that were about relationships before never worked out.
To try to label a song perfect for a wedding I have yet to have seems impossible.
All I have to pull from is past pain. Past heartbreaks that shattered me in the moment. I have years that stand out because of songs like, “I Need You Now,” by Lady Antebellum. For years I would have to turn the radio station because listening to it would take me too far back. It’s a great song for the precise emotion that arises in a lot of us. But its sad.
How about “Stay” by Rihanna? Longing for someone to stay knowing they won’t. Sam Smith has “Stay with Me,” similar themes, same sadness.
If you’re looking for an upbeat sad song try, “Sweet Nothing,” by Calvin Harris ft. Florence from Florence and the Machine. The beat is so heavy you might forget that you’re sad. Not really.
Another good one, “Come Over,” by Kenny Chesney. Dysfunctional and sad. A lot like “I Need You Now.”
Feeling regretful? “All Back” by Chris Brown is my recommendation.
Mariah Carey has always been foundational in my love of heartbreak songs: Heart Breaker- fun but sad. H.A.T.E.U., Love Takes Time, Breakdown, Bringing on the Heartbreak (original Def Leppard), there’s a lot more but I’ll stop.
Maybe something more edgy? “The Bleeding” by Five Finger Death Punch will do it.
I even like sad songs in Spanish, “El Perdedor,” by Aventura.
All the songs I really love are Sad.
What does that say about me?
I guess it says I have a tendency to choose sadness over the other options. Options such as Joy and Hope.
It also says that I haven’t had a relationship last or survive the heartbreak. My relationship resume doesn’t look good. There’s lots of gaps, many short term stints and the descriptions sound sketchy.
One Day… someone will come along and perhaps, just perhaps they will stay and the love will be real.
And I won’t want to love sad songs anymore.
This weekend I discovered the docuseries, Surviving R. Kelly, on Lifetime. I was horrified, shocked, confused but also very much jaded. I kept thinking backwards to try to recall when all of these accusations were circulating in the media. I guess I missed all of it because I was a teenager myself and not a huge fan? Yes I can name some of his most popular songs but they weren’t ever my favorites. At that time in my life the only older man I had eyes for was Brad Pitt! (That’s another blog post LOL).
I know many right now are grieving and angered by the stories in the series. The stories of Robert Kelly’s predatory behavior, his own sexual abuse as a child, the countless underage girls he preyed on, the manipulation, the intimidation, the domestic and dating violence, the deceit, the power plays, his Hiding In Plain Sight, and much more. Watching women cry through the painful memories that haunt them is in itself painful to the viewer.
I’m not glad any of this has happened to the individuals involved. I am hopeful that through the handful of stories shared by these brave women that people will begin to take sex seriously.
Sex wasn’t made for a power game. Sex wasn’t made for manipulation. Sex wasn’t made for control.
If you are having a sexualized relationship with someone and power, manipulation and control are a dominating the experiences – then you need to remove yourself. Leave, ask for help, reach out at all costs. It will destroy you.
Sex alone is a powerful experience. The God of the Bible created sex as a powerful experience to glue a man and women together in a covenant. The covenant(marriage) is two becoming one, not one enveloping the other.
The only visual representation I can use to warn you against is that of Symbiote. The symbiote comes from the Marvel comic book world used to identify a fictional species that bonds with their hosts. Wikipedia states, “They also are able to slightly alter their hosts personalities, by influencing their darkest desires and wants, along with amplifying their physical and emotional traits and personality, granting them super-human abilities.”
Think of the Venom taking over Eddie Brock. In this clip Eddie meets Venom.
Its all fun and games when it’s a movie, a comic book movie, a movie with my Bae(Tom Hardy)- but its your demise when your mind and body are conquered by another entity.
Outside of God’s will, we will come in contact with these other entities. I do believe just like Ephesians 6:12 tells us that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, and spiritual forces in the heavenly realms.
That is why we have to be born again like Jesus tells us in John 3:3-6. Before we are born again, we are operating in the flesh.
John 8:44 tells us, You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and has nothing to do with the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies. Jesus was speaking to the Pharisee at this time, because they refused to acknowledge Him as the Son of God, refused to accept the Truth and because of this rejected His authority. This goes the same for us in the here and now. When we believe ourselves to be our own authority then anything goes.
Aleister Crowley, made famous ‘Do as thou wilt shall be the whole of the law” in the early 1900s but its message goes back to the Garden of Eden in Genesis 3. The serpent introduced “do as thou wilt” to Eve and she welcomed it.
