Response: Why Men Aren’t Really Men Anymore

I found an article on Elite Daily and decided to post it along with my commentary. My comments are in bold and I also blocked out a couple of words for decency.


Why Men Aren’t Really Men Anymore

There was once a time when men used to be real men. When they dressed with style, when they had a certain honor code they followed that involved treating not only their elders and each other with respect, but women alike. Unfortunately, those days are far- gone — a thing of the past. What we have now is… to be quite honest, I’m not sure.

*You have Manboys. Or Boymen. Boys that have not been required to grow up and become men. They have been rewarded by women (which usually was a big motivator) for their perpetual boyhood. With the rise of the Independent Woman and feminism, women everywhere don’t want a guy to pay for their dates. Women now believe that sex and money are the great equalizers.

There are of course certain men out there who still have their affairs in order, but we are few in number. What people are most often subject to is the company of boys who are refusing to grow up and man up — boys who prefer to play with their toys than to do their part in bettering society, the human race and the world as a whole. These poor excuses for men have the bodies of adults and the mentalities, as well as the social outlook of toddlers. Horny toddlers, but toddlers nonetheless.

*Back in the day, men had to have a house to bring a wife home to. He had to ask her parents if he could marry her. It wasn’t a tradition, it was a real thing. He had to show her parents that he could take care of her, that he had somewhere for her to live and that he had a profession that would generate a livelihood. A man didn’t bring his wife to his parent’s home to live as a quartet. As a man, you leave your father and mother and start your own family. A different household. With cohabitation as the norm, so many of us verging 30somethings are apartment dwellers. Men are no longer cleaning out gutters, mowing the lawn and raking the leaves because well, that’s what the maintenance crew is for. Men have more time to sit around and think they still have time.

It’s all about character — or in this case, the lack of character. Something has been happening during this era dubbed the “information age.” Social media platforms have taken away the need to interact face to face, taking away the need for actual interaction. This is great in many regards: you can now keep in touch with friends and family all over the world from a handheld device.

*I believe social media has allowed us to create personas of ourselves. There’s many people I see sharing quotes about God, then sharing quotes from Facebook pages like Boss B****. Raunchy jokes, memes that condemn dead-beat dads, then quotes talking about what a “real relationship” is. Everyone wants to look good on social media, buts it’s what is in the heart that really shines through the surface. You can claim to a mature person but when you go straight to venting online and typing out cuss words, your true colors show. It also creates superficial interactions. Your true character will not be formed through social media interactions, it will be formed through your real struggles in life. Who are you when no one is looking? What decisions are you making when no one can see? Who are without your timeline? What would you have in your life without your social media accounts?

However, much of the interpersonal confrontations are now also taking place online. People no longer feel that they have a need to meet in person to discuss their differences; they can now troll each other online. People are using the Internet as a shield, hiding behind IP addresses in order to speak their minds. The Internet acts like beer-muscles. It makes you believe that you are stronger than you actually are, making you more aggressive. There is nothing wrong with being aggressive when circumstances require it.

Personally, when my fight or flight response mechanism kicks in, I always go with fight. It’s not by choice; it’s just the way that I am wired. Online, people have no need to run away because they are already in hiding — so they always choose to “fight.” Although the fighting they do is just about as significant as the fighting I do when I play Call of Duty.

The same interaction from beneath cover can be seen when we look at the intercommunication between men and women. It is no secret that both men and women alike have sexual urges. Men, however, feel the need to get off more often than most women. So instead of having to spend the time to meet a real woman and have actual sexual intercourse, they watch porn.

Instead of going out into the real world and meeting women, they stalk women on Instagram. People now date online as well. It’s much easier to talk to a woman online than it is in person—or rather, it’s not that it’s easier. Both are just as easy, but for some reason, men now prefer to hide their faces behind their monitors. (Every time I use the term ‘men’ in such context I quiver) It’s out of fear and laziness. Men have become lazy  I don’t even want to use the word  because it brings to mind women, who nowadays have much more character than men.

*I have been the lucky gal that discovered the fact that some guys just want a Facebook relationship or a Texting relationship. These are relationships where you text or message each other and even send cute pics. You may really enjoy and like the person, however, without a phone or other device your relationship is basically non-existent. Somehow, many people seem to enjoy such arrangement. They don’t really have to participate. No one has to “make time” for someone else. You can keep your daily routine full intact. Why do you think Catfishing is a thing? You get to engage but keep your real-self untouched.
As a teenager, not everyone had a cell phone. You had to actually call a person on their house-phone and ask to speak with them. You had to work up the nerve to follow through without hanging-up after the second ring. You had to work out all the kinks of your brain-to-mouth process and practice your social skills.

