Some time ago, I felt myself experiencing a Great Unraveling. I felt like ribbon coming undone, chaotic, exposed, torn apart, too revealed.
I pictured an old factory. I come in one day to see a massive mess. Parts and pieces in disarray. Smoke billowing. A putrid smell. Shattered glass, broken products, and sounds of malfunction. Something went wrong. But what? I go to each machine and examine the mechanisms and equipment. After a while, I found a missing screw. The one screw responsible for holding so much together. That screw had been rusted over, loosened over time it became unable to hold itself in place. Without that one screw, one by one, little by little, a chain of events was initiated. Had I taken the time to make repairs a long the way, perform inspections and updates, I would have caught the problem before it all fell apart.
I stood in the middle, a labyrinth of malady. I built that factory from the ground up. Put together every machine myself. It worked that way for a long time. It did its job. Until now.
Now I must rebuild. The times are different. Some mechanisms and equipment are obsolete. They won’t work in 2023 at 37 years old.
And that’s where I am today. Machines like self-protection and self-reliance don’t produce the results that are needed for this day. I’m not the best at building factories, obviously. There is a better builder.
Therefore, holy brothers and sisters, who share in the heavenly calling, fix your thoughts on Jesus, whom we acknowledge as our apostle and high priest. 2 He was faithful to the one who appointed him, just as Moses was faithful in all God’s house. 3 Jesus has been found worthy of greater honor than Moses, just as the builder of a house has greater honor than the house itself. 4 For every house is built by someone, but God is the builder of everything. 5 “Moses was faithful as a servant in all God’s house,”[a] bearing witness to what would be spoken by God in the future. 6 But Christ is faithful as the Son over God’s house. And we are his house, if indeed we hold firmly to our confidence and the hope in which we glory. – Hebrews 3:1-6
Melancholy and defeat permeate his songs. They find places in me that still need Jesus. Its the empty, depressive pining for the things that feel like cuts on your skin and make you question why you’ll never be clean.
Maybe it was my triggers being triggered, past, present, future. Insecurity, rejection, hypocrisy, abandonment, terror.
I stumbled on the After Hours album when I was at the bottom of a low place. I experienced what I would label as spiritual abuse. People acting in the name Christ that were manipulative and nothing resembling actual Christ-likeness. It was a shock to my system. I look back and summarize my experience as full of anxiety(fear), depression, confusion and having a broken heart and spirit. I had been praying in desperation to be protected and removed from the situation. I felt like Elijah running from Jezebel.
“Elijah was afraid and fled for his life. He went to Beersheba, a town in Judah, and he left his servant there. Then he went on alone into the wilderness, traveling all day. He sat down under a solitary broom tree and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, Lord,” he said. “Take my life, for I am no better than my ancestors who have already died.” 1 Kings 19:3-4
I felt so low and had wished I had been able to be stronger. I remembered Elijah running from Jezebel and David running from King Saul. That was the only solace and grace that I could muster.
“And I feel everything I feel everything from my body to my soul No, no Well, I feel everything When I’m coming down is the most I feel alone No, no I’ve been sober for a year, now it’s time for me To go back to my old ways, don’t you cry for me Thought I’d be a better man, but I lied to me and to you”
Maybe it was suppressed anger. Anger that disguises itself as lust. Anger that whispered to me to be Heartless.
“Cause I’m heartless And I’m back to my ways ’cause I’m heartless All this money and this pain got me heartless Low life for life ’cause I’m heartless”
Maybe it was a dream turned mirage.
“Cali was the mission, but now a n**** leaving Leaving, leaving into the night”
The lyrics felt good. I felt justified. All my unmet needs gave way. I decided to give in. Its my turn now. I’ll go get lost and come back later. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right?
It’s not Abel’s fault. He’s just a man that writes songs and sings them in a beautiful falsetto. Music isn’t to blame.
The Adversary knew what I was feeling because he knew what I was listening to. He does not have access to read my mind but does have access to my spoken words and behaviors. He knows my patterns, my history and what baits to tempt me with.
In his book, “Unwanted- How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing,” Jay Stringer writes, “Anger aims at our longing for justice and restoration. Sin enters when lust is hijacked by covetousness or demand and anger is hijacked by entitlement, contempt or dogmatic control.”
Stringer continues, “Lust and anger are the primary tributaries that flow into the river of unwanted sexual behavior. I have never met someone who struggles deeply with lust who is not also battling with unaddressed anger.”
