A little Melancholy never hurt nobody

So last night….doesnt any good story start with, “so last night…”? Im right it does. I went to a poetry show called Poets in Autumn. I have never been to a poetry show and I most definitely plan to go to this one again. The artists have been touring together for some years now. They are musicians, singers and authors and influential leaders. They all love Christ and expressed the nuances and intricacies of what relationship with Jesus feels like. How it manifests in the personal and the social. Overall I loved the experience.

It reminded me that I do dabble in the expression of words. As a young person I always had a notebook of poems. Most filled with melancholy and sometimes rage. Much of my creative writing focused on whichever boy was the object of my infatuation and pain at the time. I did throw away a lot notebooks and journals in effort to rid myself of soul ties. Read A Lonely Girl’s Cry.

But in recent years I have been writing some short pieces in my notes in my phone. All but one are old. God has a way of bringing you into seasons of beauty if you lay your ashes at His altar. I believe the fragrance of your past burning is a sweet smell of worship to the Father.

Today while creativity and expression are still potent, I decided to share those pieces here. Just like in my post All the Songs I Like are Sad, so it seems true for my poetry! Maybe one day I will sing a New song but for now this is what once was.

______________________

May 16, 2017

Saturday nights

Were always reserved

Just for you

Tonights no different

What do you do

When youre lonely?

I think of you

But i suppose

You think of her.

I just wanna be

Beautiful for you.

Feeling like

a train

That’s not on route.

Summer nights

Were reserved for you

Thunder and lightening

I just want you

Everytime

Night air on my legs

Reaching for my hand

In the crowds

Was my favorite

Part.

I didn’t know you

At 18 but i wish

We woulda met then

It coulda been perfect

In some other life.
_________________________

June 27, 2017

You triggered my insecurity

With your breath

Just by your voice tone

Hitting the airways

The way you

Didn’t look at me

Though i guess you wanted to

The way you

Played it all cool

Til it was just ice

Touching my skin

The way you

Ignored my ridiculous

texts

The ones that said Hey

The ones i sent trying

To get an appointment

In your mind

Even if it couldn’t be in

Your heart

The way you

Smiled

The way you laughed

It all triggered my insecurities

The way you

Wouldn’t answer my insecure- girl questions

The way you left my house

And later my apartment

The way you walked out of my door frame

The way you never called me

The way you’d come back

As if months hadnt passed

I was just an insecure girl

Covered in make up

Perfume

And pomp

I didnt know how to treat a man

How to get along with a man

You triggered my insecurities

You were unimpressed with me

You had your fill of me

And there wasnt much left

I always wanted to

Break free

But i was just a scared insecure girl

With gaudy plans

I was too proud to show up

So i stayed inside to cry

give up

let pain be done to me.

___________________________

July 9, 2017

I just want to look at him

And say Dont You Want to be 17 Again?

Before your heart was shattered

Before sex left you empty

Before you knew not to trust

When love was an exotic location

Somewhere in the universe

Dripping down your fingertips

When smiles were currency

Holding hands was awkwardly exciting

Jagged Edge and Faith Evans on

Midnight Love

Talking on the house phone all night

Writing letters in notebooks

Signing 2 u 4rm me

Airbrush t- shirts with our names on ’em

Not afraid of what anyone would say

___________________________

August 12, 2017

You must have known

You must have known

Couldnt you tell?

Couldnt you see?

Didn’t you feel it in my kiss

Didn’t you feel it in my body

My heart rupturing

Exploding onto your chest

Did my soul ever reach yours?

Did you see even a single tear?

I know at least one spilled out

did you feel it in the atmosphere?

Could you ever hear the lumps of heartbreak

I swallowed

Could you ever hear the silent fears

escaping my brain

Fears streaming like a social media timeline

Did you ever notice

me

My inside me

Did you ever stay up late

wondering about the inside of me

Even just once?

Didn’t you want to feel?

Didn’t you want to want it?

Could you still

With me?

__________________________

February 5, 2018

Its hard

Living life in the shell

Behind the glass

You survive

But no one knows.

__________________________

September 12, 2018

The hardest pill

To swallow

Is that im not yours

Youre not mine

And God never told me

You were mine

You never wanted me

And still dont

Because this has been

All in my head

All these years

You havent reached out

In years

And im always watching

My notifications

Youre with someone

And shes prettier

Thinner

And even thats

Not enough motivation

For me to stop

Disregarding portion sizes

And i feel ridiculous

For even still keeping my head up

In public in case you walk by

We’re in the same city

But universes away

I hope i dont run into you

While you’re with her

I wouldnt recover

I hate that im jealous

That i once had your attention

If only for a night

I hate that i settled for your crumbs

I thought it would pay off

One day and youd choose me

But all these days prove

I was grossly mistaken

Thats not how it works

Is it sad my biggest dream in life

Is a man proposing to me?

