12/18/2021
Its December, almost 2022. I have this sense that there’s something different about this December. I’d say the last 12 months have been different. They were surely nothing I had ever expected. It’s like God came to me and said, “GO.” Put your shoes on, grab a bag and start walking. Where? Walk where? Go where?
Every day for the past year has felt like that. I haven’t always been aware, but that’s what happened. Who I am today is not who I was a year ago.
I find myself in a job that is a great fit. It’s provided my soul a rest but my nervous system is still acquainted with invisible threats. But it’s getting better. Learning to cultivate peace in my thoughts and body takes effort.
I found myself on two mission trips in one year to the same place. A place with a unique history and unique future. A town known for subjugation and pain. While a new story is being written there. A beauty for ashes tale. Maybe I was called there because that’s what God has been doing with my story too.
I found myself lost for a short time. I had been beaten down by a force I wasnt ready for. I felt small and weak, heartbroken. I sought out old ways for relief only to remember there is no relief in the rains of baal [Hosea 2:13].
I found myself aspiring to say Yes more. Yes to good things. Yes to self care. I said Yes to more serving opportunities and I said Yes to more social invitations. I said Yes when I could and I’ll do my best to continue that.
I found myself learning how deep wounds can be. Underneath layers, infections of the heart can still live. Symptoms can go unnoticed until triggered. The Holy Spirit gently but urgently says, “Come. Look. See.” Infections are ugly. They aren’t supposed to be there. They don’t belong in the temple of the Holy Spirit. Jesus comes to say, “Let ME.” It’s okay to say, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief! (Mark 9:24)” It’s okay to be like Peter, blunders and repeated mistakes.
After Jesus is resurrected after his crucifixion, he sits with Peter. In John 21, Jesus asks Peter three times, “Do you love me?” One for each denial. It seems Jesus is bringing restoration to their relationship as Peter previously denied him three times the night Jesus was arrested. I’ve come to ask the question in a different way. Its easy to say yes I love someone. But I find myself hearing, “Are you someone that loves me?” I think they are different questions. Do you love me? Yes. Sure. Yup. Easy. Are you someone that loves me? That focuses on actions, habits, character, relationship.
I also call to attention the conversation at the Last Supper. In Matthew 16:16, Jesus asks his disciples, “Who do you say that I am?” They take turns and it’s concluded that yes, Jesus is the Messiah. Yes! Got it right! Peter would think to himself. But again I hear a different question being asked. “Who do you say that you are?” What? Huh? Hmm…
Do you call yourself a disciple? Are you a follower of the Messiah? How can it be seen that you are? This focuses again on actions, habits, character, relationship.
I found myself in a lot of places this year. Ultimately, I find myself at the intersection of these two major questions. I hope you do too. I hope we know the answers. In 2022, I hope we exhibit the habits and character worthy to be called Jesus’ followers.
Confessions of a Recovering Feminist 