I’m only beginning to examine these “partners in crime” as Jay Stringer calls them.
Maybe it was my unaddressed anger that lulled me into an old depravity to self punish. Stringer explains, “I have come to understand that people make bad decisions not because of the potential for pleasure but to add additional evidence to their self judgment.” Also, “they are bound to the judgment of self-contempt.”
A place where I had to hide my royal robes under beggar’s rags. I don’t belong here.
“When she runs after her lovers, she won’t be able to catch them. She will search for them but not find them. Then she will think, ‘I might as well return to my husband, for I was better off with him than I am now.’ 8 She doesn’t realize it was I who gave her everything she has— the grain, the new wine, the olive oil; I even gave her silver and gold. But she gave all my gifts to Baal.” Hosea 2:7-8
One hand on the cross and the other feeling the fever of hell. Knowing the Truth but seeing with perverted vision. Bartering with God but not holding up my end of the deal. I don’t belong here.
The physical body at war with the mind, the mind at war with the mind. The body fighting the disease (dis-ease) of sin. I now believe the Spirit will activate the physiology of the body to fight sin in the physical realm to get our attention. I’ve learned the body will reject the sin even if you consciously dont. Whats already been consecrated to the Lord is rightfully his; evil rulers of the unseen world, principalities of darkness cannot keep you.
Thank the One that wins us back!
“But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble[b] into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt.” Hosea 2:14-15
Could He really want me back?
“I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord” Hosea 2:19-20
I can’t count how many times God saved me from myself. Saved me from my own hands. He saved me only because he interfered. He ran interference on my play. All I can do is ask God to keep interfering. There’s nothing for me outside of His will.
“Once you were dead because of your disobedience and your many sins. You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil—the commander of the powers in the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God. All of us used to live that way, following the passionate desires and inclinations of our sinful nature. By our very nature we were subject to God’s anger, just like everyone else. But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:1-10
If you were born in the 20th century then you grew up in feminism. Most people recall the Second Wave of the Women’s Movement or Second Wave Feminism in the 1960s and 1970s. Media made Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan popular. That era was marked by much upheaval including to Civil Rights, the draft for Vietnam. The No Fault Divorce Law, Roe V. Wade. I know I’m missing a lot more. I enjoy history but I’m not a historian.
Hulu has a short series called Mrs. America following the lives of influencers of the 1970s. Centered on the political activity of Phyllis Schlafly, a leader of conservative women and conservative values. While watching the first few episodes I remembered reading a brief article on her in the last year. I realized while I took Women’s Studies classes during college [more than 10 years ago] I never learned about Phyllis Schlafly. Steinem and Friedan’s names were saturated in the material. Women’s Studies was built on *their movement, not the Women’s Movement as a whole. I will continue to watch Mrs. America but I wonder how she will continue to be portrayed. I strongly encourage you to read, “Subverted: How the Sexual Revolution Hijacked Feminism” by Sue Ellen Browder. I’m sure the tv series will leave out key pieces of meetings with the names mentioned above and other influences.
You might be wondering why I claim that we have all grown up in feminism because the media and many nagging women declare we are owed more “rights.” I challenge the idea that we don’t have any rights or that they are under threat of being taken away. This is the argument of the most privilege class of women known to man [I mean people-hood] [no, no I don’t]. When we cross over into demanding the right to bring about destruction and harm to one another then we cross over into madness. To rationalize yourself into illogical oblivion should scare someone. Matthew 15:19 tells us, “For out of the heart [also soul or mind] come evil thoughts–murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander.”
The other night I was thinking (a practice many could benefit from). I was thinking of where racism and sexism started and why some many people choose to remain divided and hostile towards one another. When you look throughout history, people hurt people. Yes, many men abused their role and authority, they used it to bring harm to women. They disobeyed God and did not love their wives as Christ loved the church –Ephesians 5:25. Many men went in the name of God and religion to usher in their own power without instructions from God to do so. Many wars fought, won and lost. Many people groups maimed by the horrors of war, literal war and wars on ideology. Read Genesis 5:2 and you will learn – He created them male and female and blessed them. And he named them “Mankind” when they were created. We were created equal in the eyes of God as male and female were both called mankind, which means human being. When we disobeyed God sin entered in to the human being and would then be a natural human experience. What is sin? It can be defined as missing the mark. There was a goal there in the Garden of Eden and we dropped the ball, we didn’t score a point. We actually ran the ball and scored for the opposing team. Both the man and the woman were guilty of this. Man and Woman brought about harm to themselves and generations to come.
