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Incognito

Incognito:

(of a person) having one’s true identity concealed.

synonyms: under an assumed name, under a false name, in disguise, disguised, under cover, in plain clothes, camouflaged

God recently spoke to me about coming out of hiding,

Come out of your hiding places so that you can’t rely on them anymore.

I imagine the character, Oliver Queen (Green Arrow of DC Comics). Back to when he had been abandoned on the island. After becoming aware that he was supposed to be a dead and that there were villains sent to kill him, he began to hide. He hid in a variety of places. He hid to survive. Oliver Queen was hiding from the real threat of death and torture.

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We hide from the real or perceived threat of hurt, rejection, shame and insecurity.

Why hide? We are afraid to be broken and we desire to save face in the presence of those threats.

Last fall I read Uninvited (Lysa Turkeurst), Unashamed (Christine Caine) and Without Rival (Lisa Bevere). The major themes were rejection, shame and God’s unique love for us as individuals. Uninvited led to a revelation of my deep needs to feel noticed and safe.

At our human core we are self-protectors and hiders. Adam and Eve tried to protect themselves from the sight of their nakedness and sin. They hid in the Garden from God unsuccessfully.

We have yet to perfect this hiding game. God beckons us out of our hiding places.

In December, I wrote in my journal:

Whats so hard with telling someone how you really feel? Why is rejection so terrifying? Why does rejection hurt so badly? So deeply? Whats so hard about showing your real feelings? With letting someone see you cry? Whats so hard about telling someone you hurt my feelings? Why are all of those things so scary? Why am I so afraid of those? Whats so hard about being vulnerable? I don’t know how to not hide. I don’t know how to come out of hiding.

The next day, God spoke to me about saving face. He said,

You want to save face, I AM your face.

I said Whhaaaa? I’m still trying to really grasp what He meant.

The concept of “saving face” has its roots in Chinese culture [when you search Google]. I know its roots go way back. The Chinese “saving face” is a way to avoid humiliation for yourself or for someone else. Using this definition, I could say I’m trying to save myself from humiliation. A synonym of humiliate is shame or making someone feel ashamed. So here we have arrived at Shame once again. Shame always causes us to hide.

Though we try to avoid shame, humiliation, rejection, incompetency, inability, inadequacy

God takes those away and makes us delightful, honored, acceptedcompetent, able, adequate.

I am your dwelling place       Deuteronomy 33:27

One night in January, I couldnt get to sleep. I got out of bed and ate a bowl of cereal. Looking around my living room I read a sign I have up that says,

The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still.      Exodus 14:14

I began seeing it in a very new way. Often times, we focus on the “be still” portion of this scripture. Telling ourselves to chill out- Gods got this. This time I saw the “The Lord will fight for you” even larger and bolder than ever before. The Lord…will FIGHT. FIGHT for ME. Little ‘ol me. I began to pray,

Father God, please fight for me. I release me. I release me from the duty to fight for myself. I invite you, the Holy Spirit to fight for me.

Tears fell. Tears I didn’t know were ready to be released. God has been speaking to me for years about these issues. My way of having my emotions controlled. I most often, feel the safest when alone. Though I have close relationships with a small (tiny) group of people, I continue to stay retreated within myself.

“I can allow the Holy Spirit to become my defense mechanism (p. 88, Unashamed).”

Last week, I began to think of the story in Matthew 14 of the disciples on a boat during the night. We are often amazed at the story. Just before dawn, the disciples saw someone on the water. They thought it was a ghost! Jesus told them “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Peter told Jesus, if it really is you “tell me to come to you on the water.”  Jesus does tell him to come out onto the water. Peter gets out of the boat but upon looking down at the water gets a little freaked and Jesus steps in and keeps him above the water.

WoW.

Lets back up though. Matthew 14:28 tells us that Peter told Jesus to tell him to come out onto the water.

!!!WHAT??? I would never have said that. First, because I do have a fear of deep water, drowning and very large sea creatures swallowing me. I would have been one of the disciples that was not talking, trying to camouflage with the boat. I would have hoped that Jesus was a ghost so I didn’t have to get out of that boat! Peter didn’t hide. He didn’t retreat in fear. Jesus beckoned him out of the boat. Out of safety – because He was the Safety. He was the boat, the safety net, the refuge.