I’m getting real nerdy here to drive home the message that outside of Christ, we will do harm to one another. Mark 7: 21-23 tells us, For it is from within, out of a person’s heart, that evil thoughts come—sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and defile a person.
Is Robert Kelly guilty of such things? YES.
Is he guilty of crimes in our modern society? YES.
Is he guilty of being a human devoid of submission to Christ? YES.
Should we intercede on his behalf? YES.
A couple of years ago I attended a conference on a college campus. The topics covered were regarding campus safety, sexual assault and stalking, mass shootings etc. There was a breakout session led by a professor that presented us with the story of Nate Parker and his movie, Birth of a Nation (2016). The movie and Nate Parker were receiving mixed reviews. The film tells the true story of a slave rebellion in 1831. Nate Parker’s past had come to the fore front as the movie was released. During his college career, he was accused of rape in 1999. I will stop at those facts. Research more if you want. The purpose of the break out session was to discuss the issues of our heroes also being monsters. Do we celebrate the movie and give Nate Parker praise for directing and acting in this depiction of slaves rising up? In a story that has been minimized in our history. Do we protest the movie and Nate Parker? Nate Parker was acquitted of the charges. Does acquittal equal innocence? Is he still guilty of crimes committed even though a court of law found him not guilty?
This seems to be the defense of many Robert Kelly fans. Numerous times in this series, fans stated that he was acquitted of the charges against him and that is why they proceeded forward in their support or business with him.
My one question to throw out there for discussion is: In general, most Americans, could agree that the justice system gets it wrong from time to time. Innocent people are determined guilty and guilty people are determine innocent. The system is flawed whether it be judges, attorneys, or juries. If we start from this agreement, then why would we pledge our loyalty to someone brought into court with video evidence of them paying cash to a 14 year old girl for sex? The charges were child pornography. The existence of a video let alone fits the description.
Many voices in the series referred a lot to the Black community. Some felt the Black community failed the women and girls that were harmed by Rob Kelly. I would agree.
No matter the “community” you identify with, racial, ethnic, religious, socio-economic, political – it will fail you.
How do we move forward?
First, we need to welcome Godly sorrow and grieve our mistakes.
Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. 2 Corinthians 7:10
Our personal sins and the sins of others needs to bring us sorrow. We need to learn to blush again, we need to be embarrassed for our lack of self control and rebellion. We need to be grieved by abuse committed against others. By abuse, I mean all forms of sexuality that is not under the submission of the Word of God. Society’s standard for sexual behavior is that which is consensual. However, God’s standard is much MUCH HIGHER.
Are they ashamed of their detestable conduct?
No, they have no shame at all;
they do not even know how to blush.
So they will fall among the fallen;
they will be brought down when they are punished,
says the LORD. Jeremiah 8:12
Second, we need to repent. To repent means to turn from sin. Feeling Godly sorrow is foundational but next is to turn away. Turn away and run in the opposite direction.
Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 2 Timothy 2:22
Third, is to pursue righteousness. How do we do that? Ephesians 5:1-20 outlines how we should live.
1 Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children 2 and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a person is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.[a] 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God’s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them.
8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness,righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. 12 It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. 13 But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. 14 This is why it is said:
“Wake up, sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you.”
15 Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise,16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is.18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit. Sing and make music from your heart to the Lord,20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.
Finally, if a relationship is what you desire Paul has some amazing things to say in 1 Corinthians 7:1-40 and Ephesians 5:21-33. I encourage you to read it in the Message version. Please do read them!
Some highlights are:
Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations? Certainly—but only within a certain context. It’s good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 MSG
Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me—a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others. 1 Corinthians 7:7 MSG
Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. Ephesians 5:25-27 MSG
Let me say again, if you are in a relationship that does not model the above mentioned scriptures, if you are having a sexualized relationship with someone and power, manipulation and control are a dominating the experiences – then you need to remove yourself. Leave, ask for help, reach out at all costs. It will destroy you.
The thief (satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10
Make the sure the Shepherd you are following is the Right One, the Righteous One. Jesus said that those that have come before were thieves and robbers John 10:7. Don’t let them steal your life.
Throughout the beginning of time, Robert Kelly and others have come in disguise to shepherd, but they were thieves. Jesus is the Good Shepherd and is coming back for His people.