As time progresses from the Garden, the man and woman became fruitful and so on. In Genesis 5 we get a rundown of genealogy from Adam to Noah. By the time Noah was on the scene in Genesis 6, the Bible tells us that: The Lord saw how great the wickedness of the human race had become on the earth, and that every inclination of the thoughts of the human heart was only evil all the time. 6 The Lord regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, andhis heart was deeply troubled. 7 So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for Iregret that I have made them.” 8 But Noah found favor in the eyes of the Lord.
Here we see in the days of Noah, people went back into choosing sin and wickedness causing God to be deeply troubled.
To make a long story short, Noah made an ark at the command of God. God sent flood waters from above and below flooding the plane of the earth. Noah and his family settled in after the flood and just as one could expect his descendants continued into a path of sin against God. God watched as they decided to build a monumental tower to Heaven thinking they would no longer need God. God decided enough was enough and changed their languages from one to many. They were confused and could not collectively finish their project and God scattered them from the city. Before that, the Bible tells us that everyone spoke one language. With one swift move, God created diversity where there had been none.
As the people scattered with their differing languages and settled in different lands, their new language led to new a culture. One can argue language is culture and without it, a culture dies. Although it seems that God was reactive in scattering these people it would have been under his sovereignty.
As you move from Genesis throughout the New Testament and the Old Testament you will find a common theme. God’s people (Israelites-Hebrews-Jews) disobey God, God rescues them from themselves and their enemies, they praise and worship God- then the cycle starts again and again. The New Testament tells the story of Jesus, God’s only son whom he sent to earth to testify to the Truth and sacrifice himself for the world’s sins offering salvation. The theme of disobedience continues to run into the introduction of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Although we are granted salvation Sole Fide “by faith alone,” Jesus’ teachings call us to a much higher standard than just following the law of the Old Testament. We are die to ourselves, lose our life, take up our cross and follow him fully.
Matthew 16:2- For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.
Matthew 16:24- Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me.
Romans 8:13 – For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
Because of Jesus’ teaching and the generosity of God, we lowly human beings have the opportunity to receive the free gift of salvation when we believe the Jesus was Divine and Human; our Lord and Savior; my human nature is wicked and there is no good in me, except Jesus.
Romans 7:18- For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.
Now I ask you, Modern Christian Woman…do you believe this Gospel of Jesus Christ? Do you believe there is no good in you and you must have Jesus to just have taste of what Goodness really is?
In the Old Testament, God assigned prophets and sent them to his people to declare they must repent or face the consequences. These were harsh words for sure. In the New Testament, God sends us all to preach the Gospel and make disciples. The underlining consequences are still there. Hell is at stake.
Acts 1:8- But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.
John 14:6- Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.
I ask you Modern Christian Woman to repent of your feminism and the feminism of the generations before you.
As you can see since the beginning of time, humans have been sinning against one another. Men have harmed women. Tribe has pillaged tribe. Kingdoms brutalized kingdoms. Parents have hurt their children. The human experience will never be a stranger to sin, crime, or evil. Not one of us is innocent. With unjust kingdoms and governments comes revolts. Revolutions. Some were righteous and some are indefensible as they are founded upon even more false idols and godless ideologies. That is feminism.
Mark 10:18- Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good–except God alone.
If you are a Christ follower we are to seek God’s will. What feminism did was seek its own will. Because of the disobedience of men that did not love their wives as Christ loved the church, this created pain and resentment in women generation after generation. Instead of crying out to God women began to covet the role of the man. Feminism was birthed from godless women and the envy of men is their DNA. The Bible tells us not to covet in the Old Testament and the New Testament.
Romans 13:9- The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Any woman pursuing righteousness should do her part and intercede and repent of the godless worldview of feminism.
How might history be different had dissatisfied and hurting women sought God’s will?
What if generations of women prayed something along the lines of Psalm 119?
Psalm 119:25-32- My soul cleaves to the dust; revive me according to Your word. I recounted my ways, and You answered me; teach me Your statutes. Make clear to me the way of Yourprecepts; then I will meditate on Your wonders. My soul melts with sorrow; strengthen me according to Your word. Remove me from the path of deceit and graciously grant me Your law. I have chosen the way of truth; I have set Your ordinances before me. I cling to Your testimonies, O LORD; let me not be put to shame. I run in the path of Your commandments, for You will enlarge my heart.
