The Faux-Intimate Generation

As I was driving home from a work event I was listening to Clean by Natalie Grant. A memory came to the forefront and I figured I would have to write about it. I was trying to think of title but I didn’t like, “Don’t be a Cheapskate” or “How I knew I had to Stop having Sex.” Another song I like is a country song called Every Little Thing by Carly Pearce.

“Every little thing, I remember every little thing, the high the hurt the shine the sting of every little thing…”

I love it because I’m one those people that remembers. I remember those little things, all the things that never mattered to the other person.

One of the last times I slept with a particular person (about 5 years ago), I remember we didn’t use any protection. Surprise- Surprise. At that time, I was (pathetically) okay with it because I only did that with him. I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else nor did I want to. I was okay with there not being a boundary. I’m not condoning unprotected sex here but explaining my own poor choices.

The next days after, I realized we should have used protection because although I knew where I had been- I did not know where he had been. I could not account for what he was doing with other women or not doing with other women. He was a wild card. I decided to text him.

“Just so you know I only do that with you.”

His response went something like, “Yea me too…I’m clean…trust me.”

He asked if I was on the pill and I said no.

He said if I got the Plan B pill he would “reimburse” me.





I said I wasn’t worried about being pregnant and joked “we’ll see what happens in 9 months.”

He didn’t think it was funny.

I didn’t think REIMBURSE was funny. I didn’t think REIMBURSE was appropriate. I didn’t want his money. I didn’t like the way he so casually used the word REIMBURSE. How many other women had he REIMBURSED? Reimburse is not something you say to someone you slept with. Reimburse is reserved for business transactions. You get reimbursed for office supplies, mileage. You get reimbursed from petty cash when the vending machine won’t give you your Funyuns. I had been given money to purchase Plan B years prior and I vowed that would not be an experience I would repeat. (The Time I Went to the Abortion Clinic)

I was NOT a transaction.

But I was to him.

This exchange of communication was monumental in my quest. Right now, I can thank God for the word choice of that person. Obviously, it has stayed on my mind all these years. It was another reminder of why I could not keep sleeping with him or anyone. Especially as the times have changed and young men have become even more gluttonous for sex as women have become even more feral.
This is the generation of soul-less faux-intimate transactional sex.

I wondered if the new normal was to sleep with a girl unprotected, and then utilize Plan B as a plan a. Just reimburse her later. I remembered when I was younger the mantra was Do Not Get Pregnant. Do Not get a STD.

Had that changed? Had the plan changed so much in less than a decade?

It seems as though as the years pass on Responsibility has become an outdated tenet. How could that be? You would think that as we get older we get wiser.

As our culture has come to worship sex we’ve placed responsibility under personal self-indulgence.

We began to desire the benefits and none of the responsibility. Men and women equal in foolishness.

That *REIMBURSE* conversation led me to see that I had better get out of the game. The game had changed and it wasn’t for me anymore.

I never want to hear the word Reimburse from a man that I have been intimate with. God never intended for men to run amok reimbursing women for Plan Bs or abortions. He intended for men and women to make a covenant with Him at the center to care of one another. To represent Christ to one another. Anything short of that is faux-intimacy. It’s a foundation of quicksand, you lose your footing before you know it. You’ll be left feeling played and cheap. Don’t be a cheapskate. You’re worth more than $50 for Plan B or the $500 for an abortion.

Ladies, a man isn’t taking care of you by throwing money at what he or you may deem a “problem.” The problem happened before the conception. The problem is your lack of purity. You lack a firm and full understanding of who you are.

Men, what happened to you? When did you begin to sell out? Generations before you welcomed responsibility. Welcomed the opportunity to showcase your provision and protection. Being a man meant taking care of someone other than yourself.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her – Ephesians 5:25

Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. – Proverbs 31:31

Related Content:

Related Music:


Introverting as an INTJ female

The following is list of the inner details of my life. Only my closest people know some of these but I’ve been feeling bold lately so I’m sharing even more. Enjoy or not.

-drink coffee

-envision the next time I’ll get to drink coffee

-get excited for future events

-Pinteresting my heart out

-pre-plan future hobbies

-watch X-Files

-never asking a store employee for help finding anything

-get cozy …alone

-question use of social media because the CIA

-feel conflicted about SnapChat because the CIA- but love the filters because they give me long eyelashes

-vow to never send in my DNA for purposes of determining ancestry because the CIA and FEMA camps

-examine emotions under a microscope

-try to figure out how to be vulnerable

-make lists

-listening to what people say and what they dont say

-spurts of productivity

-longer spurts of analyzing everything

-creating conversation scripts that people don’t follow

-send email and immediately go to sent box- reread email I sent 10 times

-deliberate if I said everything in the correct way in the email

– spend an hour trying to find the right genre of music for my mood

-never have Kleenex in my office for when people cry

-vow to buy Kleenex

-go to store- never buy Kleenex

-type multiple sentence reply- erase it all-send one word reply

-think in terms of memes, movies, songs, Youtube videos, conspiracy “theories,” Key & Peele skits, Portlandia skits