I cant imagine it because

90% of me doubts itll be reality

And sometimes im mad at God

I feel forgotten about

Like David with the sheep

All the other girls get lined up

Presented as the best

And no one even invited me

Everyone’s life is picking up speed

But mine is unwitnessed

No one sees me

No one comes for me

No one comes

How can i not want this?

How can be relieved from this?

This plague

__________________________

December 24, 2018

I don’t have much to offer

This is what ill say

If you look twice at me.

Im not who i used to be

Somehow i still think *that

is who’d you’d like,

But not the TodayMe.

The TodayMe is awkward in crowds

Rigidly shy in moments i unexpected.

The TodayMe is invisible

Like how no one could ever imagine

Clark Kent is Superman.

The TodayMe almost walks with my head down

secretly hoping someone sees me but doesn’t.

The TodayMe deeply desires to be noticed

but you’d never notice.

The TodayMe thinks in monologues that’ll never be heard.

The TodayMe cant offer you much.

The TodayMe wouldnt know what to say if you spoke in my direction.

The TodayMe wouldnt know what to do if you wanted to see me outside of our meeting spot.

The TodayMe cant escape the pangs of insecurity by letting you take my clothes off.

The TodayMe fears i’d rather stay alone.

The TodayMe might just stand at the bus stop all my life.

__________________________

September 2, 2019

Im trying

My best

But you dont know.

Lies are coming at me

About you

But

If its true then whos lying?

Im trying not to see you

With the lenses of my past

Guys who dont care

Guys that ignore me

Guys that stay but only for a night.

Im hoping thats not you

But i dont know you.

If youre the real deal

Then i want you

If youre playing games

Then NO.

Im fighting my own thoughts

Waring against you.

Id like to know

Im making the right decisions

maybe im just being stupid.

Because those types of things dont

Happen for me.

Guys leave,

Thats what happens to me.

They throw me back

And fish for someone else

Put me in the discard pile

And draw another card.

_________________________

Vulnerability

Recently God allowed me to see that although I have been esteemed for being able to remain objective in many situations in my life it has come as a detriment in matters of the heart. I’ve been called diplomatic by friends and coworkers. I’m most often level headed and keep my cool in intense moments. For the most part, this way of being has proven successful in work and interpersonal relationships. I can be counted on for sound advice and am able to see things from all angles. I’m very good at helping others talk through their own troubles, offering a non-judging and safe atmosphere in my presence. How could this be a detriment to my own life?

I’m unsure if I’m naturally objective or if events in early childhood molded me to remain on the outside, looking in. Growing up, I always felt that way. As if I were looking at everyone through a window. Even the songs, “Looking In” and “Outside” by Mariah Carey were so on point when I heard them as a teenager. As I have grown older, I suppose I honed this feeling into a skill that became very useful to me.

Except for defining moments in my life when remaining objective wasn’t what the moment called for. Showing up as my personal self was what I should have done but didn’t know how. Instead I shut down at a psychological crossroads. Unable to break through the window to the other side. I felt strapped down by own hands unable to show up and let myself be known.

It wasn’t until the past few months that I was able to make this connection. I see now that although remaining objective is a valuable skill, there are times where I will not be able to remain objective. There are moments that involve the personal self, which will have its own bias and narratives. Expressing them will be equal in value.

During the past few years, God and I have talked about vulnerability. I’ve asked “what does it look like to be vulnerable?” I told God that He would have to reveal to me what vulnerability would look like in a particular moment. I often think it must mean crying in front of someone, which I don’t ever want to do. I see though, it may look like disclosing information to someone that I normally wouldn’t share. It could be sharing my opinion when I normally would back down. It could be reaching out and asking a friend to pray for me when I feel overwhelmed. It can look like sharing my dreams and articulating me fears. It can and will look like many different things. I just know that I’m ready now. I know I cannot remain detached and objective at all times. The things I want out of life require me to not be who I am today. I have to step into a new version of me each day. These daily decisions require me to trust a Loving God.

10 This is what the Lord says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

Jeremiah 29:11 is often quoted by itself but it is not a stand alone verse. This was spoken by Jeremiah and behalf of the Lord regarding those in exile in Babylon. I’m sure it didn’t feel good to be in Babylon and would’ve been hard to see God had plans to prosper them. Being out of your comfort zone doesn’t feel good. It can be hard to see the good plans that God has for you when you feel so uncomfortable. The past few months I have been out of my comfort zone in a number of ways. I’m sure and unsure of what the future holds. Whether I feel comfortable or not, God is sovereign.