Quick Read, Transformation

Still Me

           (circa ’08?’09? I  was Snookie before Snookie was Snookie…)

You’re right, I’m not who I used to be. I believe in different things now. The things we used to believe together. I no longer do the things I used to do. The things that made you feel comfortable. The things we did together.

I don’t drink.

I don’t go to bars or clubs.

I don’t sleep with guys.

I don’t flirt or seduce.

I don’t use foul language.

I rarely listen to secular music.

I’m not a feminist anymore.

I believe in traditional marriage.

I don’t try to be seen.

I don’t try to intimidate.

I don’t put my ego first.

I’m a patriot but I pledge allegiance to Jesus.

I don’t believe the color of my skin entitles me or makes me a victim.

I’m Pro-Life.

And I was never a democrat anyway.

There’s plenty more I can’t articulate at this moment.
I cashed in all my chips and ended up with zero. These things bankrupted my spirit. As I moved closer to God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit I could no longer hold on to those things. They no longer served any purpose because they are not based on anything long withstanding. 

I admit, perhaps I never made it clear in years past of what I did stand for. Though in my defense, I never claimed to be For some of those things; my only fault-remaining silent in my disagreement. 

I gave up those things willingly and freely. I’ve never felt and thought more clearly. I’m doing great. 

I am still Me. Unapologetic and Resolute.

When you probably roll your eyes at the sight of my name and the things I stand for now, know that I’m fine with whatever reaction you have. The disagreements that permeate in your bones, you’re allowed to have.  But know this –

It was you that shut me out. 

So I continue on, always available for non-spontaneous coffee dates, froyo meet-ups and other such treats.

With Love,

Still Me 

Standard
Journaling, Quick Read, Transformation

Creatures

“God take these chains off of me, take the chains off of my heart off my body off my brain. Take these chains Take these chains off of me. God take these chains. These chains of consequences.

he raped my heart now I’m dealing with the consequences of low self-esteem no confidence. I gave him full reign on my body & mind. It’s all over now, it’s gotta be over. Cuz there’s no other way.”                                                                                               July 7, 2010

 

I wrote that in a journal I found in a box in my closet, literally and figuratively. A box inside my closeted soul. I wrote in the Purge how there was a time in my life where I teetered the line of crazy. That post was centered on a particular individual and the merry-go-round I rode with him.

This post however, I want to focus on myself.

I sat on the floor in my room reading these excruciating types of entries, recalling the events or being shocked at events I never remembered. Texting him in the middle of the night “delete my number and forget about me” and “tell me to stop talking to you.” Most going unanswered, unacknowledged driving me even madder. Never in a million years would I have ever admitted to being that crazy girl. In fact, I had like most people remembered the past as I chose to. Glossing over my own poor behavior and over emphasizing the poor behavior in the other person. After a text was ignored I wrote how I cried “all night” or “until I feel asleep.” This scenario saturated my journal.

I began to cry myself. Six years later, I am 31 years old and so far removed from the person I once was. My heart broke for the young me. Someone so lost. Lost in someone else. Lost in reality. I cried and apologized to God for not knowing Him then. I know YOU now though. You came for me, you never stopped coming for me. I felt shaken to my core.

I never truly saw the cage I was in until the other night reading page of page of utter nonsense. Pages of illogical and immature behavior. I was caged up in insecurity and rejection. An embalmed cycle.

a37bf046da5736c037e5b840871027bb

I told God later, I forgive him [the guy] even though I already have. Just in case there is something still there and I don’t know it. I release him. I forgive myself.

As I continued to process my thoughts and raw emotions, I believe God told me that it was not him [the guy] – it was not flesh and blood but principalities at work.

“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”    Ephesians 6:12

Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only LIGHT drives out darkness. I was in some of the darkest rooms stumbling around, trying to find my way, getting bumped and bruised. The enemy liked me in the dark. Falling down and grasping, hurting myself. My sense of self hanging on the whims of another person [the idea of the other person]. Clouds and storms of dysfunction in between us. Looking back, I now believe there was only a small fraction of our real selves that were present with one another. We came to the surface sporadically only to retreat in fear moments later. What a sad way to live your life.

surrealart_15

The old me died a while ago, specifically on May 31, 2015 when I was baptized. I am a NEW creature and NEW thing in Christ.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”   2 Corinthians 5:17

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”     Isaiah 43:19

We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.”      Romans 6:4

For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—“     Romans 6:6

“Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness. For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.”     Romans 6:12-14

new_creature_in_christ_by_marlacalandradesigns-d3hnpdz.jpgRelated Music: 

Once and For All- Lauren Daigle


 

Standard
Quick Read, satire

10 #ChristianLife Hacks

The last few years have been my Christ following years and I have learned a few things here and there. Some lessons came easier than others but God has taught me so much and I would like to share some pointers.