I’m sure there were godly women that prayed powerful righteous prayers for their generation, but those did not get the media attention that feminism did. Think critically about the messages and worldviews you subscribe to. Feminism floods our culture with ungodliness and we must remain set apart.
What if the women before us actually pressed in to God and cried out,
“God what would you have me do? God, men have abused their position to be a slave to their own desires and the order and role of the family are a stake! You are the God of justice, how can I help? I desire your original design for the man and woman, I do not covet the man nor desire toreplace him. Above all things, I desire to respect him and his assignment from you. I desire the pure love of his heart as Jesus loves us all. May I be like Esther- for such a time as this! May I be just a humble servant of the Lord God!”
I implore you to pray this prayer in 2020! Repent of feminism today!
Recommended Video:
The Nazarite Vow- Lou Engle
Recommended Reading:
“Female Chauvinist Pigs” by Ariel Levy
“Subverted: How the Sexual Revolution Hijacked Feminism” by Sue Ellen Browder
Recently I was listening to “Betcha Gon’ Know” by Mariah Carey. It was the version that features R. Kelly. It made me think about how R. Kelly is now known for abusing women and how many were pushing for the mute R. Kelly movement, among other celebrities that are outed as abusers or pedophiles. I see why people want to shame these people and want to take away their star power. However, there are abusers all around us. There’s millions probably billions of people that abuse other people but we are only aware of the cases that make the headlines, nationally or locally. If we knew what literally everyone was up to in their spare time no one would be allowed to do anything in the court of public opinion. It seems that we have entered a new era in history. Pedophilia and abuse against women in general is taken more seriously in some ways. Despite the “anything goes” culture, the “consent” culture, there seems to be thirst to know the truth even about our supposed heroes or favorite celebrities. I cannot emphasize enough though that it shouldn’t surprise you that the World is busy being the World. That is, if you’re a Christ follower.
In Genesis 6:9, the Bible tells us that “Noah was a righteous man, blameless in his generation. Noah walked with God.” He [and his immediate family] was the only one selected to survive the Great Flood. Literally, no one else.
As far as God was concerned, the Earth had become a sewer; there was violence everywhere. God took one look and saw how bad it was, everyone corrupt and corrupting—life itself corrupt to the core. Genesis 6:11-12 MSG
Further in Genesis 18, the Bible tells us that Abraham interceded for the town of Sodom. He asked if God would spare the city if fifty righteous people are found and God said he would. However, I think Abraham knew there wasn’t fifty righteous people so he kept bargaining for less. He stops at ten. He asks God if he would spare the city if there are ten righteous people found and God gives His word, “for the sake of ten I will not destroy it.” We read just one chapter later that God did not find ten righteous and only allowed Lot, his wife and two daughters to flee as God rained on Sodom and Gomorrah sulfur and fire from Heaven. Out of the four fleeing, three made it to the next town.
Skipping ahead to the book of Daniel, we learn about a young man named Daniel that was trafficked to Babylon after Nebuchadnezzar took over Jerusalem. Daniel became known for maintaining his purity in the midst of the Babylonian culture. Daniel refrained from the foods and drinks they served as to not defile himself. God gave him favor and Daniel was allowed to not partake in the lifestyle. Daniel continued to see favor throughout his life while living in a different kingdom.
Just as in the times of Noah, Lot and Daniel- these men were counter-cultural. Within their generations and throughout history, their names and stories were written down to be known forever for their righteousness. These are just three examples, but three out of the billions of people that have gone to the grave before us and will go after us… THREE stands out to me.
We are living in modern day Babylon or Sodom or Gomorrah. These cities are basically cliché in 2019. But if you are a Bible reader, you need to acknowledge the time in which we live. Our culture is a secular one. Our country didn’t begin that way but as history repeats itself, Secular is what we have turned into. That is why there is so much hostility towards the Christian life. Real Christians standing for Biblical Truth in the Post Modern Culture.
You’re probably wondering when I’m going to explain how I’m so pretty and what that has to do with R. Kelly, historical and biblical references.