To get to know someone you liked, you actually had to hang-out with them. You had to go over their house after school or on the weekend to sit paranoid on their couch and just be very thirsty until they finally offered you something to drink. Now, we rarely experience these situations because we spend so much time behind our screens. My first boyfriend, would walk roughly 7 miles from his house to see me after school. It also wasn’t uncommon for him to walk from his house to mine roughly 6 miles to see me. Now, guys expect you to find a way to come to their place “just to kick it.” Are you serious?

As a teen, I remember friends of mine had to live under phone rules. Boys were not allowed to call them at all. To talk to a boy on the phone another girl would have to call and ask for her then give the phone to the boy. Other rules included no phone calls after a certain time. As teens, we thought these rules were ridiculous. But now I see, it creates boundaries and a requirement of respect.

But now, everyone has a cell phone. Everyone is accessible 24/7. The text notification appeals to our senses and gives us the illusion that something important is on the other side of that chime. A 2am text can seem exciting. Watching those three dots quiver while the guy you like is typing you a message can keep us engaged for hours. But what about the excitement of getting familiar with that person’s mannerisms and inflection in their voice?

Or the excitement of just sitting next to your crush? The thrill of just holding hands? Men, there is so much excitement to be had if only you’d muscle up your dormant courage and speak to me in person.

Generation-Y is the instant gratification generation. We want what we want right at the moment we figure out that we want it. We are willingly giving up one of the most important things in life: the waiting period. Having to wait and having to deal with our urges and wants without instantly having them satisfied is what builds character and is what we are now lacking in this fast-paced age.

If we want food, we order it online and have it delivered. If we want to listen to our favorite song, we find it on YouTube, iTunes or Spotify. If we want to watch a movie, we either buy it on demand or stream it online. If we want sex, we masturbate. If we want to have a good time, we do drugs. We have this false belief that doing things faster will give us a life more fulfilled — that it will lead to us being happier. But that isn’t the case. Most of us aren’t happier. We do more, but we experience less. We are never in the moment because we are always considering what we will be doing next in order to not become bored.

*I believe we are a generation of “keeping our options open.” We don’t like to commit to too much. Our plans change constantly with ongoing text messages, group texts and event invites we are constantly engaging and disengaging. We sit behind our screens once again and judge the level of fun to be had should we choose to attend an offer to causal get some coffee to a themed party at a club to your cousin’s baby shower. Decisions need to be made. If you’re really stuck-up you attend none of them because the perceived level of fun is well below your standard. It’s not a far stretch then to imagine taking this attitude into relationships. People are trying on others for size and exchanging you for someone else that fits better. Of course there the cliché that you shouldn’t settle for just anyone. Committing to someone is not settling. Our generation is afraid of commitment. How can you commit when you can see endless profiles of millions of others all around the world. It definitely creates a sense of “I have options” if the fun level in your current fling has died down.

Character is most often built during those moments between activities, during moments of solitude and reflection. Men no longer feel the need to pause and reflect because the options for whatever it is they want are only a click away. The options are endless and therefore we never truly experience disappointment.

We never really feel that we are missing out on something because we no longer give things much importance. Jackie never got back to your text message? I’m sure you have several other women in your contacts that you’d equally like to  — once. Then you’ll get bored and move on to the next one. Men treat women like interchangeable commodities. I do believe that most men still hope to one day fall in love and settle down. But none of them will unless they change their way of thinking and living.

*There a few fellas that come to mind here. These men have no problem playing the field and welcoming different women into their bedrooms. In the back of their mind, they do want to find “the right one.” They do believe in a day they will *be* married and have children. However, they don’t seem realize their bad habits now will not transfer them to their ideal destination. How could you ever master fidelity when you can’t go 60 days without sex? How can you be sure you will be a great father when you refuse to date a women that already has children? Its like a little leaguer expecting to win the World Series by next summer and they never went to weekly practice. I’m so sorry, you will not win the big game.

When you’re married a text message to your wife to “come over” will not work. You’re going to have to build your brain to sustain a marriage.

Being focused on self-satisfaction will lead to nothing but broken relationships. Real men are not selfish. Real men are just as concerned for the feelings, needs and minds of women as they are for their own — not just women’s bodies and their sexual usefulness. Real men have a well-defined code of ethics and respect that they follow.