This is also my first attempt at *satire*…

1. First of all, you don’t have to change. God loves you, just as you are and wants to leave you like that. He made you and He doesn’t make mistakes. So things like sin, generational curses and inequities – He loves them! God’s grace covers all things especially unrepentant, cold hearts. By all means, go to the club and at a drunken IHOP pit stop is the optimal time to invite your unsaved friends to church in just a few hours! They will definitely take you up on the offer. Another sure fire way to advance the Kingdom is to continue to see every rated R movie there is as well as spend time worshipping worldly musicians and bands. 

2. Don’t devote your time to “duties” like studying the Word, prayer, worship, serving others. Be a Mary not a Martha!

3. There’s nothing better than showing off God’s handiwork by posting provocative selfies. Pouty lips? Cleavage? Abdominal V? How might others ever know there is a God if they never see your lust provoking hot bod? 

4. Live in your feelings. Make large decisions based on your feelings. God wants us to follow our hearts even if we follow them into sin, strife, judgment, uncontrolled anger or bitterness. 

5. Pursue relationships with unsaved people that don’t encourage you spiritually. Its even better if you can develop a deep connectedness (often called a soul tie) to someone that is hostile to the Word of God. How else can we welcome suffering like the those persecuted in Hebrews 11?

6. Overzealously champion politicians and gluttonous corporations that are contrary to the Word of God. We must love our enemies so much that we become them.

7. When refering to God use key phrases like: The Universe, good vibes, mindfulness, patriarchy, outdated traditions and barbaric gender roles. This bridges the gap between Christ followers and everyone else. God wants us to go into all the nations and assimilate.

8. It is also important to divide people racially. After all, Egyptians are slave owners and Romans are elitists. Neither of which ever made it to Heaven. God only loves the oppressed not the oppressors.

9. Date many many many Christians. Always remember to #blessed all of you & Bae’s kissing pics.

10. If I could sum up all of these into one main point it would be, as a Christian you have all of the rights and none of the responsibility to feed yourself. Why eat filet mignon when you can have all of the milk and honey you want?

Standard
Men, Quick Read

a Desolate Man

 

namib-desert-southern-africa

The desert is a desert because it gets no rain. It gets no rain because it gets no clouds. The conditions are hostile to plant or animal life.

Your heart is a desert. Uninhabited. Barren. It gets no replenishing rain because you never embrace the clouds. You’re stingy with what little water you receive and produce creations like shrubs and cacti. Your shrubs produce limited sustenance and the cacti, no soft place to rest.

I often used to settled in your desert like Terah dying in Harran (Gen. 11:31-32) and made idols of you like the golden calf (Ex. 32) only to be sunburned and left to endure the desert’s below freezing temperatures all alone. My heart became too sensitive to your elements and ravaged by your weather. 

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”
C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.”  -Ezekiel 11:19

You parked at the point of your pain. Its time to put the keys in the ignition and rev up the engine. The road belongs to you.

This is your invitation to Eden. Please join me…

Related Music:

Standard
Quick Read

31 Things I Ain’t Got Time For

 

As of today, I’m officially in my “30s.” Now that I’m 31, I would like to take some time to list (because I’m a nerd and like lists) all the things I don’t have time for anymore. After a few serious blog topics I thought I would lighten the mood up a bit. This is for fun but do not underestimate the severity of this list.

1. Pants

2. Not getting enough sleep

3. Paying the extra $ for late Redbox movies

I once paid about $7!

4. Bad coffee

5. A messy apartment

6. Shame

7. People inciting arguments in my Facebook comments

Do you really think you will change my mind?

8. Putting off fun

9. Letting my gas light come on

10. Not washing my car

11. Feeling sad about loving carbs

I day dream about pasta.

b735ba1c29b319323ebb8bb9e1530c3b

12. Old fashioned non-reclining movie theater seats

Seriously, my short legs need to be elevated.

13. Feeling awkward about leaving a social gathering early

14. Wifi passwords

I’m too scared to ask you.