Lord, you have been our dwelling place throughout all generations. Psalm 90:1
We can mute Robert Kelly and others like him but 30 more will take his place. Evil was always here. The human experience and condition can be egregious and it often is. I feel fear for those that do not know who they are co-heirs with Christ Romans 8:17 and what is to come, But about that day or hour no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father – Mark 13:32. What will you be caught doing when Christ returns? Will He recognize you or say depart from me, I never knew you- Mark 7:23.
Take this docuseries as time to reflect. Reflect on our culture and where we have arrived. Reflect on your own life, have you contributed to a culture that makes sex arbitrary instead of sacred? Reduced it to just consensual instead of Holy.
Romans 3:10-12:
“None is righteous, no, not one;
11 no one understands;
no one seeks for God.
12 All have turned aside; together they have become worthless;
no one does good,
not even one.”
Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, 21 envy,[a] drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do[b] such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Galatians 5:19-24
Related Videos:
Rejection. Fear. Insecurity. Judgement. Inner Vows. Soul Ties. Shame. Identity. Sex. Freedom.
Please allow me to take you on a bit of a personal journey with me. I have just about always been a Christian but I became a Christ follower six years ago. You can scroll back in this blog and read for yourself the different landmarks of my journey from fornicating-party girl to celibate-small group leading-church girl. I have some links set up to help fill you in as I explain some things I have recently learned. After going through yet another transformative conference at a local church, (the same one I mention in a Lonely Girl’s Cry) more things have stood out to me.
First, it has been a quest to break a particular soul tie in my life. It started 10 years ago with a sinful situationship (The Purge). Although I’ve been healed since then and been celibate for five and a half years, there’s always been a pining in my heart for that person. Despite logic. Regardless of the prayers I have prayed for and against the desire. It’s been a secret to most. While recently watching The Heart of Man, as per the assignment in the online Journey into The Heart of Man curriculum, something one of the storytellers said was like a clue left for me to find. The person defined infatuation as: a projection of a fantasy onto another person. This is not how I have defined infatuation. This definition opened my eyes to see that is what I have done. My fantasy is what has kept me in the pursuit. The pastor teaching on soul ties explained we stay tied to a person through the physical, soul or spirit. The definition of soul (mind, will and emotions) was jumping off the page screaming for me to find yet another clue. I kept repeating mind, will, emotions, mind, will, emotions… will, will, will. The Holy Spirit allowed me to see that I kept myself attached to that person because I have put my will over God’s will. My mind and emotions have not been attached to that person in years but my will is what has remained attached. I see it so clearly now that I have willed this attachment into existence. Even to the point of making an inner vow and actually to God, “the only way I will stop wanting him is if he gets married or gets someone pregnant.” Now if this isn’t a bold declaration of my will to Yahweh, I don’t know what is. This is me telling God I will do my will first, then I will consider Yours. Sadly, I have yet to repent of this disobedience since coming to the realization. This is the first time I’m realizing what a terrible mistake I have made. I knew I was making an idol of that person and could tell you that I’ve apologized to God for thinking of that person more than HIM. But not only did I make that person an idol but obviously now I see I made an idol of myself. When we place our will above God’s will, we are making gods of ourselves. I for sure will be repenting of this.
Second, in Its Different for Girls, I wrote, “In front of him I was sand through his fingers. I wanted him to give me form.” During the session on Identity, this quote came to mind. I wanted him to give me form. That is very telling of the condition my heart used to be in. I could see that at one time I had been seeking significance through him. That is why I took the rejections so harshly. I used to imagine when you go to the produce section at the grocery store and you start picking up fruit. I felt like the apple that gets picked up for a couple of seconds but after a brief examination, its deemed unworthy to be purchased and taken home. Just a nobody apple. Nothing special. A faceless forgettable nobody. When we seek our identity in something other than Christ that is what we are led to see, a faceless forgettable nobody. There is nothing life giving outside of God’s will. Outside of God’s will there is no hope only despair.