-imagine as if I would have to explain the modern world to George Washington

-daydream of adventures

-never be spontaneous

-scared the Holy Spirit will make me do something I wasn’t expecting

-screenshot cute outfits that I will never buy

-have an arsenal of memes ready to go

-daydream of Bae -Tom Hardy

-have an arsenal of Tom Hardy pics ready for me to insert my face

-organize the clothes in my closet in color order

-have delightful conversation with someone- later determine that I said too much- now they know too much

-not read texts or Facebook messages right way—go into app to read the first line

-write down what to say before making an important phone call

-put off making phone call for 6 hours

-hope call goes to voicemail

-suspect someone following me if they make too many same turns

-cards in wallet are face down so other people can’t see my information

-love escape room games and picture find games

-love documentaries

-listen to music almost 15 hours per day

-buy books

-read 3 books at time

– tv viewing varies from X-Files to Hart of Dixie

-music varies from Billie Holiday to Bizzle to Romeo Santos to Lauren Daigle to Miranda Lambert to Five Finger Death Punch

– want to go on a date – don’t want to talk to a stranger

-want to stay home everyday because people

-have a calling on my life to reach the broken and hurting -have to pep talk myself out of bed

– love public speaking

-hate small talk

-get energized from deep heavy conversations

-zone out when i’m too peopled

-strategize how i would escape being kidanapped

-live everyday out of my comfort zone


No Clever Title: Reasons Why I don’t Drink

The last time I drank was over a couple (or over three) years ago. It was during the winter sometime and there was going to be a Snowmageddon. Schools were closing, businesses were closing. Everyone was at the grocery store the night before buying up all the bottled water and whatever else they deemed essential. If schools were closed, then I technically did not have to go in to work either. So knowing I would not be going to work the next day and understanding that I would be snowed in my apartment, I bought my essentials. I bought a cheap tube of instant cinnamon rolls, a 2L of Cherry Coke, and a bottle of White Zinfandel. I decided that I would just drink & chill at home, ya know- Relax. That night I poured my first glasses of wine while listening to music. Soon, the songs turned sad. Then, one sad song on repeat as I continued refilling my glasses until the bottle was about gone. I zeroed in on sad memories of the past [involving my favorite subject- him]. Definition: him that I wanted the sunmoonstars from and him that didn’t want me two nights consecutively; him that ignored me for weeks or months after sleeping with me; him that I allowed to break my heart over and over without every telling him; him that I hadn’t see for a few years him. So basically I got myself drunk, listened to sad music while crying- then finally cried myself to sleep.

WoW. So EXXXXXXTRA. The next day I woke up and began putting all the scenes together. I couldn’t believe the pathetic script that played the night before. I realized had it not been for the alcohol, my night would’ve been a nice evening, no drama. I decided that was last sign I needed to know why I shouldn’t drink anymore.

The thoughts had been coming for a while by then. In my early and mid-twenties, I partied at clubs, bars and house parties. I drank more than I should and spent more than I should. Drinking and driving was common. As I got older drinking became more a “team bonding” activity with coworkers after work. We would go to a nearby bar to vent about work and share laughs. This only happened once per week maybe twice. We all had a few drinks, vented, laughed and went home at closing time. Every once and awhile, the sorority sisters wanted a night out at a club. I would go but the club life wasn’t for me anymore. After about an hour I was ready to get out the heels and into my pajamas.

While out at a bar a friend would take a picture of our drinks and post to Facebook. Sometimes friends would tag me in the location. While being a church attending and small group attending Christian at the time, I didn’t like the tagging and the posting. I felt exposed. I thought, “Don’t tag me here, I don’t want people to know I’m here.” Immediately after thinking ‘I don’t want anyone to know I’m here’- I thought “then why are you here?”

If you don’t want anyone to know you are here, then why are you here?

That’s a good question. Just like that- I was convicted. I discovered I had a double life. It wasn’t that polar opposite but there was a line drawn somewhere. I knew I didn’t want two different lives to lead. I knew what I wanted and I knew that something wasn’t fitting. But I didn’t make any moves just yet.

The bar life comes with certain sub-activities. Sub-activities like playing darts or shooting pool. My sub-activity was Judging or like some people call it- people watching. For some reason there’s nothing like sitting at the bar, drinking your drinks and harshly judging everyone else in the bar. Ripping them to shreds with your thoughts, thinking things I would never tell them out loud. Judging the guys and girls being obnoxious, talking loudly for no reason, the people that think they are walking straight but they are clearly swaying with each stride, the shy men secretly watching the girl barely clothed. I’m sure you’ve witnessed the silliest, wildest things in bars. I was sitting on the bar stool thinking that I was better than everyone else there [aside from my friends]. I was deciding who these people were and they were never worthy of much in my elevated state. I looked at these other people as if they had a sadder more pathetic life than mine. All these people had was this bar… I had more of whatever they didn’t have. But a new thought came more than once.