He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.    Psalm 91:2

I recently listened to a short webcast from a woman named, Jennifer LeClaire. She prophesied, “Emerge from your Cave.”

The notes I took were yet another addition to this entire message from God to me.

-look upon God’s face

-dont look at their face – look upon Mine

-emerge from the cave, cave dwellers

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I’m coming out the caves. I’m revealing my hiding spots so that I can’t go back to them. In the moments to come when I feel like retreating, defending myself against the threats of hurt, rejection, shame and insecurity I will rely on the Lord. It will be a case by case basis because I don’t know what exactly I’m in for. I will show up though. I wont play it safe from inside the caverns. I’m aware the only way to achieve this is to take myself out of the equation and yield it to the Holy Spirit. Less of me, more of HIM.

 

(Unashamed- Christine Caine)

“Always keep in mind you are accepted by God.”    – John Eckhardt

Related Reading:

Uninvited by Lysa Turkeurst

Unashamed by Christine Caine

Without Rival by Lisa Bevere

Related Video:

Related Music:

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Journaling, Quick Read, Transformation

Creatures

“God take these chains off of me, take the chains off of my heart off my body off my brain. Take these chains Take these chains off of me. God take these chains. These chains of consequences.

he raped my heart now I’m dealing with the consequences of low self-esteem no confidence. I gave him full reign on my body & mind. It’s all over now, it’s gotta be over. Cuz there’s no other way.”                                                                                               July 7, 2010

 

I wrote that in a journal I found in a box in my closet, literally and figuratively. A box inside my closeted soul. I wrote in the Purge how there was a time in my life where I teetered the line of crazy. That post was centered on a particular individual and the merry-go-round I rode with him.

This post however, I want to focus on myself.

I sat on the floor in my room reading these excruciating types of entries, recalling the events or being shocked at events I never remembered. Texting him in the middle of the night “delete my number and forget about me” and “tell me to stop talking to you.” Most going unanswered, unacknowledged driving me even madder. Never in a million years would I have ever admitted to being that crazy girl. In fact, I had like most people remembered the past as I chose to. Glossing over my own poor behavior and over emphasizing the poor behavior in the other person. After a text was ignored I wrote how I cried “all night” or “until I feel asleep.” This scenario saturated my journal.

I began to cry myself. Six years later, I am 31 years old and so far removed from the person I once was. My heart broke for the young me. Someone so lost. Lost in someone else. Lost in reality. I cried and apologized to God for not knowing Him then. I know YOU now though. You came for me, you never stopped coming for me. I felt shaken to my core.

I never truly saw the cage I was in until the other night reading page of page of utter nonsense. Pages of illogical and immature behavior. I was caged up in insecurity and rejection. An embalmed cycle.

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I told God later, I forgive him [the guy] even though I already have. Just in case there is something still there and I don’t know it. I release him. I forgive myself.

As I continued to process my thoughts and raw emotions, I believe God told me that it was not him [the guy] – it was not flesh and blood but principalities at work.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”    Ephesians 6:12

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only LIGHT drives out darkness. I was in some of the darkest rooms stumbling around, trying to find my way, getting bumped and bruised. The enemy liked me in the dark. Falling down and grasping, hurting myself. My sense of self hanging on the whims of another person [the idea of the other person]. Clouds and storms of dysfunction in between us. Looking back, I now believe there was only a small fraction of our real selves that were present with one another. We came to the surface sporadically only to retreat in fear moments later. What a sad way to live your life.

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The old me died a while ago, specifically on May 31, 2015 when I was baptized. I am a NEW creature and NEW thing in Christ.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”   2 Corinthians 5:17

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”     Isaiah 43:19

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.”      Romans 6:4

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—“     Romans 6:6

“Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”     Romans 6:12-14

new_creature_in_christ_by_marlacalandradesigns-d3hnpdz.jpgRelated Music: 

Once and For All- Lauren Daigle


 

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