15. Creating “accounts” for almost every website

I have no idea what my login name is, or the password…or the security question answer.

16. Spam mail

I don’t want to meet in SEXXXY GiRLs in my area.

17. Regular mail

I don’t want to rent-to-own a 75” flat screen tv.

18. Commercials on Hulu

Watching the same 3 commercials makes me feel crazy.

19. Charging my phone

20. Coffee not being free in America

At this point in time it should be coming from drinking fountains.

21. Not going on walks like I like to

22. Eating junk-food

23. Buffering

24. Running out of data

25. Being late everywhere

la

26. Rewards cards at every store

Its great that I have 650,972,504 points, but in some weird conversion it equates to .47 cents?

27. Matching socks

28. Milk that expires

29. Movie theater snack prices

I can a get a 32oz pop at a gas station for .70 cents.

30. Any type of fee

31. People that are self-checkout incompetent

You should have to pass a test first.

 

Standard
Men, Quick Read, Women

3 Ways Sex is The Great Distraction

image

I find it amusing just how God can teach you something through the conversations you have, the people you meet, the books you read and everything in between. I often see patterns where others don’t and can quickly correlate streaming information into one theme. Something that God has taught me and clearly highlighted for me recently, is that sex is a distraction. The Great Distraction. It runs interference through all areas of your life. Many don’t realize how focused they are on sex and how many of their decisions reflect its importance. Sex is often an imitator and distorter as well. I read The Wait

Continue reading

Standard
Quick Read

Its Different for Girls

I’m in love with this song. It takes me back to a time when I thought it didn’t have to be different. I thought I could be the same. Like a guy. Go ahead and cue “If I Were a Boy.”

It didn’t have to be serious, it could be just for fun, games, cheap thrills. Until…

Until it wasn’t any of those things. Until, I was hooked on someone like an iv-drip. Seeping into my heart, a thick viscosity filling up every blood vessel. But I never meant much (if anything at all) to him.

image

I remember the moments after a twilight tryst. Hours earlier he said, “I do like you more than a hookup.” I was ecstatic despite knowing how pathetic it was. So laying next to him, resting my head on his shoulder, my hand on his chest- “Did you really mean that?”

“Mean what?”

“What you said earlier.”

“Yeah but I don’t want to be with anyone- not just you- with anyone.”

I felt my ego running for cover. My eyes got super warm with tears, but I wouldn’t blink. I swallowed the broken pieces.

I rode with him to his house. I didn’t have my car. I couldn’t jump up to leave. I had to call my best friend to come and pick me up. I got dressed. She called to say she was outside. I went to the door and struggled like every crying girl in a movie. He opened the door into the sunlight.

image

I have about 6 years’ worth of these spineless, foolish moments. In none of them was I the woman that I wanted to be. Scared to speak my feelings. Feelings were for private not to be given away confidently. I hid behind mascara, hoop earrings, lip gloss and sometimes Patron & lime juice.

In front of everyone I was bold, confident, fun, a “blast in a glass.” In front of him I was sand through his fingers. I wanted him to give me form.

Fast forward. I know my limits. I can’t give that part of myself away without my heart being fully present. I haven’t since 2013, when he kissed me goodbye at my apartment door.

I had to stop. Just stop. I could not keep running closer. It was wreaking havoc on my heart. I had to honor myself. I have to make known my heart, not shut it out. I cannot pretend I’m okay when I’m not. Seeing you “from time to time” turned out to be excruciating. I tried to be cool, but the bits and pieces you gave me were never enough.

I was selling out.

its Different now –

I let Jesus love me.

image

                                         
april 13,2009   12:48am
if i were a boy
i’d lay down lines of lies
i wouldnt stick around
long enough to see her tears
when i’d see her out
i wouldnt speak to her
then i’d call her at 6 in the morning
cuz i’d be on my way home &
wouldnt feel like sleepn alone
when she woke up to put
her clothes on i wouldnt
kiss her goodbye
i’d just open the door
& let her go
i would go to work and not
even think of her, kick it
w/ the guys cuz they’re
better than her
talk to girls that i didnt
wish were her,
i’d let time & time go by
cuz i dont need her,
try my scheme again
if i were a boy
i’d tell her anything
to hit it
i would say i do
want u
when she confronted me
i’d tell her since her
wall was up nevermind
i would pretend cuz
im just a boy
& i dont understand

image

Standard