How can anyone call himself a man if the last time he had to confront another man — whether it be over a social incident or for business purposes — was before he hit puberty? If you don’t have the twiddle-diddles to approach a woman at a bar in person and have a proper, intellectual conversation, making the woman feel respected and comfortable, then move over for the real men.

*My next statement will make a feminist cringe. I would like to be able to have the option of “going to get my husband” or be able to say “wait ‘til I tell my husband” knowing that my husband will be able to bring the level of testosterone needed to handle some things. Do you get what I’m saying? There are some men that will on respect another man, and I’m going to need a man that can handle these types of people. If you’re not that type of man, please move to the end of the line.

It’s awful because women are becoming accustomed to such boys and believing that these pansies are all that is left of our sex. Some great women are settling for these fools and then finding that they themselves have no choice but to wear the pants in the family because their “man” is PMSing. All I can hope for is that the law of evolution will see the world rid of these weaklings, these characterless, hopeless pseudo-men.

Ladies… real men do exist; there aren’t many of us, but we’re survivors and will be around for a while. Come find us.



Quick Read

Is it Official?

We’re just talking

He’s not my boyfriend

We’re not in a relationship

I see her from time to time

We don’t have a title

We just hang out sometimes

Why put a label on it?


I’ve heard these phrases way too often in the recent years. It’s normal for many people to describe their situationship using those phrases. The meaning of each phrase is also thoroughly understood, for the most part. Everyone seems to desire a relationship but at the same time they want their way out. They want the benefits of a relationship but none of the commitment. Is the truth in these phrases? They are spoken with casualty but not so much with confidence. When it comes to someone you like, why would you want to describe the relation with such phrases? Wouldn’t we rather say affirmatively,

He loves me. We are together. I like her. That’s my man. This is my girlfriend.

Instead we lay down on our backbone and act like there’s nothing we can do. We’re too cool to want official titles but too scared to expect them. We would rather share our bodies, swap bodily fluids than exchange our feelings and share our true intentions. How sad. We would rather stay in limbo than walk confidently in any direction. We would rather be in a lukewarm semi-non-relationship than a cold hard single. We compromise our hearts to see someone sometimes than never see them at all. Just getting a text back becomes the definition of success.

There’s no judgement coming from me of course. Did you read my post The Purge? Go back and read it. I regrettably had stayed in limbo for way too long. Committing my heart to someone that wouldn’t even commit to a full evening or full day with me. Assigning a place in my heart for someone that once said, “I don’t want a relationship with anyone, not just you.”

Or when I said “You just want me for a hookup.”

“I like you more than a hookup….- but why cant it be like it is?”

I ended up secretly in tears in his bed just a few hours later. That was about five years ago and those words were burned into my heart. I had taken my Question (Warrior and the Beauty, go back and read that one too) to a guy and the answer was a very big NO. NO you’re not worth it. NO you’re not worth my commitment. NO you’re not Enough (fill in the blank) for me to want you. There’s only one thing I want you for.


That was most definitely not the last time I received the same kind of message from him.

I have no easy step by step solution to these types of problems.

All I came to say was that Jesus made it Official with you 2000 years ago. He is not afraid of commitment. He isn’t waiting for someone better to come around. A wise man wrote a book telling women that a man shows commitment by Professing, Protecting and Providing for a woman. If you are important, a man will give you a title. He will introduce you to others by the title as way to profess who you really are to him. As a way to put other men on notice that he has claimed you. Don’t come over here bruh ’cause this one is mine. Don’t disregard this as a man – woman issue. God is constantly professing who we are to Him.

I found a wonderful list of 20 Things God Says About You. Let us focus on the labels and titles He has given you.

*I am a child of God. John 1:12
We don’t need to call Maury to be given our Father in Heaven’s last name. Adoption papers don’t need to be signed. He never flaked out on child support. He even allowed this model to be lived out by Joseph and Mary’s relationship. Joseph could have denied that Jesus was his son because he had never slept with Mary. He could have told everyone that the child is not his. But that is not how the story goes. We were given the title of God’s child.

*I am a friend with God. John 15:15
Jesus calls us his friends! He doesn’t say “Um, I know of him, but I don’t know him” or “who? I don’t know even know her.” He give us the title of Friend.

*I am an heir with Christ. Romans 8:17
As children of God, we are also heirs to his Kingdom. We will get to live his mansion, and have what He has. He give us the title of Heir.

*I am a member of Christ’s body and a partaker of His promise. Ephesians 3:6
There’s no good ol’ boys club that we cant get into. No monthly membership fees we cant afford. We were given the title of Member. We belong with Him. We are not on the outside looking in, we are in.