[I apologize if you’ve lost interest already. Context is one of my top strengths and I feel compelled to give the context to help lead you from one idea to the next. It’s just how my mind works! ]
While we live in Babylon just as Daniel did, we are called to stand out. We are not to participate in everything that the opposing culture offers. Daniel could have forgot his identity and dismissed his God but he did not. He could have sold out to the dominate culture, a foreign culture. Time and time again God warned his people to not worship other gods or idols. To not become like those around them. In the Old Testament, God very clearly gave those instructions repeatedly. In the New Testament, God gave us his only son to give us the grace that we might finally obey his commands. He allowed Jesus to come to love us by allowing us to see our hearts are knitted together with His. That we see ourselves and others with His gracious loving eyes. We have to distinguish what is the culture permit and what does God command? They should not be the same. We are to pursue Christ and aim to be Holy not assimilate to a culture that rebels and rallies against our God. It can feel uncomfortable but if our eyes are on eternity with Christ, saying no to permissive cultural practices should become easier over time.
Earlier that day I was running errands. I went to a Target for one thing. That one thing was not in the store so I decided to walk around a bit. Dangerous, I know! I walked through the women’s clothing, accessories, bedding, back through the accessories and women’s clothing. I tried on a lot of sunglasses and touched many handbags. I left the store only buying one t-shirt!
As I was driving away, I began to think about how much I desire to buy new clothing and accessories. How much I desire to join in the beauty and fashion trends taking place. How the pull of obtaining more clothes, more accessories, longer lashes, specific nude colored lipstick permeate my mind. I follow a lot of online boutiques on social media so I constantly see the clothes I don’t have and decide very often that I need thirty new tops every month. Social media is now interwoven with ads of all types. These ads are catered specifically for you through algorithms. Its easy to get caught up in striving to look a certain way or follow current trends.
I often feel I need to be prettier. Prettier and prettier. I have to achieve more as far as appearance. I have to improve my appearance. I have to aim to look better than I do today. Its feels like a beating drum…. Prettier….prettier….prettier. A pounding drum.
For men, it could be you feel you need to make more money, improve your wages, get a bigger paycheck. More money…money….money. A pounding drum.
I then wondered what if I replaced that beating drum with the beating drum of God’s love? What if I put that appearance drum on mute. I believe I would hear the pounding drum of God’s fierce love. I Love You. I Love You. I Love You. DEEPER. FIERCER. That sound would be overwhelming and no other sound could replace it once I heard it truly.
It made me think of how I long for a husband. A husband that would take delight in me. That would be excited when I walked into a room. Or if I were doing something like the washing dishes a very mundane activity. My back is towards him as I zone out in the task before me. He, on the other hand, very much intently watching me. Radiating beautiful thoughts towards me.
So, if I take this vision and transplant it on the Lord…
Can I fully grasp how much he loves me already? How much it isn’t about my appearance? The clothes I wear, the makeup trends I choose to follow or reject, my hair style, my weight. When I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface and instantaneously think “ugh,” when I don’t measure up to the standards I decided were important… NONE of these influence God’s love. God has been radiating beautiful thoughts on to me since before he knit me together in my mother’s womb. For every beat of “be prettier,” God beats “I LOVE YOU” louder, “I LOVE YOU DEEPER,” “I LOVE YOU FIERCER”….its a beat more steady and full than our own heartbeat. Its a rhythm with origins in Heaven that God gave us the grace to tune in to.
Havilah Cunnington posted this the other day on her Instagram. I thought it fit perfectly into the revelation I had.
I’ve been reading 100 Days to Brave: Unlocking Your Most Courageous Self by Annie F. Downs. Little did I know that this was the devotional I needed to be reading. I had searched through many devotionals on a website looking for the one with the “x” factor. Maybe it was the word Brave that stood out to me or the gold accent on the cover? Either way I instinctively knew courage was what I was after. Not that I’m a scaredy cat or live in fear of everything – because I don’t. My whole life is out of my comfort zone and I can look back on my life and see many times I have been brave. I can also look back on my life and see the many times I was not brave. I let insecurity and doubt shut me down. I can also look at my day to day, week to week life and see where I am not stepping up and out. I know God has many things planned for me on the other side of insecurity and doubt.
In the 100 Days to Brave, Annie challenges us to discover what our calling is and narrow it down into one sentence. I had been entertaining an idea like this but it’s been called a personal mission statement. It’s a statement that will give you purpose and direction for your life. Of course, I have over analyzed any idea I’ve had of what the statement would be. So when I read this challenge my brain went to work. For days it was in my peripheral but nothing came to the fore front. I’m called to… I’m called to….? On that Sunday right after worship at church, it came to me.