Third, it stood out to me very clearly that I had held a judgement against that person. Throughout the conference we were given the task to keep track of anything (sins, memories, etc) we wanted to lay at the Cross on a blank paper in the workbook. After the session on Judgements, I wrote on the blank page, “Judgement- [man’s name]- is a selfish jerk.” Throughout that session the Holy Spirit was leading me to this truth: you only saw him as a selfish-jerk, through the lens of your rejection and insecurity, he was just another person living his life. Now I could recount all the details, replay conversations and words spoken, actions done which would lead you to determine that Yes, he was a selfish-jerk and poor me. However, within the massive context of my whole life and his whole life, we were people that collided and bruised one another, because we are broken humans. I projected my fear, insecurity and rejection onto him and it was a very real feeling to me. Every text ignored, every sexual encounter left open like a gaping wound in my heart left me with extreme feelings and racing thoughts. What I experienced was real but it was not the Truth of who I was, who he was or of what was taking place. I’m sure he is a good man. He most likely has a good heart, something I couldn’t see simply because all I could see was someone rejecting me and simply because he never showed it to me. I often tell women on my caseload that “most people, most of the time do not have ill intentions,” it us that perceive things differently than what may be actually happening. I want to emphasize that we must examine our hearts constantly to make sure we are seeing people for who God says they are, not who we tally them up to be.
Here’s where it gets interesting, before I attended this conference, I had a dream on October 21st. I woke up feeling strange. As my mind was warming up for the day, the pieces of my dream were coming together. I had dreamed that that person died. In my dream, I had read it in a newspaper article. I was trying to confirm it by finding a local newspaper article or asking people. When I woke up I went online to research what a death in a dream could mean. Some sites talked about transformation, re-birth, new life changes. I stopped there. I felt that God was speaking to me to say that the situation was dead and to leave at that. God was ending it for me. Since having this dream and discovering all these missing pieces, I know that it truly is up to me to lay my will aside. When I’m tempted to use my will to tie a shoestring back onto that person, it will be my conscious choice to do so or not.
God gave us free will to choose. He never said you’ll get to choose between two easy things. I’m finding out that our choices are usually between the deepest pit or the tallest mountain. Both look frightening. We often chase our temptations with vigor but pursue freedom as if we have already lost. We do a lack luster trot instead of a full run as if our life depends on reaching the finish line. I’m no runner, my goal for a 5k is to finish is under an hour. I have to change. We are a new creation in Christ. There should be nothing that resembles my old life, not even my inner life.
Lastly, it’s easy for some Christians to get freedom in some areas of their life but still remain shackled in other areas. I’m not one of those Christians, or at the very least, I maintain a firm hope that I will take as much freedom that God will allow. I believe Freedom isn’t given, it’s taken. It’s not given by those that hurt or oppress us. It’s taken from Alpha and Omega. Just like Grace is a free gift from the God that loves us, so is Freedom. Just as we exchange ashes for beauty, we can exchange bondage for freedom. You may find my statement freedom isn’t given, its taken…freedom is a free gift (which is implied a gift is given) as contradictory. I don’t see it as a contradiction. When you look at oppressed people throughout history or now, so often the oppressed outnumber the oppressors. Quite often those in bondage are shackled by nonphysical chains, but shackled by mental and emotional chains. Spiritual, financial are some others.
“As a man was passing the elephants, he suddenly stopped, confused by the fact that these huge creatures were being held by only a small rope tied to their front leg. No chains, no cages. It was obvious that the elephants could, at any time, break away from their bonds but for some reason, they did not.
He saw a trainer nearby and asked why these animals just stood there and made no attempt to get away. “Well,” trainer said, “when they are very young and much smaller we use the same size rope to tie them and, at that age, it’s enough to hold them. As they grow up, they are conditioned to believe they cannot break away. They believe the rope can still hold them, so they never try to break free.
The man was amazed. These animals could at any time break free from their bonds but because they believed they couldn’t, they were stuck right where they were.”
The elephant in the story thinks his freedom depends on those that tie the ropes but if the elephant knew that it was an Elephant with tree trunks for legs, it would exert just enough strength to pull that rope off of the spike.
If you knew that you were a Child of God, you could exert enough strength and praise to pull the shackles off the enemy’s vine.
The very last activity of the conference is a prayer tunnel, the pastors and leaders anoint you with oil and pray over you as you walk through with your eyes closed. You most often don’t remember everything that was said nor does anyone praying over you actually know what is going on in your inner life. However, the first thing that was said over me was straight from Heaven. A pastor said “bring freedom others.” As this was spoken to me, I immediately united with God to take this as the other part of my calling. (Read more in Be Brave). I’m called to free the captives and fortify the weak.
________________________________________________________________________________________
Must Watch: The Heart of Man film- https://heartofmanmovie.com/
My current reading: Unwanted by Jay Stringer- http://jay-stringer.com/
Worship: New Wine- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbJaM_EneMw&list=RDQbJaM_EneMw&start_radio=1
Confessions of a Recovering Feminist 