*I am a citizen of Heaven. Philippians 3:20
We are meant to reside in Heaven, our living arrangement on earth is temporary. We didn’t sign a lease, we just live here month to month. We eagerly await our Savior to take us back home. He gave us the title of Citizen.

My point is that God wants us badly. He thinks about us. About YOU. About me. The way I lay awake at night and stare at my ceiling (perhaps thinking of some guy), God is there thinking of You. Just You. He wants to talk to You. He wants You to be the one talking to him. He’s waiting for our text, for our phone call, for a note in the mail. He excited about you. He sees the tiniest changes you’re making and is clapping his hands. He’s in the bleachers at the big game and rooting for you. He’s the coach on the sidelines cheering you on. He’s wanting to move through you so you win. God never hesitated to love you. He’s not with you just until something better comes along. He’s not ignoring your texts. He doesn’t watch your incoming call and just let it go to voicemail. He’s not trying to avoid your social media messages. He’s not hiding you from his timeline. He’s not untagging himself from your posts and pictures. He doesn’t see you in a crowd and hope that you don’t see him. He’s not pretending you don’t exist. He doesn’t just see you when its convenient for him. He calls you Son, Daughter, Friend. He calls you HIS. He makes no mistakes. He intentionally chooses us over and over and over again.

Don’t get caught up in the culture of today. God already professed his titles for you.

Related Reading:

Related: Doing it Wrong by Drake

“We are half-hearted creatures…”


Quick Read

Reflection: 28 Days of Single


I’ll be honest it was challenging to commit to making a post every day. I tried not to judge each post harshly like “that’s boring” or “will people think its lame?” I am just Me. The point wasn’t to impress anyone but to show that being single isn’t what think it is and it is what you think it is. It’s just you, being you each day. Going to work, spending time with friends and family, enjoying many Snickerdoodle lattes – okay that’s just me!

What do you think will change once you are in a relationship? You and you’re boo thang will spend countless hours staring in each other eyes while suns set continuously, and your bills pay themselves? Often times we catch ourselves idolizing relationships or our crushes. Yes, I’m in 7th grade because I have crushes. But who are they besides regular everyday people, just like us? Often times having our eyes set on someone distracts us from our everyday pains of life. Like, my smoke detector that beeps for no reason every so often. Yes I just put in a new battery last month. And no, there’s no fire anywhere! I have been home for hours now, and you start beeping at 11pm, at 4 minute intervals? Are you serious right now? If I had a boyfriend, he would fix it. So I find myself standing on my tallest chair, on my tippy toes, reaching, stretching, using push pins to pin a winter scarf to the ceiling in hopes to muffle the excruciating sound. I just don’t want to deal with this! If I had a husband he would deal with this so I don’t have to.

I really hope I’m not the only who has thoughts like that. I also think a shared income would be awesome. Using all your own money for things just really sucks. Yes, I said that. You can quote me on it too.

Moving on, through the years I realized just how easy it is to get wrapped up in someone else. It’s fun getting messages, texts, phone calls from someone. Someone that looks at you and thinks you’re awesome. Maybe they don’t see what a mess your bedroom is, or the dysfunction in your family, or how you’re late to work every day. They see all the fun things about you and you like that. Often times, we try to minimize those Other things. Actually, your parent pays your phone bill, or you can’t drive because your license was taken away, or that time you really did try to kill yourself. We all have those Other things we don’t want people to know. Idolizing the perfect relationship keeps you from making peace with who you are.

You have to be at peace with who you are. Otherwise, you enter into a relationship in a fearful state. You’re attaching yourself to someone because you are afraid. Afraid to be alone. After all, when will another person come around? We often feel that being single is a reflection of our worth or lack of. If I am single it means no one wanted me. As a woman, no one has asked me to marry them, so I guess no one has ever wanted to marry me. *insert Bridget Jones singing “All By Myself”*

8257468072_4813c4bf0eI work daily to stop negative thoughts, lying thoughts. Someone will like you “just as you are.” You’re going to have to get real comfortable with yourself before you get cozy with someone else. After spending enough time with someone, they will see all those Other things anyway. Instead of feeling comfortable, you’ll feel insecure. I don’t think I need to tell you what happens when Insecurities take over. Instead of building a foundation of trust, you’ll build a mud pie.

jnI truly want someone I can be myself with. If you feel like there are parts of your life you have to hide or parts that aren’t interesting enough, fun enough- then you’re likely going about relationships in the wrong way.