I’m called to… fortify the weak.
Fortify means to strengthen a place with defensive works so as to protect it against attack, strengthen or invigorate someone mentally or physically.
I reflected on this and could see how over the course of life (so far) I’ve done this in the positions I’ve held in and out of the workplace and within friendships. With a recipe of truth, compassion, and sass I’ve validated and challenged others in the most sensitive times in their life. Whether advocating for others in a court room or meeting, certifying that someone is not crazy for the how they’ve mismanaged their childhood trauma, offering effective solutions for other’s dilemmas, helping someone discern between the truth and a lie, not welcoming the status quo. I’ve heard many times from friends “you make me feel like I’m not crazy.” I used to think – people frequently feel crazy?
This doesn’t mean that I am perfect. I’m far from it. Hearing from the Holy Spirit what my calling is opens up my mind.
The other day I was also thinking of my assignment. I’ve decided there is a difference between your calling and your assignment. Your calling is your purpose. Your assignment is how you are to carry it out.
About a year or more ago, I felt this impression on me that I’m not assigned to minister to those in the church building. I’m not saying this absolves me from any serving that I am to do in my home church. I do serve in a couple of ways. However, there was a distinction I made regarding those already attending church and those lost in the world that don’t even believe they are worthy of salvation, even entering a church building any day of the week. Those so far gone they won’t attend a service or even dare ask God for anything. Those are the people I am assigned to.
I am to be the one that goes into the cave with a flashlight of the Gospel to meet people where they are in their deepest pit. I am to be a light that shines on them while we speak. A light that intrigues them. And when I walk freely out of the cave they’ll want to follow.
I’m drawn to the darkness, not to live but to rescue.
For the past 10 years, my resume is filled with a variety of jobs. Topics of trauma, philosophies of care, emotional intelligence, trafficking, disorders & diagnoses, physical restraints, juvenile justice, criminology, addiction, self-harm, stages of change, abuse & neglect, sexual assault, domestic violence, CPS, probation, homelessness, and more – all saturate my mind every day. I see the world through these lenses.
I didn’t actually ask for this.
I’ve always been obsessed with the WHY.
Why do people do what they do?
What makes a criminal a criminal?
Why do people choose to do wrong?
How are they different from anyone else?
The Why is often a hard red pill to swallow. We are broken. We are fumbling in the dark with a blindfold on and ear plugs in. As Christians we are to introduce people to the spiritual realm. Ephesians 6:12 tells us there are two frequencies – flesh and blood, dark world –AND- rulers, authorities, spiritual forces in the heavenly realms.
Most people function in the flesh and blood. Everything changes when you tune into Heaven. You become acutely aware of the over developed disease of evil. You should be able to see and hear the enemy roaring, strangling and killing souls.
There are many theories out there, you can spend a lot of money hearing about them, taking exams and writing dissertations on them.
The ills of society, the brokenness of people won’t be answered by theories or a national organization or by a federal program. Those systems can bring awareness to the symptoms but they have no concrete solution.
The solution is Jesus Christ. When Jesus became my Lord, His ministry was put before me.
Love them and lead them back to me.
Loving like Jesus isn’t hard, loving like a human is hard because no one will meet our conditions 100/100.
God has given us special people to love.
-the homeless
-the unborn
-the military
-the developmentally disabled
-the sick
-those trapped in modern day slavery
-pedophiles, rapists
-pimps and johns
-children
-addicts, dealers
-parolees, probationers, felons, death rowers
-those in hospice
-post-abortive mothers and fathers
-the suicidal, the homicidal
-the abused, the raped
-the unseen and unheard
-the invisible
They are everywhere at all times. Your assignment is who God told you to love intimately and fiercely.
Ask Him right now. Who do you want me to love? Show me how to love them well. If you have yet to identify who God wants you to love, you are living in rebellion.
“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” -Matthew 22:36-40
You don’t want to face God and tell him that you spent your lifetime unburdened for the souls of others. You had an extra ticket to Heaven but you threw it in the trash. Be brave and send out invites on behalf of the Bridegroom.
This week I finished reading Captivating by John&Stasi Eldredge. They emphasize that this world needs my feminine heart. The people in my life need me to be who only I can be. “No one can be to the people in your life who you can be to them. No one can offer what you can offer.”
