I’m no stranger to heartbreak. I’m no stranger to disappointment. I’m no stranger to not being chosen by someone.
Just because I’m familiar, though, doesn’t mean I am those things. I will not bond with those things anymore. We are acquaintances but we dont have to be friends.
Yes, they are things that have happened but its not who I am.
Up until this month, my narrative had always been: they [guys] never stay, they always leave, they never choose me, I’m the one left with all the feelings.
On October 1st, I couldn’t fall asleep. I sat up in bed and began talking with God. I wrote in my journal my narrative. That old script. I also wrote down a prayer that I’ve always prayed. My old life revolved around whatever guy I was pining for at the moment and when things weren’t working out I would always pray:
Please God, take him away if he’s not from you.
I would most often be crying out to God, literally crying and in the middle of the physical manifestation of my heart breaking. I would even make the gesture with my hands and arms giving something away, lifting it up toward heaven.
Take this away if its not from you. Take it. Take it away. I dont want it if its not from you.
I cannot count how many times I’ve prayed that. Each time in depth and sincerity. I didn’t see it as God ever answering my prayer when “they always left” until that night.
God spoke to me and said, “You asked me to take them away… I DID.”
I’m still digesting that.
It feels good to be in my flesh and be sad. It satifies, in a sick way, to be the one thats broken hearted. A pain that satifies the flesh. It feels good to be justified that I’m the one that always hurts.
This is what happens to me.
I’m the one with the broken heart when the other person just nonchalantly walks away like I’ve always been no one and nothingness.
They always leave me. They always choose someone else. They never choose me.
We eventually dry our tears and the narratives so entrenched within us lie dormant. Things seem well until we meet someone new. Or are they new? A different face with a different name but the same injury waits for us up ahead.
I’m telling you today the wounds dont have to be the same.
When God told me, “I DID,” it was also him saying, I AM THAT I AM – Exodus 3:14.
I AM and I DID.
That sentence is a whole sermon by iteself.
My God is Supreme.
Revelation 4 says,
After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here, and I will show you what must take place after this.” 2 At once I was in the Spirit, and there before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. 3 And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. 4 Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. 5 From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. In front of the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits 6 Also in front of the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal.
In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back. 7 The first living creature was like a lion, the second was like an ox, the third had a face like a man, the fourth was like a flying eagle. 8 Each of the four living creatures had six wings and was covered with eyes all around, even under its wings. Day and night they never stop saying:
“‘Holy, holy, holy
is the Lord God Almighty,
who was, and is, and is to come.”
9 Whenever the living creatures give glory, honor and thanks to him who sits on the throne and who lives for ever and ever, 10 the twenty-four elders fall down before him who sits on the throne and worship him who lives for ever and ever. They lay their crowns before the throne and say:
11 “You are worthy, our Lord and God,
to receive glory and honor and power,
for you created all things,
and by your will they were created
and have their being.”
That Someone sitting on a throne of what could only be described as *like jewels, rainbows, lightning and thunder with creatures saying Holy, holy, holy day and night is the same person that spoke to me in the dark, “I DID.”
My imagination took me 100 steps ahead of course. I had to make the wise effort to keep my feet on the ground. I had the impulse to uncage my feelings but never heard God tell me to. I had some ups and downs because I battled those old narravtives, old triggers, not so old insecurities. When my cup got bumped I noticed insecure thoughts bubbled up causing me to revert to suspicion and defense. I was surprised how fast these old scripts showed up, often instantaneously.
I told myself, whether he’s a good guy[doesn’t hurt me] or a bad guy [hurts me], he isnt my responsibility. I am responsible for my own choices and responses. Even if this turns into nothing, God is Good and God is Good to me.
During some insecure moments the Holy Spirit convicted me.
“So this person you’ve known for like 5 minutes is gona make or break you? What about God? All HE has taught you through these past years? All this time, just you and Him? Means nothing?”
The Holy Spirit doesn’t sugar coat.
I was wrestling with my insecurities daily and unexpectedly.
I’ve been single for a long time and communicating with someone stirred up some things I needed to address. Issues that I assumed were not there.
Today, I feel good knowing I can go toe to toe with insecurity and old narratives.
God came into lies with His truth.
They didnt leave you. I removed them because you aligned your will with mine. You spent many years being double-minded and it caused confusion and sad feelings, but now you see. I’ve peeled a layer of scales from your eyes and you see what I see.
Confessions of a Recovering Feminist 