You think you’re not like everyone else in here, but you are here with them.

Interesting. I am here with them. So how I am so different? Better? I was convicted in a second layer of understanding. How could I sit here and judge these people if I am one of them? I couldn’t. I needed to stop.

So I did.

Our friend group hit a lull and hadn’t gone to the bar some weeks or so. One day, my coworker said how we all needed to go out one night soon. I didn’t respond and remained focused on my task. The pause was awkward and then he said, “You don’t drink anymore do you?” This took me by surprise but he’s a smart guy. I looked up and said ”No. I’ve been convicted lately.” He understood because he is also a Christian. He was supportive and praised me.

This was the New Thing God was doing. In fact, He did it already. Something about my spirit communicated to my friend that I didn’t drink anymore. I hadn’t told anyone these thoughts I was having. I just lived my authentic life each day of the year after that. I knew I didn’t want separate lives. I knew that I would choose whom I serve every day with my actions. I knew that me drinking alcohol in bars or clubs didn’t bring glory to God. I knew drinking at home in my apartment didn’t bring glory to God. I knew me drinking led to thoughts I didn’t need to think. Whether, harsh criticisms of others or sad broken hearted thoughts of the past. Neither brought glory to the Audience of One. None of my alcohol induced behaviors brought glory to the One that Saved Me, didn’t testify to His Authority over my life.

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 25 For whoever would save his life[a] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.                              Matthew 16:24-25

This verse stood out during that time in my life. I knew the Holy Spirit had called me out. The Advocate had pointed out some inconsistencies in my life and gave them bullet points. Give it up and follow Him.

Yes I did like alcohol and on any given day still do. My flesh likes the taste of certain drinks and beers. There are fun and sad memories tied to alcohol. Specific years of my life are forever linked with alcohol. When I go to restaurants the thought of ordering alcohol drinks still passes over me. When at the grocery store or gas station I still consider buying something to take home. Sometimes, in the middle of a stressful day I think ironically ‘I need a drink.” The point is, my desire hasn’t left but my commitment to follow through is not there. I may have these thoughts but I don’t act on them. I let them be thoughts and that’s it. We always have the final say.

This may be easy for me to say because I never was addicted to alcohol. Those with addictions have to put in more personal work to conquer sobriety. The last and final reason I don’t drink is because I do not want to be a hypocrite. I know people that have addictions, whether they acknowledge it or not- I see it. I’ve seen it begin and spread. I had a couple friends that really struggled with alcohol. I knew that I couldn’t speak to their addiction because I was actively drinking with them. By cutting out alcohol I’m prepared to spot the truth and live a life that can speak truth into others. You won’t be able to tell me that I’m doing the same thing as you as justification for you to do the same thing you’ve always done.

How can I tell them they drink too much or they have an actual drinking problem if I’m drinking with them?

One friend tearfully confessed to me in our mid-twenties that she hated the way alcohol felt in her body. This confession came in the middle of a night out in the center of Kansas City’s Power and Light District. One friend passed away from alcohol poisoning though his family and friends have never admitted it. Years prior, my friend (from the Power and Light District story) and I took a case of beer to his home. We hung out and while we were on a 3rd beer he had already chugged down almost 10 stacking them up like a tower. He died in 2011 after a night out, alone on the kitchen floor.

So there you have it. Reasons why I don’t drink.

‘I have the right to do anything,’ you say – but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’– but I will not be mastered by anything.     I Corinthians 6:12





You triggered my insecurity

With your breath
by your voice tone
Hitting the airways
The way you
Didn’t look at me
Though i guess you wanted to
The way you
Played it all cool
Til it was just ice
Touching my skin
The way you
Ignored my ridiculous
The ones that said Hey
The ones i sent trying
To get an appointment
In your mind
Even if it couldn’t be in
Your heart
The way you
The way you laughed
It all triggered my insecurities
The way you
Wouldn’t answer my insecure- girl questions
The way you left my house
And later my apartment
The way you walked out of my door frame
The way you never called me
The way you’d come back
As if months hadnt passed
I was just an insecure girl
Covered in make up
And pomp
I didnt know how to treat a man
How to get along with a man
You triggered my insecurities
You were unimpressed with me
You had your fill of me
And there wasnt much left
I always wanted to
Break free
But i was just a scared insecure girl
With gaudy plans
I was too proud to show up
So i stayed inside to cry
give up
 let pain be done to me.