I can risk being vulnerable because I am secure in God’s embrace. Through these last, uh….10ish+ years I have struggled with vulnerability. Holding back tears and swallowing that lump in your throat. Waiting until you get home to cry about a conversation that took place hours prior. Standing there with the opportunity to honor your soul by speaking words but instead you bare the tension and fix your eyes on an invisible dot on the wall. Typing out a text message either lengthy or just “hey” then deleting it, because you can’t just keep putting your heart out there. Having all the right words while alone but feeling your strength fleeting in the presence of others. Deciding a pokerface is much better than mascara-tear face. Hot tears on my pillow are safer than tears stared at from across the room. Fearing that you’re feelings will repel others. This has been me time and time again. But as I grow in my Protector, I have felt more confident to be my uniquely feminine self. It’s not easy to open up and talk about the things that make my voice shake. I prefer to be well versed, eloquent, composed, unjarred. Life is messy, but there’s beauty in the struggle.
This is me sharing my feminine heart with you all today. Almost a year ago I started a list for my future husband. I reflected on past failed relationships and asked myself What Should the Next Guy Know? I thought at some point in my next (and final ) relationship I’d share this list with my fiance/husband. Maybe a surprise on our wedding day?
12/16/13 1:23am
for my husband…
somethings you should know about me…
I love pasta, spaghetti, alfredo, lasagna, garlic bread, I love it all!
I’m quiet, a lot. you’ll have to be okay with that. just sitting next to me in silence and know that I’m perfectly content.
but…the once in a blue moon that I’m stressed, worried, scared, nervous, hurt – I hope God gives you the ability to know the difference because…
so many times i just can’t say what i want. fear holds me back from saying certain things. please be patient.
I will almost always forget to wash dirty pots and pans.
I’m far more sensitive and emotional than i let on. i may just cry in secret places at secret times. please be patient and kind.
I dont like many sports but would gladly go to any sporting events with you, just because it’s you.
i may stare at you often. its because I’m in awe of you and your male-ness.
i love hot tea. hot coffee with flavored creamer.
I eat cereal all times of the day.
i love rainbows, glitter, sparkles.
I love to laugh, so i hope you’re funny.
hug me everyday please.
there is never enough “i love you”s
I’m writing this on a day that all i can do is trust God that He is bringing us together, because know. ..
I’ve had boyfriends, crushes, flings, and unrequited love
and I’m putting in my faith that you’re mine to keep.
I like to sleep in.
unless we have plans, I probably won’t get dressed and put makeup on.
I’m not always on time.
I can’t wait to make a house into a home for US.
12/18/183. 2:35am
I don’t like to be rushed.
I can definitely be indecisive.
I don’t like yelling, slamming doors, cussing, acting out in anger towards me makes me not feel safe.
I dont like being called boring.
I’m shy. I don’t like meeting new people. I don’t like small talk. I don’t like superficial conversations.
so it may seem like I’m not trying to be social but I really am trying.
my perfect day with you would involve us laying in bed all day (even calling in to work) and just talk,laugh,and just be together.
I hope we have a million inside jokes.
6/11/14. 2am
I always have a pile of clothes on the bedroom floor.
I have to fall asleep with the fan on.
I eat strawberries in the middle of the night.
I hate car problems. I pray to God that you’re a car enthusiast…
and I drive on empty for days.
my mascara routine is entirely too long, be patient.
I don’t like crying in front of people, even myself.
if I’m in a sad mood and I choose to listen to music,it’ll be sad music. if I choose a movie, it’ll be a funny movie.
I procrastinate haircuts.
I’m perfectly happy sitting outside on a porch reading a book.
cloudy days make me feel like doing nothing.
I prefer any chore except laundry.
I love macaroni and cheese.
8/6/14 1:50am
I don’t like being rushed to make a decision.
I prefer to have a partner when doing small things like running errands.
“I want the parts that you’ve tried to throw away -the parts that you were convinced no one could ever love”
every so often I fall in love with a song or movie and play it in repeat for days or even weeks a time.
everyday is an occasion for froyo
also donuts.
oneday I want to get in my car and drive to anywhere for the weekend.
8/26/14 2:05am
sometimes fear immobilizes me.
I love summer
but I like fall much better.
I love X-Files and hope one day you will too.
“if you’re a bird, I’m a bird” learn it. love it.
every once in awhile help me experience something new, at my own pace.
I like making lists 🙂
I go to bed really late.
I keep quiet about important decisions until I’m sure of my choice.
Confessions of a Recovering Feminist 